Lyrics for: Ain’t Nothin’ but a Groundhog: Songs of Biology



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Lyrics for: Ain’t Nothin’ but a Groundhog: Songs of Biology



It seems like the one national holiday for which there are no good songs is Groundhog Day. In order to begin to fill that rather obvious vacuum, I present here a modest example of a Groundhog Day song:

Ain't Nothin' but a Groundhog by Jeffrey Moran1


Chorus: Ain't nothin' but a groundhog, sleepin' all the time.

Ain't nothin' but a groundhog, sleepin' all the time.

You ain't never chucked wood, you ain't no friend of mine.
You said you ate dry grass; that was just a lie.

You said you ate dry grass; that was just a lie.

'Cause you eat sweet clover until the day you die.
You dig yourself a burrow for sleepin' in at night.

You dig yourself a burrow for sleepin' in at night.

'Cause you eat all day 'til you can't eat another bite.
Chorus:
You eat a lot all summer so you can hibernate.

You eat a lot all summer gaining lots of weight.

Then you sleep all winter 'til it's spring and it's time to mate.

You said you had canines, that was not the truth.

You said you had canines, that was not the truth.

‘Cause like every rodent you got big incisor tooths.


Chorus:
A Squirrel's Gotta Do What a Squirrel's Gotta Do

by Jeffrey Moran2


I spend a lot of time picking up nuts

And eating seeds and berries to fill my guts.

But if I spend a lot of time gathering food,

It's 'cause a squirrel's gotta do what a squirrel's gotta do.


I have a really lovely fluffy tail

Which I use for balance and a blanket or sail.

Sometimes it's a sunshade or a parachute,

'Cause a squirrel's gotta do what a squirrel's gotta do.

Chorus: A squirrel's gotta do what a squirrel's gotta do.

Whatever my instincts allow me to.

Eating, mating, climbing trees the whole year through.

A squirrel's gotta do what a squirrel's gotta do.

You may think I'm noisy 'cause I chatter and growl,

And I can purr and grunt, but I cannot howl.

So when I'm sittin' on a branch a scolding you,

It's 'cause a squirrel's gotta do what a squirrel's gotta do.

I molt twice a year, in the spring and fall.

And in my new fur I give a mating call

Baby squirrels are born in a month or two,

'Cause a squirrel's gotta do what a squirrel's gotta do.


Chorus:

Furrier Than Thou


Lyrics by Jeffrey B. Moran3, music by Steve Berg
There’s many animals in this world we share.

But not a lot of them can say that they have got some hair.

Every animal’s unique in its own special way;

But if you are a mammal, you’ve got the hair to say:


Chorus: I’m furrier than thou! I’m furrier than thou!

Other creatures have other features, but I’m furrier than thou!


You come ‘round and flaunt your feathers right into my face. You got wings and hollow bones and fly all o’er the place. You’ve got a gizzard and a bursa, a syrinx in your throat.

Well, I don’t care, you’ve got no hair for a natural fur coat.

I ain’t got no feathers. I ain’t got no beak.

My aorta doesn’t arch to the right.

But I’ve got hair to spare, yes, I’ve got hair, it’s what I wear.

It’s what I wear to keep me warm at night.


Chorus: I’m furrier than thou! I’m furrier than thou!

I may not fly around the sky, but I’m furrier than thou!

You got dry skin covered with scales, slither over the ground.

Your nose is no good, you smell with your tongue, just flicking it around.

You got no arms, got no legs, but you constrict and squeeze.

Well, I don’t care, you got no hair providing homes for fleas.

I don’t lay no eggs. I ain’t got no scales.

I ain’t got no ugly unhinged lower jaws.

But I’ve got hair to spare, yes, I’ve got hair, it’s what I wear.

I wear it all the way down to my paws.

Chorus: I’m furrier than thou! I’m furrier than thou!

Now you can stare at all my hair, ‘cause I’m furrier than thou!


You got moist skin and it’s slimy ‘cause you got lots of glands;

And when you sing, just look at how your little throat expands.

Your little babies are tadpoles that squiggle in a pond.

Well, I don’t care, ‘cause I got hair of which I am quite fond.

I ain’t got no nose running in my mouth.

