Generation. It’s longer, wider, & ever-so-slightly lower than before. The headlights no longer extend into the grille, which is also larger

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BMW TV Guide

February 18-March 7, 2018


Section 1:

BMW-specific & General Automotive News,

Oddball Trivia, Jokes, Memes, & Cartoons:




BMW Reveals the New X4:BMW has sold more than 200,000 X4s worldwide since it was launched in 2014, & now it’s showing off the 2nd generation. It’s longer, wider, & ever-so-slightly lower than before. The headlights no longer extend into the grille, which is also larger; so, too, the lower air intakes & longer & narrower tail lights help make the rear end look slightly sleeker. A 10 ¼-inch display screen is now standard, the head-up display is 75% larger, & it now comes with a panoramic moonroof. In the U.S., you can choose from a 4-cylinder that generates nearly 250-horsepower, & there’s a 355-horsepower inline 6 for the M Performance model. A 9-speed transmission & all-wheel drive are standard. The new X4 hits dealerships in July starting at $50,500.” (Sean McElroy, February 14) http://www.autoline.tv/journal/?p=53768

The all-new 2019 BMW X4 -- the eye-catching athlete. Today, the second generation BMW X4 is making its debut as the BMW X4 M40i & the BMW X4 xDrive30i. The 2019 BMW X4 displays sportier proportions, wider tracks, the latest generation suspension settings, a lower center of gravity, & improved aerodynamics. The 2nd generation Sports Activity Coupe offers a wide array of new standard safety features such as Active Protection which initiates protective measures when an accident situation is imminent such as belt tensioning & the closing of windows & moonroof to a small gap. Additionally, the standard Active Guard includes Frontal Collision Warning, City Collision Mitigation with Braking, Pedestrian Warning with City Braking, & Speed Limit Information. Standard Navigation comes with a large 10.25 inch display & offers drivers multiple ways to interact including touchscreen, iDrive Touch Controller, as well as a cloud-powered intelligent voice control, the optional 75% larger, color Head-Up Display provides drivers the option of viewing navigation directions just under the direct line of vision. Not only does the all-new BMW X4 appear sportier, provide new & improved driving dynamics, better aerodynamics & safety features, passengers can now enjoy a larger panoramic moonroof & a 3-Zone Climate Control system which allows for greater ride comfort. … The all-new 2019 BMW X4 will be available at certified BMW Centers in July 2018 with pricing starting at $50,450 for 30i, & $60,450 for M40i plus Destination and Handling. … The shoulder line – following the door handles to the rear lights – & the character line between the wheel arches break up the surfaces of the car’s flanks. This creates clearly defined lines which are additionally emphasized by the drawn-in glasshouse at the rear. The coupe style roofline slides into the rear window with an elegant flourish before dipping down more steeply to the rear. The window design also underline the dynamic proportions of the all-new BMW X4, thanks to a smoothly rising sill line & an elongated take on the Hofmeister kink ‘counter-swing’ at the base of the C-pillars. Clearly structured surfaces & horizontal lines shape the car’s tail. The LED rear lights, with their three-dimensional shaping, are slim in design & positioned at the extreme edges of the rear. Combined with the twin exhaust tailpipes (shared by all engine variants), they magnify the width of the rear end. … The interior cabin of the all-new BMW X4 is roomier with a premium feel. All controls are clearly arranged & set within trim finishers featuring a distinctly pared-down design. The low instrument panel and the slightly raised seating position typical of BMW X models afford drivers a superb view of the road ahead. The driver-focused layout of the cockpit helps to create a wonderfully sporty driving experience at all times. Redesigned sports seats with boldly contoured side bolsters provide outstanding lateral support even in extreme handling situations. Top-class materials, precise build quality & a host of meticulously crafted details set the tone for the modern & individual premium character of the all-new BMW X4. The surfaces of the instrument panel & door paneling merge smoothly into one another, while the X logos embossed into the electroplated surfaces of the front & rear doors are eye-catching details. The ambient lighting, adding extra light sources around the center console & instrument panel, in the door paneling & in the foot wells, enhances the sense of wellbeing in the interior of the all-new BMW X4. The lighting mood can be adjusted as the driver pleases thanks to a choice of six colors. Large storage trays, roomy door pockets, cup holders & various compartments are all testimony to the functional qualities of the all-new BMW X4. … A far wider array of options, offers greater scope for customers to increase both the comfort & functionality of the all-new BMW X4. The range includes electrically adjustable & heated seats, active seat ventilation & 3-zone automatic climate control with separately adjustable temperature control in the rear. A standard panoramic glass moon roof with much larger dimensions than the predecessor offers passengers additional comfort. The 2-section glass surface with an overall length of 36.4 inches & a width of 35 inches allows the amount of light in the interior & the supply of fresh air to be varied as required & creates space. The sun blind is electrically operated, as is the front section of the glass roof. 3 full-size seats are fitted in the rear compartment of the all-new BMW X4, providing the passengers there with an additional 1 inch of legroom over the predecessor model. The trunk features a capacity of 18.5 ft³, & the load space can be expanded to a maximum of 50.5 ft³ as required by folding down the sections of the rear backrest, with its standard 40:20:40 split. For added ease, the backrest sections can be released remotely from the trunk, while their angle to be individually adjusted, too. The standard storage package adds additional compartments, USB ports & 12V sockets, as well as multifunctional hooks & lashing rails in the trunk. … An intelligent material mix has made it possible to bring about a substantial weight saving, not just in the chassis design but also in the body’s construction. BMW EfficientLightweight measures led to the increase in the proportion of aluminum as well as high-strength and ultra-high-strength grades of steel. This has made the body structure more solid than ever, serving up benefits for both vehicle agility & occupant protection. Additionally, the car has a significantly lower center of gravity which enhances the Sports Activity Coupe’s cornering dynamics. Another factor in the dynamism and efficiency of the all-new BMW X4 is a reduction in aerodynamic drag of around 10%. This advance has been achieved by streamlining the body at the same time as incorporating a raft of additional measures, including active air flap control, the Air Curtains in the front apron & additional underbody cladding. The all-new BMW X4 sets a new benchmark in its segment with a drag coefficient (Cd) of 0.30. The latest version of the xDrive system is lighter & more efficient. Plus, the wonderfully precise electronic control of the intelligent all-wheel drive also splits drive power to the sporting effect for which the brand is renowned; the rear-biased set-up produces a highly rewarding driving experience, especially when powering through corners. Besides offering BMW handling stability, BMW xDrive also enhances traction over loose terrain, providing the all-new BMW X4 with tremendous off-road capabilities. With a ground clearance of 8 inches a fording depth of 19.6 inches, break over angle of 19.4° & angles of approach & departure of 25.7° & 22.6° respectively, the Sports Activity Coupe takes everything in its stride, from crests & bumps in the road to gravel tracks, icy roads, &steep slopes. … The car’s impressively sporty & well footed handling characteristics are enhanced by the powerful lightweight braking system & the Dynamic Stability Control (DSC) system, whose wealth of features includes the Antilock Braking System (ABS), Dynamic Traction Control (DTC), Automatic Differential Brake (ADB-X), Cornering Brake Control (CBC), Dynamic Brake Control (DBC), Start-Off Assistant, & Hill Descent Control (HDC). The Performance Control function also included as standard gives the all-new BMW X4 even sharper handling by varying the distribution of drive torque to the rear wheels according to the situation at hand. 19-inch light-alloy wheels also form part of standard specification, while wheel options offered include 19 inch, 20 inch & 21 inch wheel offerings. …” (February 14) https://www.press.bmwgroup.com/usa/article/detail/T0278479EN_US/the-all-new-2019-bmw-x4-the-eye-catching-athlete [Note: If you have trouble opening this web site, paste the URL into your browser & hit ENTER or RETURN.]

2019 BMW X4: Old vs new -- See the changes side-by-side from 8 angles @ https://www.motor1.com/news/233051/2019-bmw-x4-changes-comparison/
Download the 2019 i8 Roadster & Coupe Pricing Guide @ http://bmwi.bimmerpost.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1465857
Watch a BMW i8 Roadster outrun a Ferrari just for giggles @ https://www.facebook.com/crusoedachshund/videos/1757535431001611/
Explore the heart of the BMW M8 GTE: The most efficient BMW Motorsport racing engine ever (including 3-minute video) @ http://f30.bimmerpost.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1466726

