HORSE-COURSER. I beseech your worship, accept of these forty dollars.
Playing jokes on simple people
FAUSTUS. Friend, thou canst not buy so good a horse for so small
a price. I have no great need to sell him: but, if thou likest
him for ten dollars more, take him, because I see thou hast a
good mind to him.
HORSE-COURSER. I beseech you, sir, accept of this: I am a very
poor man, and have lost very much of late by horse-flesh, and
this bargain will set me up again.
FAUSTUS. Well, I will not stand with thee: give me the money
[HORSE-COURSER gives FAUSTUS the money]. Now, sirrah, I must
tell you that you may ride him o'er hedge and ditch, and spare
him not; but, do you hear? in any case, ride him not into the
HORSE-COURSER. How, sir! not into the water! why, will he not
drink of all waters?
FAUSTUS. Yes, he will drink of all waters; but ride him not into
the water: o'er hedge and ditch, or where thou wilt, but not into
the water. Go, bid the hostler deliver him unto you, and remember
what I say.
HORSE-COURSER. I warrant you, sir!--O, joyful day! now am I a
made man for ever.
FAUSTUS. What art thou, Faustus, but a man condemn'd to die?
Thy fatal time draws to a final end;
Despair doth drive distrust into my thoughts:
Confound these passions with a quiet sleep:
Tush, Christ did call the thief upon the Cross;
Then rest thee, Faustus, quiet in conceit.
[He sits to sleep.]
Re-enter the HORSE-COURSER, wet.
HORSE-COURSER. 0, what a cozening doctor was this! I, riding
my horse into the water, thinking some hidden mystery had been
in the horse, I had nothing under me but a little straw, and had
much ado to escape<198> drowning. Well, I'll go rouse him, and
make him give me my forty dollars again.--Ho, sirrah Doctor, you
cozening scab! Master Doctor, awake, and rise, and give me my
money again, for your horse is turned to a bottle of hay, Master
Doctor! [He pulls off FAUSTUS' leg]. Alas, I am undone! what
shall I do? I have pulled off his leg.
FAUSTUS. O, help, help! the villain hath murdered me.
HORSE-COURSER. Murder or not murder, now he has<199> but one leg,
I'll outrun him, and cast this leg into some ditch or other.
[Aside, and then runs out.]
FAUSTUS. Stop him, stop him, stop him!--Ha, ha, ha! Faustus hath
his leg again, and the Horse-courser a bundle of hay for his
How now, Wagner! what news with thee?
WAGNER. If it please you, the Duke of Vanholt doth earnestly
entreat your company, and hath sent some of his men to attend
you,<200> with provision fit for your journey.
FAUSTUS. The Duke of Vanholt's an honourable gentleman, and one
to whom I must be no niggard of my cunning. Come, away!
Enter ROBIN, DICK, the HORSE-COURSER, and a CARTER.
CARTER. Come, my masters, I'll bring you to the best beer in
Europe.--What, ho, hostess! where be these whores?
HOSTESS. How now! what lack you? What, my old guess!<201> welcome.
ROBIN. Sirrah Dick, dost thou<202> know why I stand so mute?
DICK. No, Robin: why is't?
ROBIN. I am eighteen-pence on the score. but say nothing; see
if she have forgotten me.
HOSTESS. Who's this that stands so solemnly by himself? What,
my old guest!
ROBIN. O, hostess, how do you? I hope my score stands still.
HOSTESS. Ay, there's no doubt of that; for methinks you make no
haste to wipe it out.
DICK. Why, hostess, I say, fetch us some beer.
HOSTESS. You shall presently.--Look up into the hall there, ho!
[Exit.--Drink is presently brought in.]
DICK. Come, sirs, what shall we do now<203> till mine hostess comes?
CARTER. Marry, sir,<204> I'll tell you the bravest tale how a
conjurer served me. You know Doctor Faustus?
HORSE-COURSER. Ay, a plague take him! here's some on's have cause
to know him. Did he conjure thee too?
CARTER. I'll tell you how he served me. As I was going to
Wittenberg, t'other day,<205> with a load of hay, he met me, and
asked me what he should give me for as much hay as he could eat.
Now, sir, I thinking that a little would serve his turn, bad him
take as much as he would for three farthings: so he presently
gave me my<206> money and fell to eating; and, as I am a cursen<207>
man, he never left eating till he had eat up all my load of hay.
ALL. O, monstrous! eat a whole load of hay!