I ain’t got cold blood, I’m not chilly all the time.

But I’ve got hair to spare, yes, I’ve got hair, it’s what I wear.

It’s my hair that enables me to swear: I’m . . .

Chorus: ...furrier than thou! I’m furrier than thou!

You’re in the metamorphose set, but I’m furrier than thou!


You stay in water all day long, swimming with your fins.

A swim bladder for buoyancy, and scales outside your skin.

You’ve got a lateral line system to tell you up from down.

Well, I don’t care ‘cause I got hair to wear when I’m in town.

I don’t got no fins. I ain’t got no gills.

I don’t swim so deep and I don’t swim so well.

But I’ve got hair to spare, yes, I’ve got hair, it’s what I wear.

And I do think that my hair’s really swell.


Chorus: And I’m furrier than thou! I’m furrier than thou!

I don’t care if I breathe air, ‘cause I’m furrier than thou!


So if you’re feeling blue someday, things have got you down.

The animals make fun of you, and your face wears a frown;

If there’s times you feel like you have had a bad hair day,

You can rejoice, and with your voice shout, “I am hair to say:

Chorus: I’m furrier than thou! I’m furrier than thou!

I may not fly around the sky, or metamorph from a small tadpole. I don’t have fins to help me swim, and slith’ring round is not my goal.

But I’m furrier than thou! I’m furrier than thou!

And I thank God and evolution that I’m furrier than thou!



The Culture of the Vulture

by Jeffrey Moran4
I am just a poor bird and my story’s seldom told

For they say that vultures have no virtues to behold,

And no one wants to hear about a bird that eats carcasses of road kill dogs and deer.

They’d rather hear about a meadowlark because they’re pretty and they sing: “winter’s over, spring is here” . . .

Chorus: But I can soar-----higher than an eagle.

And I’ve got good eyes---I can spot a dead beagle

On the side of the road from a mile or two away.

And I can smell dead and rotting meat---from at least as far away as I can see it . . .

And if I have to eat dead meat—so be it.
Oh, they say I’m ugly ‘cause my head is bald and red,

But no feathers makes it better when I’m sticking it in something that is dead.

And they think that I’m barbarian because I eat carrion.

It’s enough to make you a vegetarian.


Chorus:

You know there’s nothing edible my stomach can’t digest,

But they say that I’m primitive ‘cause I don’t build a nest.

I lay a pair of eggs on the ledge of a high cliff or on the ground among some rocks and sticks.

My mate and I, we share the incubation chores, and in a month we have a pair of chicks.

Chorus:
They say I’m disgusting ‘cause I vomit in defense . . . But, I don’t care what they say as long as I can be wild and free, just riding those thermal columns of warm air rising high into the sky, where I soar with my 6-foot wing-span forming a shallow V-shaped dihedral, and I hardly ever have to flap .


Chorus:

A Parasitic Love Song

Lyrics by Jeffrey Moran5, music by Steve Berg

(This is a love song that a tapeworm might sing to its host.)

Chorus: I just can’t live without you, no matter how I try.

And if you were to leave me, I know I’d surely die.

Our relationship must seem like a one-way street to you.

But please, dear, forgive me for loving you like I do.

I never really meant to be a burden,

‘Cause you provide me everything I need.

Shelter from this troubled world we live in,

Food and warmth to help me to succeed.

I know that your the only reason I’m alive today,

It’s not my nature to return the favors that you give.

There’s so many times I wished there was more that I could say than “I love you and I need you to forgive.”
Chorus:
I wouldn’t hurt you if I had a choice,

And if I went away, you wouldn’t grieve.

But by evolutionary fate

I’m so attached to you I cannot leave

You know I’m not responsible for what I do to you

I know that you’d be better off if I left you alone.

But you have the physiology I’m desperate for,

And without you, I’m nothing on my own.


Chorus:

Mendel’s Theme

by Jeffrey Moran6



This is a song that Gregor Mendel would sing while he tended that Moravian monastery garden where his observations of peas in the mid-19th century led him to discover some of the fundamental principles of genetics.
Chorus: Peas, peas, peas, peas, peas.

What kind of pea are you? What kind of pea are you?

There’s many kinds of peas to be if your genes will only

Let you be your choice of pea.