New BMW & UTI Program Prepares Service Members for Civilian Careers as BMW Automotive Technicians: “A 1st-of-its-kind training program for veterans celebrates its opening on Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton. The BMW MSTEP (Military Service Technician Education Program) will provide new career opportunities for service members transitioning from military service to civilian life. Created by BMW of North America, LLC, in partnership with Universal Technical Institute, this is the 1st time a premium automotive brand has opened a workshop & training program for military service members directly on a U.S. military base. ‘BMW is honored to be working with the Marine Corps & helping provide service members with great professional opportunities to support their transition to civilian life,’ said Bernard Kuhnt, President and CEO of BMW of North America. ‘The skillset these men & women will bring to our dealerships is invaluable. Aside from their unwavering team spirit & discipline, many are already highly specialized in some of the most sophisticated technologies, giving them all the right foundations for a successful automotive career. It is now our turn to serve them with MSTEP.’ Classes for the 1st pilot group of 9 students will officially begin on Feb. 26, 2018. The 16-week, BMW-specific technical education program features a specialized on-base curriculum & hours of hands-on technical training in a workshop setting. Students receive training on diagnostic paths & service technologies unique to the BMW brand. ‘We’re extremely proud to continue our support of the brave men & women who serve this country. We’re also excited about this new chapter of our more than 20-year partnership with BMW,’ said Kim McWaters, president & CEO of Universal Technical Institute (UTI). ‘With the transportation industry’s strong demand for highly skilled & trained talent, there has never been a better time to be an automotive technician. BMW has always been an innovative leader & MSTEP is a powerful example of how UTI & our partners are working to bring quality hands-on education directly to students.’ The program opens the door for transitioning service members to a promising future with the brand. Upon graduation, BMW assists the new technicians with employment at authorized U.S. dealers. There are currently more than 14,000 BMW technicians across the network & more are needed every year, especially those trained by the company itself. " ‘We are proud to host this unique transition opportunity for our service members,’ stated Brig. Gen. Kevin J. Killea, the commanding general for Marine Corps Installations West - Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton. ‘Programs such as MSTEP help our transitioning service members prepare for a successful career outside of the military, & we are excited to see them progress through the program & find employment as BMW technicians.’ BMW MSTEP is an expansion of the company’s existing efforts to address the technician shortage. With nearly 5 million BMW Group vehicles on the road in the U.S. & access to skilled technicians still limited, BMW has invested in several initiatives designed to engage, attract, & find technicians for its network including the original technician education program known as BMW STEP. BMW STEP is the most comprehensive BMW technician development program in North America taught in 9 locations across the country, producing graduates that are preferred by dealers nationwide. The program chooses the finest talent from post-secondary automotive trainings & colleges. More than 3,500 STEP technicians have graduated from the program to date & represent part of the current BMW network technician total. Because of the growing demand for qualified candidates, the company plans to increase the number of STEP students it graduates every year from almost 450 in 2018 to about 800 graduates in 2020. BMW is furthering its efforts to sourcing the critical technician talent it needs while helping provide promising career opportunities for those who are looking.” (January 16) https://www.press.bmwgroup.com/usa/article/detail/T0278605EN_US/new-bmw-and-uti-program-prepares-service-members-for-civilian-careers-as-bmw-automotive-technicians [Note: If you have trouble opening this web site, paste the URL into your browser & hit ENTER or RETURN.]
Congrats to Elana Meyers Taylor & Lauren Gibbs for winning Olympic Silver in 2-man bobsled -- a sled custom built for the US team by BMW.

