Lost Treasures of the Bandicoot Household

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Lost Treasures of the Bandicoot Household

A story by Ultrasaurus

Coco is on the telephone that morning, is holding a letter in her hand.

Coco: I can't believe we're this much overdrawn. I don't know quite what Crash has been spending money on. I just hope it's not another lonely hearts' club he's joined. So far all his attempts to find girlfriends have had the kind of success usually associated with banana-skin shoe salesmen.

Alison: (friend of Coco's) Didn't Crash get into trouble with some girl called Katrina?

Coco: Oh yes. Well, nothing ever came of that. You know what some of these girls who've been brought up to think they're something special are like. They finish up thinking their farts smell of perfume. (just at that minute Crash enters the room). Have to go now. (she puts the phone down and starts waving the piece of paper with the bank statement on it about) Know what this is, Crash?

Crash: Uh, peace in our time?

Coco: Wrong. It's a bank statement, and we're overdrawn by a huge amount of money. Do you know anything about this?

Crash: Uh, well I do now you've told me.

Coco: I mean, what have you been spending money on?

Crash: Uh (turns the colour of Jupiter's spot) Well, there was this girl....

Coco: Not Imbriella from the art university.

Crash: Uh, sort of.

Coco: You went out with her and it was a complete disaster.

Crash: Yeah, cos I didn't get her a big enough present.

Coco: It was because she was an intelligent, sophisticated girl who wasn't all that impressed by you burping the tune of "Stranger on the Shore". And I don't think she was that thrilled by you showing her your longest burp either.

Crash: I can do a burp that lasts nearly two minutes! How can that not be great? How many other people can do that?

Coco: You'll never find a girlfriend with manners like that. And anyway, we've got to think how we're going to pay that money back.

Crash: Uh, can't we get some out that special piggy bank for special emergency special emergency-fings?

Coco: We could if you hadn't spent it all on lollipops. No, we're totally broke. We'll have to find something to sell.

Crash, on seeing Coco looking in the general direction of his PS2 and games, is horrified. Instantly he builds a fence around them, sets up security cameras and floodlights and starts patrolling up and down in a security guard's uniform. The peaked cap is far too big and so he walks straight into the wall.

Crash: (rubbing his nose) Ow. Hey, my Playstation stuff is not going anywhere.

Coco: There must be something up in the attic. We'll have a look up there. You never know - some people find real treasures in their attics.

Just then there is a knock at the door. Crash answers it to find a suited man standing on the doorstep. He announces himself as Mr Thwale from Turpin Bank.

Thwale: Coco Bandicoot?

Crash: Uh, no thankyou. Not today. (confused) Uh, hang on. That's my sister. (scratches head) Uh, she's for sale?

Thwale: (looks at Crash as though he is something he just stepped in) I am not a salesman. I am here to see a Miss Coco Bandicoot. If you're not her, then kindly step aside.

Coco: What's the problem?

Thwale: (produces an official paper and hands it to her) This is to say you are overdrawn by exactly a thousand pounds. By the powers invested in me by Turpin Bank, I am hereby ordering you to pay back the money, plus five-hundred pounds penalty interest, by the end of the week.

Coco: Sorry? Fifteen-hundred pounds?

Thwale: You have five days to pay the money you owe. Otherwise.... (he glances towards an expensive Turpin Bank company car containing three huge, burly, unlovely-looking men)

Coco: Who are they?

Thwale: Oh, just my employees. Most people pay up on time, so they don't have much fun. That means they have to make the most of the occasions when some idiot fails to repay their debts. (smiles a smile which might frighten kittens) You've got a pretty little face, girl. Be a shame to change that.

At that he walks briskly away to his car. Coco can but stare anxiously at those three man-like creatures.

Later that day, Crash and Coco have been searching through assorted junk in the attic.

Crash: Uh, howcome those men want you to repay the money when it was me that spent it?

Coco: The bank account's in my name, that's why. The last time you tried to fill in a form you spilt marmalade all over it. This is hopeless. There's nothing of any value in this attic.

Crash: Hey, there's loads of great stuff.

Coco: There's an inflatable sea monster with about a dozen holes in it, a load of old Betamax video tapes, a lot of bubble-wrap packagaing.

Crash: Hey, those are cool with a capital 'coo'. I used to love popping all the bubbles. Still do.

Coco: I don't think it'll be worth fifteen-hundred pounds, though.

Crash: There's loads of old stuff here though. You never know, someone might want it.

Coco: Yes. After all, that psychiatric clinic is not far from here. Give me strength.

(By the end of the week, not a thing has been sold. There is an ominous knock at the door).

Coco: I'll get it. (answers door)

Thwale: You got the money?

Coco: (anxious) Not exactly. Perhaps if we had a little more time to pay it.

Thwale: (smiles) Let's go outside. I'd hate to go and make a mess all over your carpet.

Crash, meanwhile, is sitting on the sofa. Sitting back too heavily, he falls straight down the back of the sofa, finds himself in a landscape of fields stretching out as far as the eye can see. The fields are all covered in forks and biros, whilst not far away is a huge biro-shaped totem pole dedicated to the Unknown Biro Lost Forever. Looking around, Crash notices a gold-plated biro. Swiftly he grabs it, leaps upwards into a hole in the sky which leads back into the living room and hurries to the door.

Crash: Hey, what about this! (holds out the golden biro)

Thwale: (who already has his knuckledusters on and is ready to deal out violence) Wha....WHAT?!

Crash: This is worth more than fifteen-hundred, ain't it?

Thwale: (horrified) Er, well, uh, yes. (he is forced to take the pen, walks away sobbing. His thugs, who also thought they were going to have some fun with their fists, are also disappointed and blubbing. Thwale is staring furiously at the golden biro which has spoilt his fun).

Coco: (smiling) Bye, Mr Thwale! If we ever get overdrawn, do feel free to write to us!


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