DIV. OF AXTELL EXPRESSIONS! (805) 642-7282 www.axtell.com
WRITTEN BY STEVE AXTELL AND GREG JACKSON
PERFORMED BY: STEVE AXTELL
MUSIC, SOUND EFFECTS AND ENGINEERING BY: GREG JACKSON
RECORDED AT TREEHOUSE PRODUCTIONS
AND AXTELL ENTERTAINMENT LEGAL NOTICE: By purchasing this routine you have the right to perform this routine and its musical components in live performances only. Not for use on television or on video productions without written permission. Limited Warranty of 3 weeks to replace damaged media. No refunds on
CD TRACK #2: REHEARSAL - Includes your practice lines (YOU) that you will perform live. CD TRACKS #3-13: MUSIC ONLY- For vents who want to do both parts and cue the music. Cues are numbered in the script.
PAUSES HAVE BEEN LEFT IN THE RECORDING TO ANTICIPATE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
YOU CAN MODIFY THE (YOU) LINES TO FIT YOUR PERSONALITY. REWRITE AND BE CREATIVE!
SOUND ADVICE: You can perform this routine by playing the mp3 on a quality "boom box" portable stereo mp3 player in small areas, or over a professional sound system in large areas such as an auditorium or outside. Do not play on a small inexpensive player because the sound will distort when you try to play it loudly.
You may want to actively pause the mp3 during your performance in case you get a large audience laugh (we hope you do) after one of the jokes.
The CD should be played with plenty of volume. Kids will be laughing hard and will miss the routine if it Is too quiet
and adults may keep laughter to a minimum for fear of missing parts of the program. The volume of the mp3 should be set about the same as if you were speaking over a microphone to be heard by the group, or louder.
NOTE: Bring out the puppet with the music and begin the dialog.
Opening music MAN: (Bring him out over the music) Where are we? What’s this all about?…huh? Where are we?
YOU: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is my good friend, (name of puppet).
MAN: Who are you?
YOU: You know me…I’m (your name), and we’re here today to…
MAN: (Ignoring you – looks at audience) Who are they?…
YOU: Well, this is an audience.
MAN: An audience? (To you) I’d smile at ’em but I forgot my teeth….
YOU: Oh, that’s too bad.
MAN: (Back at audience) My own audience….hee,hee,hee… Hollywood…da, da, da, da…ha, ha…I’ve been waiting years for this…ha, ha…Watch what I can do.
Nose fx .(Puts nose in mouth) (LAUGHTER)
YOU: What’s wrong?
MAN: I’m stuck!
YOU: You’re stuck? Here, let me help.
Backslap fx (Pat him hard on the back)
MAN: (His nose pops out with the pop fx)
(LAUGHTER) Oh…oh, oh, oh.
YOU: What’s the matter?
MAN: Nah…I don’t want to talk about it.
YOU: Oh, come on.
MAN: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! It really bothers me when old people go on and on about their aches and pains.
YOU: Okay, okay…
MAN: It’s too much of a bother…
YOU: Okay, I understand, so why don’t we…
MAN: (Interrupts you)…it’s much too painful to discuss.
YOU: What is?
MAN: All my aches and pains!
YOU: Oh, you hurt somewhere?
MAN: I hurt everywhere!!
YOU: You should go see your Doctor about this, he might be able to help you.
MAN: I just got back from seeing my Doctor.
YOU: Oh good. What did he say?
MAN: He said, “That will be twenty dollars.”
YOU: No, I mean, what did you have?
MAN: I only had ten dollars.
YOU: No, I mean, what was the problem?
MAN: I needed ten more dollars! Ha!
YOU: I can help you out, when is your next visit?
MAN: I can’t remember….that’s another problem.
YOU: Do you have other problems? (Man nods “yes”) Okay…
How’s your head? MAN: Oh, it’s dead. YOU: How’s your neck?
MAN: It’s a wreck!
YOU: How’s your shoulder? MAN: Getting’ older! YOU: How’s your chest? MAN: Needs a rest! YOU: How’s your heart? MAN: Needs a start! YOU: How’s your leg? MAN: (Music stops abruptly as he turns to you ) Funny you should ask…it’s numb, can’t feel a thing.
MAN Deader than a door nail…pinch it.
YOU I don’ t want to hurt your leg!
MAN You can’t hurt it, go ahead…pinch it.
MAN Ouch, not that one!
Aches and Pains,
Aches and Pains,
There isn’t any doubt about ‘em,
Got so many I can’t count ‘em,
Don’t like to talk about ‘em,
All my Aches and Pains! YOU (Alarm clock fx. You look around, confused) What was that?
MAN My Personal Pill Prompter
YOU Your Personal Pill Prompter?
MAN Time to take a pill. Could I persuade you to pull a pink pill from the place I put it?
YOU You want me to pull a pink pill from the place you put it?
YOU Possibly. Where is the place that you put your pink pill?
MAN I put the pink pill next to a purple pill in my...pocket!
YOU You have a pair of pills in your pocket?
YOU You’re going to pop a pill in public?
MAN (Looks at you) You’re pushin’ it.
YOU: Okay, okay…I’ll get it for you. (Reach into his bib pocket on his chest and begin searching for a “pill”.) MAN: Thanks.
YOU: So, what kind of pill is it?
MAN: It’s a special pill the doctor said would take care of all my pains.
YOU: Here it is…(Remove the “pill” pretending to hold it in your hand. You look at the pill and whisper to the audience, shielding your mouth from the puppet’s view with your hand) This is just CANDY!
(On the deflating sound, pull him down to his hips – very low)
(Have him jump up on the “boing” as he yells…)
YOU: Wow! Are you feeling better?
MAN: Oh yeah, now I can do my stretches.
YOU: Oh good, you exercise. Can you show us some of your stretches?
MAN: Sure, here’s an easy one.
(Groans as you bend him over to his feet and back up again.)
YOU: Good job!
MAN: Here’s another one, but I need a little help.
YOU: Oh sure, anything.
MAN: Okay…lift my arm.
YOU Like this? (Lift the arm closest to you, raising it in stages until it is straight up )
Arm 1 fx More….more!
YOU: Oh, that looks like it hurts!
MAN: Huh…that’s nothing! Get the other one.
YOU: Oh no!
MAN: Do it!!
YOU: O.K. (Take his other arm and raise it in stages until straight up)
Arm 2 fx MAN: (Groans)
YOU: No, I can’t!
MAN: Do it!!!
YOU: (Sigh) (continue pushing the arm over to the opposite side)
(Arm 2 fx cont’d) MAN: There ya’ go…now the legs.
YOU: Oh, come on!
MAN: LIFT MY LEG!!
YOU: This one?
MAN: Yeah, lift it!
(You lift outer leg away from his body)
Legs fx Not that way!!
YOU: Oh, sorry! (Bring the leg in toward his body, tucking his foot in between his body and yours.)
(Legs fx cont’d)
MAN: (Groans) Okay, now…take my other leg and…
YOU: Not again!
MAN: DO IT!!!
YOU: O.K. (take the other leg up toward his face)
(Legs fx cont’d) Now where do you want me to put it?
YOU: O.K. (You stuff foot into his mouth)
YOU: I know…you don’t want to talk about it.
YOU: What’s that?
\ Closing music(beginning under dialog) YOU: You’re not done?
MAN: Humm, humm.
YOU: There’s more?
(Upon hearing the “bouncing” cue, you bounce him up and down off your hand, keeping your bottom hand still).
YOU: Wow, you must be feeling better…give him a hand! (Continue bouncing him until off stage)