Red Sparrow: BMW 7 Series makes iconic appearance in gripping new movie. BMW is exclusive automotive partner of the spy thriller from 20th Century Fox Film: “The BMW 7 Series has landed a major Hollywood role alongside Oscar-winner Jennifer Lawrence in Red Sparrow, the new spy thriller from 20th Century Fox Film, which will open in cinemas on 2 March. Jennifer Lawrence plays Dominika Egorova, a prima ballerina with Russia’s world-renowned Bolshoi Ballet. When she suffers a career-ending injury, Dominika and her mother are facing a bleak & uncertain future. That is why she finds herself manipulated into becoming the newest recruit for Sparrow School, a secret intelligence service that trains exceptional young people like her to use their bodies & minds as weapons. After the training process, she emerges as the most dangerous Sparrow the program has ever produced. Dominika must now reconcile the person she was with the power she now commands, with her own life & everyone she cares about at risk, including an American CIA agent (Joel Edgerton) who tries to convince her he is the only person she can trust. The cast also includes British actor & Oscar-winner Jeremy Irons as a 2-faced Russian general; Oscar-nominated actress Charlotte Rampling as chief instructor of the Sparrow School; Matthias Schoenaert as head of the Russian Secret Service & Mary-Louise Parker as a U.S. informant. The BMW 7 Series accompanies Dominika on her journey from elegant & graceful prima ballerina to self-assured secret agent. The luxury sedan reappears at key moments in the plot, including the scene where Dominika is driven to the secret Sparrow School for the 1st time. The drive through the snow-covered Russian landscape, assisted by the BMW xDrive intelligent all-wheel-drive system, symbolises the transition from Dominikas’s past to her mysterious, but exciting future. ‘We were excited about this suspenseful adaptation of the bestselling novel Red Sparrow from the beginning. Jennifer Lawrence as Dominika embodies an elegant & strong agent. The BMW 7 Series & its positioning suit her character perfectly,’ said Uwe Dreher, head of Brand Communications BMW. “’We have been working with BMW to find the best project that could fit the BMW 7 Series,’ said Zachary Eller, Executive Vice President, Marketing Partnerships, 20th Century Fox Film. ‘When this opportunity came around, we were thrilled with the natural fit of story & car & the ability to complement our campaign with BMW’s marketing.’ The BMW 7 Series Sedan has made numerous appearances in the glamorous world of secret agents & spy thrillers. Who could forget the legendary performance of the BMW 750iL in the James Bond film Tomorrow Never Dies, which caused a sensation back in 1997, with a range of new technology like a remote control via touchpad phone. In general, BMW vehicles have a long been featured on the big screen, including in iconic films like Mission: Impossible & the James Bond franchises. BMW is also a long-standing partner of the Directors’ Guild of America, whose annual DGA awards are highly respected in Hollywood and across the film industry. As part of the cooperation with 20th Century Fox Film, BMW will be promoting Red Sparrow widely through its own digital channels & print campaign. The film was shot on location in London, Budapest, & Vienna between January & April 2017 & was directed by Francis Lawrence. Red Sparrow will debut in cinemas on 2 March.” (February 16) This film is not yet listed in IMCDb, but is listed in IMDb (with 73 photos) @ http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2873282/?ref_=nv_sr_1 . See 5 photos & 46-second video @ http://f30.bimmerpost.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1467106

See road rage against a BMW driver backfire on the rager @ https://jalopnik.com/this-is-the-most-disastrous-attempt-at-road-rage-ive-ev-1823081129
Carscoops reveals 37 spy photos of a Rolls=Royce Cullinan. 1 of them shows the vehicle’s suicide doors open. https://www.carscoops.com/2018/02/rolls-royce-cullinan-prototype-cracks-open-suicide-doors/