ROBIN. Yes, yes, that may be; for I have heard of one that has eat
a load of logs.
HORSE-COURSER. Now, sirs, you shall hear how villanously he
served me. I went to him yesterday to buy a horse of him, and
he would by no means sell him under forty dollars. So, sir,
because I knew him to be such a horse as would run over hedge
and ditch and never tire, I gave him his money. So, when I had
my horse, Doctor Faustus bad me ride him night and day, and spare
him no time; but, quoth he, in any case, ride him not into the
water. Now, sir, I thinking the horse had had some quality<208>
that he would not have me know of, what did I but rid<209> him
into a great river? and when I came just in the midst, my horse
vanished away, and I sate straddling upon a bottle of hay.
ALL. O, brave doctor!
HORSE-COURSER. But you shall hear how bravely I served him for
it. I went me home to his house, and there I found him asleep.
I kept a hallooing and whooping in his ears; but all could not
wake him. I, seeing that, took him by the leg, and never rested
pulling till I had pulled me his leg quite off; and now 'tis at
home in mine hostry.
ROBIN. And has the doctor but one leg, then? that's excellent;
for one of his devils turned me into the likeness of an ape's face.
CARTER. Some more drink, hostess!
ROBIN. Hark you, we'll into another room and drink a while, and
then we'll go seek out the doctor.
Enter the DUKE OF VANHOLT, his DUCHESS, FAUSTUS, MEPHISTOPHILIS,
DUKE. Thanks, Master Doctor, for these pleasant sights; nor know
I how sufficiently to recompense your great deserts in erecting
that enchanted castle in the air,<210> the sight whereof so
delighted<211> me as nothing in the world could please me more.
FAUSTUS. I do think myself, my good lord, highly recompensed in
that it pleaseth<212> your grace to think but well of that which
Faustus hath performed.--But, gracious lady, it may be that you
have taken no pleasure in those sights; therefore, I pray you
tell me, what is the thing you most desire to have; be it in the
world, it shall be yours: I have heard that great-bellied women
do long for things are rare and dainty.
DUCHESS. True, Master Doctor; and, since I find you so kind,
I will make known unto you what my heart desires to have; and,
were it now summer, as it is January, a dead time of the winter,
I would request no better meat than a dish of ripe grapes.
FAUSTUS. This is but a small matter.--Go, Mephistophilis; away!
Madam, I will do more than this for your content.
Re-Enter MEPHISTOPHILIS with grapes.
Here now, taste you these: they should be good, for they come<213>
from a far country, I can tell you.
DUKE. This makes me wonder more than all the rest, that at this
time of the year, when every tree is barren of his fruit, from
whence you had these ripe grapes.<214>
FAUSTUS. Please it your grace, the year is divided into two
circles over the whole world; so that, when it is winter with
us, in the contrary circle it is likewise summer with them, as
in India, Saba, and such countries that lie far east, where
they have fruit twice a-year; from whence, by means of a swift
spirit that I have, I had these grapes brought, as you see.
DUCHESS. And, trust me, they are the sweetest grapes that e'er
[The CLOWNS bounce<215> at the gate, within.]
DUKE. What rude disturbers have we at the gate?
Go, pacify their fury, set it ope,
And then demand of them what they would have.
[They knock again, and call out to talk with FAUSTUS.]
SERVANT. Why, how now, masters! what a coil is there!
What is the reason you disturb the Duke?
DICK [within]. We have no reason for it; therefore a fig for him!
SERVANT. Why, saucy varlets, dare you be so bold?
HORSE-COURSER [within]. I hope, sir, we have wit enough to be
more bold than welcome.
SERVANT. It appears so: pray, be bold elsewhere, and trouble
not the Duke.
DUKE. What would they have?
SERVANT. They all cry out to speak with Doctor Faustus.
CARTER [within]. Ay, and we will speak with him.
DUKE. Will you, sir?--Commit the rascals.
DICK [within]. Commit with us! he were as good commit with his
father as commit with us.
FAUSTUS. I do beseech your grace, let them come in;
They are good subject for<216> a merriment.
DUKE. Do as thou wilt, Faustus; I give thee leave.
FAUSTUS. I thank your grace.
Enter ROBIN, DICK, CARTER, and HORSE-COURSER.
Why, how now, my good friends!
pay for what we take.--What, ho! give's half a dozen of beer here,
and be hanged!
