OPTIMIST: A person Who while falling From EIFFEL TOWER Says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"
MISER: A person Who lives poor So that He can die RICH!
FATHER: A banker Provided by Nature
BOSS: Someone Who is early When you are late And late When you are early
POLITICIAN: One who Shakes your hand Before elections And your Confidence Later
DOCTOR: A person Who kills Your ills By pills, And kills you By his bills!
305] How to make babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
306] Children's Logic
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
307] URGENTLY NEEDED. . .
Not Blood, but
An ELECTRICIAN, to 'restore the current' between people, who do not speak to each other anymore. . .
An OPTICIAN, to 'change the outlook' of people. . .
An ARTIST, to 'draw a smile' on everyone's face. . .
A CONSTRUCTION WORKER, to 'build a bridge' between angry neighbours & relatives. . .
A GARDENER, to 'cultivate good thoughts' . . .
Last but not the least
A MATHS TEACHER, for all of us to relearn how to 'count' our blessings everyday . .
308] EASY BUT DIFFICULT
Easy to occupy a place in the telephone directory. Difficult to occupy the heart of somebody. Easy to judge the errors of others. Difficult to recognize our own errors.
Easy to hurt those whom we love.Difficult to heal those wounds. Easy to forgive others. Difficult to ask for forgiveness. Easy to exhibit victory. Difficult to assume defeat with dignity. Easy to dream every night. Difficult to fight for a dream. Easy to pray every night. Difficult to find God in the smallest of things. Easy to say we love. Difficult to demonstrate it every day. Easy to criticize everybody. Difficult to better/perfect ourselves. Easy to think of improving. Difficult to stop thinking & really do it. Easy to receive. Difficult to give. 309] I HAVE FOUND HAPPINESS
This story is about a beautiful, expensively dressed lady who complained to her psychiatrist that she felt that her whole life was empty, it had no meaning. So, the lady went to visit a counselor to seek out happiness. The counselor called over the old lady who cleaned the office floors.The counselor then said to the rich lady "I'm going to ask Mary here to tell u how she found happiness. All I want u to do is listen to her." So the old lady put down her broom and sat on a chair and told her story:
"Well, my husband died of malaria and three months later my only son was killed by a car. I had nobody. I had nothing left. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I never smiled at anyone, I even thought of taking my own life. Then one evening a little kitten followed me home from work. Somehow I felt sorry for that kitten. It was cold outside, so I decided to let the kitten in. I got some milk, and the kitten licked the plate clean. Then it purred and rubbed against my leg and, for the first time in months, I smiled.
Then I stopped to think, if helping a little kitten could make me smile, may be doing something for people could make me happy. So, the next day I baked some biscuits and took them to a neighbor who was sick in bed. Every day I tried to do something nice for someone. It made me so happy to see them happy. Today, I don't know of anybody who sleeps and eats better than I do. I've found happiness, by giving it to others."
When she heard this, the rich lady cried. She had everything that money could buy, but she had lost the things which money cannot buy. "The beauty of life does not depend on how happy you are; but on how happy others can be because of you..."
Happiness is not a destination, it's a journey. Happiness is not tomorrow, it is now.
Happiness is not dependency, it is a decision. Happiness is what you are, not what you have.
310] ARE YOU REALLY QUALIFIED?
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer drops little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
311] THE CRIME IS THE SAME
A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said:
'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 year old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.' So the doctor said: 'Ok and what do you want me to do?' She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.'
The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.' She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.
Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care of 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.'
The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child!'. 'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be OK with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution.' The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point.
He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb. The crime is the same!
312] POSSITVE ATTIUTDE
A 92-year-old delicate but well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and his face shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. “I love it,” he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.“Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.”
“That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” he replied. Then he continued, “Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged… it’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.”
— Author Unknown
313] A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
314] The new minister stood at the church door greeting the membersas they left the Sunday moring service. Most of the people were very generous telling the new minister how much they liked his message, except for one man who said, "That was a very dull and boring sermon, pastor." A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, "I don't think you did much preparation for your message." Once again, the man appeared, this time muttering, "You really blew it. You didn't have a thing to say, pastor." Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man. "Oh, don't let that guy bother you," said the deacon. "He's a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying."