Consumer & industrial products now a dominant urban air pollution source. New study finds surprisingly high contribution from paints, pesticides, perfumes as vehicle emissions drop. UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO AT BOULDER. “Chemical products that contain compounds refined from petroleum, like household cleaners, pesticides, paints and perfumes, now rival motor vehicle emissions as the top source of urban air pollution, according to a surprising NOAA-led study. People use a lot more fuel than they do petroleum-based compounds in chemical products--about 15 times more by weight, according to the new assessment. Even so, lotions, paints & other products contribute about as much to air pollution as the transportation sector does, said lead author Brian McDonald, a CIRES scientist working in NOAA's Chemical Sciences Division. In the case of one type of pollution--tiny particles that can damage people's lungs--particle-forming emissions from chemical products are about twice as high as those from the transportation sector, his team found. McDonald & colleagues from NOAA & several other institutions reported their results today in the journal Science. ‘As transportation gets cleaner, those other sources become more & more important,’ McDonald said. ‘The stuff we use in our everyday lives can impact air pollution.’ For the new assessment, the scientists focused on volatile organic compounds or VOCs. VOCs can waft into the atmosphere and react to produce either ozone or particulate matter -- both of which are regulated in the United States & many other countries because of health impacts, including lung damage. Those of us living in cities & suburbs assume that much of the pollution we breathe comes from car & truck emissions or leaky gas pumps. That's for good reason: it was clearly true in past decades. But regulators & car manufacturers made pollution-limiting changes to engines, fuels, & pollution control systems. So McDonald & his colleagues reassessed air pollution sources by sorting through recent chemical production statistics compiled by industries & regulatory agencies, by making detailed atmospheric chemistry measurements in Los Angeles air, & by evaluating indoor air quality measurements made by others. The scientists concluded that in the United States, the amount of VOCs emitted by consumer and industrial products is actually 2 or 3 times greater than estimated by current air pollution inventories, which also overestimate vehicular sources. For example, the Environmental Protection Agency estimates that about 7% of fossil VOC emissions came from fuel related sources, & about 25% from chemical products. The new study, with its detailed assessment of up-to-date chemical use statistics & previously unavailable atmospheric data, puts the split closer to 50-50. The disproportionate air quality impact of chemical product emissions is partly because of a fundamental difference between those products & fuels, said NOAA atmospheric scientist Jessica Gilman, a co-author of the new paper. ‘Gasoline is stored in closed, hopefully airtight, containers, & the VOCs in gasoline are burned for energy,’ she said. ‘But volatile chemical products used in common solvents & personal care products are literally designed to evaporate. You wear perfume or use scented products so that you or your neighbor can enjoy the aroma. You don’t do this with gasoline,’ Gilman said. The team was particularly interested in how those VOCs end up contributing to particulate pollution. A comprehensive assessment published in the British medical journal Lancet last year put air pollution in a top-5 list of global mortality threats, with ‘ambient particulate matter pollution’ as the largest air pollution risk. The new study finds that as cars have gotten cleaner, the VOCs forming those pollution particles are coming increasingly from consumer products. ‘We’ve reached that transition point already in Los Angeles,’ McDonald said. He & his colleagues found that they simply could not reproduce the levels of particles or ozone measured in the atmosphere unless they included emissions from volatile chemical products. In the course of that work, they also determined that people are exposed to very high concentrations of volatile compounds indoors, which are more concentrated inside than out, said co-author Allen Goldstein, from the University of California Berkeley. ‘Indoor concentrations are often 10 times higher indoors than outdoors, & that’s consistent with a scenario in which petroleum-based products used indoors provide a significant source to outdoor air in urban environments.’ The new assessment does find that the U.S. regulatory focus on car emissions has been very effective, said co-author Joost de Gouw, a CIRES chemist. ‘It’s worked so well that to make further progress on air quality, regulatory efforts would need to become more diverse,’ de Gouw said. ‘It’s not just vehicles any more.’” (February 15) https://eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2018-02/uoca-cai020718.php

You don’t need to be a scientist to see the hoax here: It’s there in blue & red. The blue is based on the raw data from weather stations in each of the U.S. states since 1990, which clearly shows a downward (ie cooling) trend. The red is what the data from these same stations shows after the climate fraudsters at NOAA have ‘adjusted’ it. Now, instead of cooling it shows warming.” http://www.breitbart.com/big-government/2017/08/23/delingpole-all-of-recent-u-s-warming-has-been-faked-by-noaa/

“In a highly unusual ruling, a judge in Lebanon has ordered 3 Muslim men to learn passages from the Quran by heart that praise & glorify the Virgin Mary after they were found guilty of insulting the religious figure, according to a report by the Al Arabiya television network. Lebanese law allows for prison sentences on charges of insulting religions, but the judge decided instead to order the 3 to learn the relevant Quranic passages. According to the report, the unusual punishment got a positive response from the Lebanese public & even received support from Lebanon’s Muslim Prime Minister Saad Hariri & his predecessor Najib Miqati. Both wrote that the sentence is evidence of the judge’s wisdom because her decision gave preference to the teaching of shared values over punishment. Other ministers also praised the judge & noted that beyond the cultural nature of the ruling, ‘It is a precedent-setting ruling that opens a window for other creative judgments in order to solve social problems & deal with religious extremism.’ When the 3 appeared before the judge Jocelyn Mata in the city of Mashie located 37 kilometers north of the capital of Beirut, Mata decided that the 3 must learn the verses ‘to learn the values of tolerance in the religion of Islam & Islam’s love for the virgin. The law is a school & it can’t be reduced just to prisons.’ The 3 were then released, but only after reciting the verses they were ordered to learn.” (Ali Waked, February 17) http://www.breitbart.com/jerusalem/2018/02/17/lebanese-court-orders-muslims-learn-quran-verses-virgin-mary/
Like Pavlov’s dogs, Democrats & their media arm are predictably salivating over the opportunity granted by the Broward County School shooting to advocate gun control as the only answer to the problem of gun crime. That solution is short sighted. In the 1st place, “gun control” is demonstrably not the only potential solution, & certainly not the best. Israel, for example, stopped such attacks dead in their tracks by providing weapons & gun training to teachers. Israel had a much worse problem with school attacks than the US, but their solution has eliminated the problem. In the 2nd place, American gun owners would never stand for confiscation of their weapons -- &, make no mistake, confiscation is the specific “gun control” they are proposing. The Australian “gun control” law is the pattern that Dems want followed here. The Australians did not have a gun-buy-back effort; they confiscated Aussie weapons by police force & imprisoned those who refused to give up their weapons. Americans are like Aussies in many respects, but we are much more devoted to the Second Amendment than Aussies would have ever dreamed of being. If confiscation becomes law, we can expect widespread resistance from gun owners, who understand the importance of the Second Amendment as an individual right to protect citizens from government, not a right of the government. The relationship between Republicans & Democrats is more vocal & angry now than it has been since the Civil War. Back then, Democrats were incensed with the way that they were treated under the law. For example, Republican lawmakers passed tax laws that discriminated against Democrat states (i.e., Southern states), &, in several years just before the Civil War, the majority of the Federal budget came from exorbitant taxes on slave-state products. That lopsided taxing structure added significantly to Democrat rage & contributed to the decision of Democrat states to secede from the Union. Nowadays, some Democrats (especially California liberals) are again threatening to secede from the Union. The surest way to guarantee another civil war is to try to confiscate America’s 300 million privately owned guns.

