Lots of jokes/funnies!!!!


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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries... right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-GUN.... that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

(You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make)

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son."
“Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."
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Everything has a gender........

You may not know this, but many nonliving things have a gender.
1.) Ziploc bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2.) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3.) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4.) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5.) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6.) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7.) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8.) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9.) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10.) A Remote Control is Female.
You thought it'd be male, didn't you?

But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Pass these on to both male and female friends of yours so that they can have a chuckle too.






A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
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Here are some one-liners for high stress days:

1. You - off my planet.

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be??

6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

7. Allow me to introduce my selves.

8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.

11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

20. Earth is full - go home.

21. Is it time for your medication or mine?

22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

  1. I'm not tense, just terribly alert.


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turnaround to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night the old man would shout,

"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."
My kinda woman!!!
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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She

was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very

little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper

for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She

thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire

the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than

the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a

lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was

doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go

into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One

o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired


He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the

rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting

for him. She quietly called him over to her.

Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she


"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them

neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching

her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was

told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the

fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town

again, you're fired."

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive Stuff.
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower -
Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go

and tell his wife."Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive

stuff, I ll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she

gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to

her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the

town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they

began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased

the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against

your religion, but I can't understand why such a

wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know

what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've

tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi,

when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said,

"At your wedding."

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.

The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped

her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?"

he asked politely.

"The front ! row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The

pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
(Dumb Blonde Joke)
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year......namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
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The Race
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat

race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward,

the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate

management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be

found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and

recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and

one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight

people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the

consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not

enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's

management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four

steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance

review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American

corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the

managers a bonus for discovering the problem."

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?


Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the

tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they

are afraid of falling and getting hurt. So, instead, they sometimes

take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to

reach. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them,

when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the

right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all

the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's

up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into

something acceptable to have dinner with.

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A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother."

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