315] At the pearly gates, St. Peter greeted a minister and congressmanand gave them their room assignments. "Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, Mr. Congressman, the keys to our finest penthouse suite." "This is unfair!" cried the minister. "Listen," St. Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first congressman we've ever seen."
316] Big Ed seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation. The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Limburger cheese from a ziplock bag in her purse and passed it under his nose. Groggily startled, Big Ed blurted out, "No, Helen, no—don't kiss me now."
317] Worth a read ! I bet u will give the best possible smile in the end.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" God agreed....
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed....
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said,
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again..... On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
318] NEVER BE LATE!
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: He commenced with: “Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!” “I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.” Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
A crow lived in the forest and was absolutely satisfied in life. But one day he saw a swan. "This swan is so white," he thought, "and I am so black. This swan must be the happiest bird in the world." He expressed his thoughts to the swan. "Actually, " the swan replied, "I was feeling that I was the happiest bird around until I saw a parrot, which has two colors. I now think the parrot is the happiest bird in creation." The crow then approached the parrot. The parrot explained, "I lived a very happy life—until I saw a peacock. I have only two colors, but the peacock has multiple colors."
The crow then visited a peacock in the zoo and saw that hundreds of people had gathered to see him. After the people had left, the crow approached the peacock. "Dear peacock," the crow said, "you are so beautiful. Every day thousands of people come to see you. When people see me, they immediately shoo me away. I think you are the happiest bird on the planet." The peacock replied, "I always thought that I was the most beautiful and happy bird on the planet. But because of my beauty, I am entrapped in this zoo. I have examined the zoo very carefully, and I have realized that the crow is the only bird not kept in a cage. So for past few days I have been thinking that if I were a crow, I could happily roam everywhere."
This story summarizes our problem in this world : The crow thinks the swan is happy, the swan thinks the parrot is happy, the parrot thinks the peacock is happy, and the peacock thinks crow is happy. So just be happy where ever you are in life and enjoy it.
320] DAD’S REPLY
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you
haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking
about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence
that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!) "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
321] LEAVE BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES
Life is like a journey on a train… with its stations… with changes of routes… and with accidents! At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side. However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone. As time goes by, other people will board the train. These people are our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of our life. Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum. Others will go so unnoticed that we don’t realize that they vacated their seats! This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes and farewells. Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers… requiring that we give the best of ourselves. The bigger mystery of our journey is we do not know when our last stop will come. Neither do we know when our travel companions will make their last stop. Not even those sitting on the seat next to us. Therefore, we must live in the best way — love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty — we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.
— Author Unknown 322] ONLY FEW REMEMBER
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend. One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, “now that you can see the world, will you marry me?” The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him. Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying: “Just take care of my eyes dear.”
This is how human brain changes when the status changed. Only few remember what life was before, and who’s always been there even in the most painful situations.
323] THAT’S TERRIBLE
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
324] BELIEVE THERE IS A SOLUTION
A father left 17 Camels as an Asset for his Three Sons. When the Father passed away, his sons opened up the will. The Will of the Father stated that the Eldest son should get Half of 17 Camels, The Middle Son should be given 1/3rd of 17 Camels,
Youngest Son should be given 1/9th of the 17 Camels, As it is not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the sons started to fight with each other. So, they decided to go to a wise man. The wise man listened patiently about the Will. The wise man, after giving this thought, brought one camel of his own & added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels.
Now, he started reading the deceased father’s will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave 9 camels to the eldest son.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave 6 camels to the middle son.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave 2 camels to the youngest son.
Now add this up: 9 + 6 + 2 = 17 & This leaves 1 camel, which the wise man took back.
MORAL: The attitude of negotiation & problem solving is to find the 18th camel i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the common ground, the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times. However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution, we won’t be able to reach any!