This has been a rough few weeks for the FBI. Following the recent revelations that some FBI officials colluded in an effort to prevent Donald Trump’s election & then to interfere with his Presidency now comes the shocking disclosure that the FBI had advance warnings about the latest school shooter but did not follow up.
FARK headline: “FBI goes into full CYA mode after Florida shooting.”
FARK headline: “‘I'm going to be a professional school shooter,’ said school shooter who nobody could have predicted would shoot up a school.”
FARK headline: “In a classic case of American exceptionalism, 70 years after Charles Cohen escaped death by hiding in a closet to escape one of the first mass murders in the U.S., his granddaughter hides in a closet to escape a mass murderer & survives. Freedumb.”
Alabama Media Group headline: “Rifle-wielding father tries to storm Alabama daycare; worker hailed as hero for blocking entry.”
CBSMinnesota headline: “Reality Check: More Minnesotans Own Guns, Violent Crime Remains Low.”
DRUDGE headline: “TRUMP: Dems could have passed gun control under Obama.”
AutoSpies headline: “That New Supra You Have Been Frothing At The Mouth For Will Be BMW Powered.”
BimmerPost headline: “The F90 BMW M5 is the quickest sedan ever tested by Car and Driver, beating even Tesla Model S P90S!”
DRUDGE headline: “Half of Puerto Rico's housing was built illegally, and then came Hurricane Maria.”
DRUDGE headline: “Flight diverted after passenger refuses to stop FARTING.”
FARK headline: “The C was angry that day, my friends.” See below.

Journal Star headline: “C in Commerce Bank sign catches fire in Downtown Peoria.”

FARK headline: “Mastermind murderer texts detective instead of girlfriend about wife's murder. Guess which state. Go on, you'll never guess
DRUDGE headline: “APPLE Employees Keep Smacking Into Their New Headquarters' Glass Walls.”
FARK headline: “Alzheimer’s can be completely reversed in mice by removing just one enzyme. So now mice suffering from Alzheimer’s will totally remember where that cheese is, & all about that cat.”
FARK headline: “Showing up hammered at your DUI hearing will elicit no sympathy from the bench. (With helpful picture of Thirsty McDrunkerstein.)”
FARK headline: “Burglar tries to throw a brick through a glass door & fails. So does the second burglar, but the first burglar intercepts the brick with his head.”
FARK headline: “Drunk guy gets in fight at strip club, drives off, runs from cops, avoids the K-9, but can’t hide from the police drone.”
NewsMAX headline: “In-person License Renewal May Reduce Crashes Involving People with Dementia.”
Independant headline: “Cleaning products as bad for lungs as smoking 20 cigarettes a day, scientists warn.”
DRUDGE headline: “In a world first, Switzerland deems it illegal to boil lobster.”
FARK headline: “Road rage is dumb. Raging & shooting the other driver is dumber. Bragging about it on Facebook is dumberer.”
DRUDGE headline: “How NBC Reported Wrong Gold Medalist, Then Botched Correction.”
FARK headline: “Honda rear-ended by errant driver who flees...after knocking Honda into path of oncoming Amtrak train.”
FARK headline: “Finally, Liddle’ Adam Schiff, the leakin’ monster of no control, is now telling Trump it’s time toupee the piper.”