Are you a yellow pea in a pod of green?

Wishing you could be blue if you just had the gene.

Are you a dwarfish pea from a plant that’s short?

Or are you tall instead of small? There’s peas of every sort.


Chorus:

Are you a smooth skinned pea in a constricted pod?

Or is your skin all wrinkled in and are you feeling odd?

Was your pea flower white, shining in the sun,

Or colored rose with pink that shows until the day is done?

Now, the other monks at the monastery made an awful lot of fun of poor Brother Gregor out there in the garden all day long, just singin’ away to them peas, and making little notes about them in a spiral parchment notepad he was supposed to be hand writing a copy of the New Testament in. And one of the other brothers, a Brother Del Monte, finally made up another verse to this song and it goes something like this:
Now when your fruit is ripe, I’ll pick you every pea.

And when you’re fried and on my inside,

You’ll all look the same to me.
Chorus:

Why You Look Like Your Father

by Jeffrey Moran7

(This song has an error on the CD. Can you identify it? Does it make any difference in a discussion of genetics?)
One day when I came in from working in the yard

I saw my Pa a lookin’ at me, starin’ real hard.

He said, “Son, I been a studyin’ your eyes and ears and hair,

And I see you got some traits that in our kin are kinda rare.”

He said, “I can’t help but notice your earlobes are attached, You ain’t got no widow’s peak nor any long eye lashes.

And I ain’t got red, curly hair like what’s upon your head. So I’m a thinkin’ you look less like me and more like my best friend Ed.”

I could see this here was one of them teachable moments, so I patiently explained.

“What yore talkin’ about is genetics. Ed can’t be blamed.

Now, as you know, in general, you have two alleles

That determine which genetic trait will be revealed.

When an allele is dominant it will be expressed

When the genotypic state is heterozygous. But when they’re homozygous, your recessive traits show through.

And maybe that’s why I don’t look exactly like you do.

Chorus: It’s in the genes. It’s in the genes.

Those miniscule, molecular machines.

Some come from your Pa, and some come from your Ma.

However that you look, it’s in your genes.

Pa scratched his head and said, “I guess that’s why we sent you off to school. I should be glad our money’s not wasted on some fool. But I still don’t understand ‘bout them freckles on your face, And in our family photos, that cleft chin looks out of place. And all your bro’s and sis’s have Darwinian ear points. And when you’re hitchhiking, looks like your thumb’s got an extra joint.

I ‘member now your Ma worried ‘bout our kids bein’ inbred. I believe I’ll just go have a talk with my ol’buddy Ed.”


It looked like another teachable moment, so I said, “Hold on there, Pa. I can tell there’s something a stickin’ in your craw.

But hitchhiker’s thumb, red hair, and attached ear lobes

Are all a result of recessive genetic codes.

And widow’s peak, long eye lashes, freckles, and cleft chins

Are traits that are dominant in everybody’s kin.

So before you go gettin’ all riled up at Ed,

Maybe we should look at our whole family tree instead.”
Chorus:

One Chance

by Jeffrey Moran8

(This is a song that a black widow spider male might sing at his bachelor party. Typically after mating, the black widow female kills and eats the male.)

I looked about at all my friends hangin’ ‘round that dusty old cobweb. They’re handsome fellows, every single one.

But she chose me to be the father of her babies; I got sperm.

And we’re mating at the setting sun.

My friends said, “Don’t be scared, boy.

There ain’t no finer female anywhere.

And those 8 long sexy legs are hard to ignore.

She’s got a great set of pedipalps, and when it comes to bods, That hour-glass figure, it is to die for.



And then I realized, all my friends are virgins. What do they really know about it?

Chorus: Well, I never knew my Daddy,

But I wish he could give advice somehow.

‘Cause he’s been there and done that,

Or else I wouldn’t be in this spot now.

And I can’t help but wonder as I go into the night

If I only got one chance (uhhuh) to do it right.

I don’t mind a sayin’ I’m still nervous about this whole affair. I think I need a good stiff drink.

My best friend could see my hesitation, so he pulled me aside And said, “Name your poison, bro’.

Just look at that shiny black chitinous exoskeleton.

And you get to move into a house she’s already built.