FAUSTUS. Nay, hark you; can you tell me<218> where you are?
CARTER. Ay, marry, can I; we are under heaven.
SERVANT. Ay; but, Sir Saucebox, know you in what place?
HORSE-COURSER. Ay, ay, the house is good enough to drink in.
--Zouns, fill us some beer, or we'll break all the barrels in
the house, and dash out all your brains with your bottles!
FAUSTUS. Be not so furious: come, you shall have beer.--
My lord, beseech you give me leave a while;
I'll gage my credit 'twill content your grace.
DUKE. With all my heart, kind doctor; please thyself;
Our servants and our court's at thy command.
FAUSTUS. I humbly thank your grace.--Then fetch some beer.
HORSE-COURSER. Ay, marry, there spake<219> a doctor, indeed!
and, faith, I'll drink a health to thy wooden leg for that word.
FAUSTUS. My wooden leg! what dost thou mean by that?
CARTER. Ha, ha, ha!--Dost hear him,<220> Dick? he has forgot his
HORSE-COURSER. Ay, ay, he does not stand much upon that.
FAUSTUS. No, faith; not much upon a wooden leg.
CARTER. Good Lord, that flesh and blood should be so frail with
your worship! Do not you remember a horse-courser you sold a
FAUSTUS. Yes, I remember I sold one a horse.
CARTER. And do you remember you bid he should not ride him<221>
into the water?
FAUSTUS. Yes, I do very well remember that.
CARTER. And do you remember nothing of your leg?
FAUSTUS. No, in good sooth.
CARTER. Then, I pray you,<222> remember your courtesy.
FAUSTUS. I<223> thank you, sir.
CARTER. 'Tis not so much worth. I pray you, tell me one thing.
FAUSTUS. What's that?
CARTER. Be both your legs bed-fellows every night together?
FAUSTUS. Wouldst thou make a Colossus of me, that thou askest me
CARTER. No, truly, sir; I would make nothing of you; but I would
fain know that.
Enter HOSTESS with drink.
FAUSTUS. Then, I assure thee certainly, they are.
CARTER. I thank you; I am fully satisfied.
FAUSTUS. But wherefore dost thou ask?
CARTER. For nothing, sir: but methinks you should have a wooden
bed-fellow of one of 'em.
HORSE-COURSER. Why, do you hear, sir? did not I<224> pull off
one of your legs when you were asleep?
FAUSTUS. But I have it again, now I am awake: look you here, sir.
ALL. O, horrible! had the doctor three legs?
CARTER. Do you remember, sir, how you cozened me, and eat up my
[FAUSTUS, in the middle of each speech, charms them dumb.]
DICK. Do you remember how you made me wear an ape's----
HORSE-COURSER. You whoreson conjuring scab, do you remember how
witness, yea, all the world; for which Faustus hath lost both
Germany and the world, yea, heaven itself, heaven, the seat of
God, the throne of the blessed, the kingdom of joy; and must
remain in hell for ever, hell. O, hell, for ever! Sweet friends,
what shall become of Faustus, being in hell for ever?
SECOND SCHOLAR. Yet, Faustus, call on God.
FAUSTUS. On God, whom Faustus hath abjured! on God, whom Faustus climax
hath blasphemed! O my God, I would weep! but the devil draws in
my tears. Gush forth blood, instead of tears! yea, life and soul!
O, he stays my tongue! I would lift up my hands; but see, they
hold 'em, they hold 'em? <'?' sic>
ALL. Who, Faustus?
FAUSTUS. Why, Lucifer and Mephistophilis. O gentlemen, I gave
them my soul for my cunning!
ALL. O, God forbid!
FAUSTUS. God forbade it, indeed; but Faustus hath done it: for
the vain pleasure of four-and-twenty years hath Faustus lost
eternal joy and felicity. I writ them a bill with mine own blood:
the date is expired; this is the time, and he will fetch me.
FIRST SCHOLAR. Why did not Faustus tell us of this before,
that divines might have prayed for thee?
FAUSTUS. Oft have I thought to have done so; but the devil
threatened to tear me in pieces, if I named God, to fetch me
body and soul, if I once gave ear to divinity: and now 'tis<250>
too late. Gentlemen, away, lest you perish with me.
SECOND SCHOLAR. O, what may we do to save Faustus?
FAUSTUS. Talk not of me, but save yourselves, and depart.
THIRD SCHOLAR. God will strengthen me; I will stay with Faustus.