Lots of jokes/funnies!!!!


Download 269.48 Kb.
Date conversion29.03.2017
Size269.48 Kb.
1   2   3   4   5   6
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better, she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I am 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I am sure we will be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your Son,
P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I am over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than My Report Card....which is in my desk, center drawer. I LOVE YOU!! Call when it is safe for me to come home
A Redneck Nativity Scene
A New York fellow, while traveling through a small town in Georgia, saw a nativity scene at a local Baptist Church that was quite unique. The three wise men were wearing fireman's helmets!

He stopped at a coffee shop at the edge of town, and asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at him, "You dang Yankees never do read the Bible!"

He assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from "afar"

.:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:.
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ..walked home....and left it there all night.

You gotta love George !!!
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual:
Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through!!
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?

Don't look down---Don't look down---Don't look down

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. You know the candies with the little hole in the center. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began to say:




Finally the professor gave all of them them honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste. "Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Ooooh, They’re assholes!"
.:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:.
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.


The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.
She bought the frog and put him in the car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.


She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;




anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,

she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas,

once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking, you pervert??
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.
.:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

Women are clever, evil bitches.

Don't mess with us
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
.:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:.

Two men are driving through West Virginia when they get pulled over by a deputy sheriff. The sheriff walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the sheriff smacks him in the head with the stick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in West Virginia, boy," the sheriff answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."

The deputy runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives his license back.

The deputy then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the deputy smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger whines.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the deputy

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Well now," says the deputy, "you know and I know that about two blocks down the road you're going to turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that asshole had tried that shit with me!"

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross.

Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with

being a whore call girl?'

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
"Good enough."
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password...Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


.:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:.

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St . Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone.

The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.

But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was".

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day

St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"?

Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and

I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…"

Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind..... but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.

"I learnt it from the song…




St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

FBI Job Opening
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. .
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. . . Kill Her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Three ducks walked into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey ?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want ?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles.
.:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:. .:|:..:|:.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."



I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.


While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

1   2   3   4   5   6

The database is protected by copyright ©hestories.info 2017
send message

    Main page