And when those 8 eyes look at you, man, you’ll just melt away. And she’ll dress you up in silk.”

Which, being a spider, somehow isn’t real comforting.

Chorus:
Bridge: Now here it comes again, that pheromone perfume Making me an offer I just can’t refuse . . .


Chorus:
Clouds

by Jeffrey Moran9
Fragile wisps of angel hair, dragons, castles, polar bears,

And silly faces in the air. I’ve looked at clouds that way.

But now my teacher wants to know just which clouds make

rain and snow,

And how they form and where they go. What am I to say?

We watch clouds float over us. Cirrus, stratus, cumulus

Are names of clouds that I recall, but I really don’t know

clouds . . . at all.


Water cycling every day. The sun warms water with its rays. Oceans, rivers, lakes, and bays, all evaporate.

Vapor high up in the air cools down passed the dew point there. Saturated atmosphere forming condensates.

Little droplets coalesce, condensation, cloudiness.

And that’s how clouds begin to form. If they’re big enough

. . . they storm.

Cirrus clouds form way up high, at least 5 miles up in the sky, Where it’s cold. They’re made of ice.

Frosty window panes.

Stratus clouds spread out wide, layered thick so they hide

Sun and moon and stars at night. They bring snow and rain. Cumulus clouds, cotton balls, sometimes several miles tall.

Islands in a sky of blue. I can see all sorts of shapes. . . . Can you?

Cirrus clouds high in the air mean that the weather’s fair.

Stratus clouds in atmosphere, precipitation falls.

Cumulus clouds oft appear on sunny, warm days, mostly clear, And when weather is severe.

Thunderheads, they’re called.

Now, when my teacher wants to know how clouds form, ‘bout rain and snow, I’m not shy, I am proud, ‘cause now I really know . . . about clouds.
We Were Meant To Be Together

by Jeffrey Moran10

(This is a song about the relationship between two magnets, which, as you know, are those things you find crawling all over a dead cat.)

Chorus: We were meant to be together, like birds of a feather, Like the buttered side of toast and the floor.

Just like every hammer’s got to hit a thumb

And every tennis shoe’s got to find a piece of gum,

We were meant to be together forever more.
Opposites attract, they say, and, baby, we’re poles apart.

It’s like I’m the North and you’re the South.

We’re different right from the start.

But the nearer we are to each other the stronger our attraction becomes. And when our flux lines converge, just feel that power surge.



Oh, you stroke my lodestone, baby . . .
Chorus: We were meant to be together, like birds of a feather, Like the buttered side of toast and the floor.

Just like every slush ball’s got to hit a face

And every basketball’s got to smash a vase,

We were meant to be together forever more.


Well, it a little like being in love, kind of hard to explain.

When they try to pull us apart and separate our ferrous domains. They put us in motors, Cds, and tapes, computers and levitated trains And even if we can’t understand the source, we know it’s a fundamental force.



Oh, you keep my charged particles in motion, baby . . .

Chorus: We were meant to be together, like birds of a feather, Like the buttered side of toast and the floor.

Just like every tire’s got to find a nail

And every Captain Ahab’s got to shoot a whale,

We were meant to be together forever more.

Repeat first chorus:

Thermodynamics


Lyrics by Jeffrey Moran11, music by Steve Berg
Now, you can’t hit a homer with a broken bat,

And you can’t make a racehorse out of a rat.

You can’t score a touchdown without the ball

And you won’t win the race if you smash the wall.

You won’t make baskets if you don’t take aim,

And you can’t get out of the game.


Chorus: ‘Cause, you cain’t get something for nothing,

And water won’t run uphill.

The band won’t play what you want ‘em to play

If you cain’t pay the bill.

And there’s no free lunch (well, thanks a bunch!),

But if you’re thinking of leavin’,

Remember not only can you never win,

You cain’t even break even.


You can’t get hot by sitting on ice,

And you can’t buy a Caddy at a Chevy’s price.

You can’t get strong by just laying around,

And you can’t touch the moon standing on the ground.

Whatever goes up has gotta come down,

And you can’t get out of town.


Chorus:

You can’t grow trees in the desert sand;

If you’re out of cards, you can’t win the hand.

Your car won’t run when it’s got no fuel,

A zircon crystal’s not a diamond jewel.

