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A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car......

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An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man didn't bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. So I was just wondering if you were my son!"

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It was Postman Jack's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.


When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift check for $500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".

He said, "Screw him - give him five bucks."

She smiled prettily. "But, the breakfast was my idea"

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RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER "T."
EXAMPLES OF THOSE DAYS ARE AS FOLLOWS:
TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:


5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT......


YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......

YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY.........


AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?


NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A WIFE?


ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?


ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?


THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?


A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTIO! N OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?

ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT..........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE?


A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS "ONCE UPON A TIME....."
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS...........
"Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SHIT..."
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Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little brother Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”


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How to Kill Time in Wal-Mart:
15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts

when they

aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.


3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest

rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code

3' in

housewares..... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers

you'll


invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why

can't


you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick

your


nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if

he knows


where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission

Impossible" theme.


12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using

different

size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK

ME!


PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the

fetal

position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"


(And last but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and,

then,


yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
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Two Trees.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the Beech says to the Birch, ''Is That a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?
The Birch says he can not tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The Birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is the son of a Beech or son of a Birch?''

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies. "It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch, it is however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in.

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Effective January 1, 2006

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it's hanging around

unemployed, 30% of the time it's hard up, 20% of the time it's pissed off

and 10% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.


Effective January 1, 2006, penises will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:


10"-12" Luxury Tax

8"-10" Pole Tax

5"-8" Privilege Tax

4"-5" Nuisance Tax


Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
Do Not ask for an EXTENSION!!!!!!
Issues still under consideration are as follows:

Are there penalties for early withdrawal?

Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

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Buying a computer

If any of you are thinking of buying a computer for someone this may help you....

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to

REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou

Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"............
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A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips." The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

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A man who had an awesome relationship with God was walking along the

California beach talking and communing with God. God looked at him and

said "because I am so pleased with you, I want to grant you your

greatest wish."

The man excited and happy asked God to make him a bridge between

California and Hawaii because he had not yet overcome his fear of

flying. He wanted this because Hawaii has awesome beaches and he loved

the beach.

God told the man that this was IMPOSSIBLE, The logistics of the whole

thing made it impossible to build a bridge between California and

Hawaii.

God then asked the man to give him another great wish. The man equally


happy asked God to make him understand women. He reminded God that he

had been divorced 4 times. He went on to remind God that each of his

ex-wives said that he was insensitive and just could not make them

happy. The man told God that he wanted more than anything to find a

woman that he could make happy.

After a few minutes, God responded back to the man and said "Do you

want that bridge to have one, or two lanes..."
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How do these people survive?


ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you

could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a

half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the

teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six,

nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen

nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head

and ordered six McNuggets


TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items

and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I

picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash

register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get

mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up

the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could

scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how

much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think

I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things

and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy

drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what

she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they

kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM

"thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should

have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't

get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant

convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I

dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote

thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took

the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you

drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm

almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine

paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last

remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and

proceeded to make five "blank" copies.


SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home

was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire

need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra

in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me

that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the

back to make a sandwich.


SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central

office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they

have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a

woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got

smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire

downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a

metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a

photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the

copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought

the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"

was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she

needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating

ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and

should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant

killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
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Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's

suggestion that the following warning labels be placed

immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you

wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you

think you are whispering when you are not
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in

dancing like a retard.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to

tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you

to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to

believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone

them at four in the morning.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you

think you can logically converse with members of the

opposite sex without spitting.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the

illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better

looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you

to think people are laughing WITH you.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause

pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead

you to believe you are invisible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a

disturbance in the time-space continuum, leaving you

unable to account for large chunks of time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you

think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in

you getting your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to

roll over in the morning and see something really scary.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading

cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees

and lower back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you

tink you kan tpye reel gode.


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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

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What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.


What! ! do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?

Because Janet Reno is her real father.


What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick..


What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend a nd husband?

45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.



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