Jalopnik headline: “Hard Daytona 500 Wreck Knocks Danica Patrick Out Of Her Final NASCAR Race.”

Breitbart headline: “DEMS STRUGGLING TO COPE WITH GOP TAX LAW’S ‘RISING POPULARITY.’”
Breitbart headline: “This Is CNN: Says Ted Cruz ‘Afraid’ to Talk About School Shooting — After He Recorded Interview That Didn’t Air.”
Daily Caller headline: “A Chinese Official Tried To Stop An Aide Carrying The Nuclear Football. What Happened Next Was So Crazy John Kelly Had To Get Involved.”
Daily Caller headline: “Maxine Waters Attended Nation Of Islam Convention Where Farrakhan Defended Suicide Bombers.”
Daily Caller headline: “Bernie Sanders Quietly Dings Obama For Clamming Up During Russian Meddling.”
Daily Caller headline: “Anti-Gun News Outlets Push False Claim That Florida Shooter Was ‘Trained’ By The NRA.”
Daily Caller headline: “Hillary Clinton Claims There Have Been ‘Over 230’ School Shootings Since 2012 -- She’s Off By About 200.”
NewsMAX headline: “Russian Bots Flood Twitter on Gun Control After Shooting.”
DRUDGE headline: “Vehicles Stuck On Interstate After Big Rig Leaks Tar.”
FARK headline: “Man on trial for attempted murder skips out on the last day of his trial, missing the part where the jury convicts him.”
Breitbart headline: “More Global Warming Fraud: NOAA Caught Adjusting Big Freeze out of Existence.”
Breitbart headline: “Lobster Emoji Being Corrected to Have Right Number of Legs.”
FARK headline: “Syrian forces enter Kurdish held Afrin, threaten Nuprin & Excedrin next.”
FARK headline: “Imprisoned suspected drug dealer sets world record for not pooping.”
YAHOO! Sports headline: “NBC cut into Olympics broadcast in L.A. to go to absolutely insane car chase.”
DRUDGE headline: “SUIT: Whistleblower says TESLA sold defective vehicles.”



FARK headline: “There are right ways & wrong ways to get rid of skunks inside your house. This is a wrong way.”
FARK headline: “There’s dumb, & then there’s ‘calling the police because KFC has run out of chicken’ dumb.”
Daily Caller headline: “Abortionist Compares Pro-Lifers To The Taliban: Protesting For Life Is ‘Terrorism.’”
Daily Caller headline: “Poll Shows Most Americans Don’t Want Self-Driving Vehicles.”
Daily Caller headline: “RUSSIA: Our Polar Bears Are Adapting To Global Warming.”
Daily Caller headline: “China Is On The Warpath To Stop Strippers From Performing At Funerals.”
FARK headline: “Dogs everywhere alarmed as canine influenza is spreading. When asked to comment, cats said ‘meh.’”
“A Sunday school teacher asked Little Willie who the 1st man was. ‘Hoss,’ said Willie. ‘No,” said the teacher, ‘it was Adam.’ ‘Ah shucks’ Willie replied, ‘I knew it was one of those Cartwrights.’” (Mike Rucker. c/o Bill Kirby, February 12)
“The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor & calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’” (Paul Griffin. c/o Bill Kirby, February 15)

“Fred called his brother Tom, who was on vacation, to let him know about the pet he had been watching. ‘Thought you should know,’ Fred said, ‘your cat’s dead.’ ‘Way to go,” said Tom, ‘you’ve ruined my vacation with bad news. Couldn’t you just have said, “The cat’s stuck on the roof’? Then I could deal with it when got home.’ ‘OK,’ Fred said, ‘Sorry I messed things up.’ So, a quiet week passed & Tom thought he would check in before driving home. ‘Hey, Fred,’ he said over the phone, ‘how’s it going?’ There was silence for a moment, then his brother said, ‘Well, nothing much … but the other day Grandma got stuck on the roof.’” (Bill Kirby, January 25)

“Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. For those who haven’t stopped at CVS to buy a gift on the way home from work yet, quick reminder: No grown woman wants a stuffed animal.” (Jimmy Kimmel, February 13)
“I have a theory. Valentine’s Day was made up by the greeting card companies to trick you into telling your wife you love her.” (Jimmy Kimmel, February 13)




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