And when it seems like you’re getting ahead,

Someone else is dropping dead.
Chorus:

Sir Isaac Newton and the Three Laws of Motion


Lyrics by Jeffrey B. Moran12, music by Steve Berg

About 300 years ago Sir Isaac Newton napped

Beneath the branches of an apple tree.

A big ol’ rotten apple fell and Isaac’s head was whapped, And he woke up and said, “By gravity!”

Sometimes it takes a head-whapping to give you a notion.

Now, Isaac he went home and wrote down 3 laws of motion.

Chorus: Well, Sir Isaac Newton, he knew a ton of stuff

‘Bout how the laws of motion make things move about.

And it hit him on the crown and it nearly knocked him down. But it left his brainy thoughts without a doubt.

Yes, it left his brainy thought without a doubt.


The first law of motion, inertia it is called,

Is that a body tends to stay the course.

Whether without motion or in a thin straight line

‘til acted on by some unbalanced force.

Until some forces push or pull a body stays in place,

And starting up’s a problem that all bodies have to face.


The second law of motion, as everybody knows,

Concerns a body in acceleration.

A force pushes a mass, F = ma.

I know that you remember that equation.

Now, when you have two masses, the biggest one goes slow, And the bigger that the force is, the faster things will go.
The third law of motion, most famous of them all,

Says for every action in this universe

An equal and opposite reaction occurs,

Which could be a blessing or a curse.

Because when you land hard upon some rocky ground

The rocks also hit hard your body all around.



And it matters not whether the stones hit the bones or the bones hit the stones, it’s going to be bad for the bones.

But if you treat the world with a kind and gentle hand,

The world treats you gently back, and everything is grand.
Chorus:

Sleep Stages Lullaby

Lyrics by Jeffrey B. Moran13, music by Steve Berg

The sun’s going down at the end of the day;

All of the toys have been put away.

There’s no more time for me to play.

It’s time to get ready for sleep.

So I brush all my teeth and hug everyone,

And make sure that all of my homework is done.

I’m gettin wound down from having fun.

It’s time to start counting sheep.

I want to stay up for a few minutes more,

But my head is nodding; it’s hard to ignore.

My pupils dilate and constrict slowly for

Stage I sleep has begun.

My eyes start rolling uncontrollably,

No more alpha waves in my EEG.

Thetas emerging spontaneously.

My sleep has entered Stage I.


Now I’m snuggled comfortably down in my bed.

Dreams are starting to enter my head.

Based on things I’ve heard or read.

My sleep is now in Stage II.

My EEG has sleep spindles now,

And my arousal threshhold is increased somehow,

With body movements diminished to allow

Stage II sleep to pass through.


The next stage of sleep is recognized

By high-voltage slow EEG-type waves.

When sleep deprived, don’t be surprised

The next night slow wave sleep you crave.


Then I pass into REM sleep and it seems

It’s full of vivid and erotic dreams,

Though frankly I don’t understand what they mean.

And maybe I don’t need to know.

My blood pressure and pulse rate are high,

And there’s lots of twitching in both of my eyes.

This lasts for an hour or more while I lie.

Then back to slow wave sleep I go.


So when insomnia troubles your night,

Remember this song and you will sleep tight

Until you awake with the morning’s light.

Let nothing disturb your slumber.

Stage I, Stage II, and sleep that’s slow wave

Progress to the REM sleep that you crave.

It’s what you need your sanity to save

And leave your days unencumbered.






1 Copyright © 1999 by Jeffrey Moran

2 Copyright © 1998 by Jeffrey Moran

3 Copyright © 1994 by Jeffrey Moran


4 Copyright © 2000 by Jeffrey Moran

5 Copyright © 1994 by Jeffrey Moran

6 Copyright © 1995 by Jeffrey Moran

7 Copyright © 1998 by Jeffrey Moran

8 Copyright © 1998 by Jeffrey Moran

9 Copyright © 1999 by Jeffrey Moran

10 Copyright © 1998 by Jeffrey Moran

11 Copyright © 1993 by Jeffrey Moran

12 Copyright © 1993 by Jeffrey Moran

13 Copyright © 1993 by Jeffrey Moran





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