What has a face and cannot talk, but it tells? A Clock.
The more it dries the wetter it gets, what is it? A Towel.
What runs and runs but has no feet? Water. What do you lose when you win a race? Your breath.
I went on holiday to the RED sea, and I wanted to go swimming in the RED sea, so I put on my BLUE swimming trunks and my YELLOW swimming cap and went down to the RED sea. And when I got there my YELLOW swimming cap fell INTO the RED sea. WHAT was my cap then? Wet. David Beckham (or whoever you wish to tease a bit) has a favourite colour and it is PINK. He loves it so much that the house he lives in is ALL PINK. He lives in a bungalow. And all the carpets are pink and the walls are pink and the doors are pink and the windows are pink and the furniture’s pink and the fridge and sink and cooker are pink and the loo and bathtub are pink. What colour are the stairs in his bungalow? There are no stairs in a bungalow.
When you run you cannot catch it, you can hold it but not with your hands, what is it? Your breath.
What weighs nothing but sinks ships? Your breath.
Go in one hole, come out three holes, when you’re inside you’re ready to go outside. What is it? A jumper or t-shirt.
It’s not big, it’s very small, it doesn’t cost much at all, every one uses it. When used, you put it in a corner and it sticks to that corner and never moves from that corner. Yet it travels across the world. What is it? A postage stamp.
What begins with ‘e’ and ends with ‘e’ and only has one letter in it? An envelope.
What can a blind man see, that a deaf man can hear, but if the eat it they die? Nothing.
A blind man can see it, a deaf man can hear it, a rich man needs it, a poor man already has it, it’s greater than God and worse than the devil, dead people eat it, but if we eat it we die. What is it? Nothing.
The one who made it never used it. The one who paid for it never kept it. And the one who used it never saw it, what is it? A coffin. A farm had four haystacks in one corner of a field, and two haystacks in another corner of a field, and he put them altogether in the middle of the field. How many haystacks did he have in the middle, then? One big haystack Twenty sheep were in a field, when one went out of the gate. How many sheep were left in the field? None. If one goes out they all go out. There was a beautiful garden, with flowers and trees and fruits and berries and nuts. But there were seven big ugly birds in one tree. The old woman who took care of the garden said, ‘Those nasty old birds will eat all the nuts and berries and fruits and ruin the garden!’ So the nice old woman got a great big shot gun and BANG shot one bird dead. How many birds were left in the tree? None—when the gun was shot the bang scared all the rest away. Forty sheep went through a gap in the hedge, forty more sheep after that, then a dog went through the gap in the hedge, then a man went through the gap in the hedge. How many feet was that? Two—only the man had feet.
An old woman was very poor and only had potatoes to eat. She had 17 potatoes. Her grandchildren came to visit, and she wanted to feed them, so she gave them all the potatoes. She didn’t eat any. She wanted to be fair and give all the children the same amount of potatoes. But she had 7 grandchildren. How did she fix 17 potatoes so that she could divide them evenly 7 ways? She made mashed potatoes.
(Put your thumb and finger together to make a circle). Now...can you poke your head through that circle without breaking the circle? Solution: put ‘circle’ of finger and thumb against your head and put a finger through the circle to poke your head.
Footballers have to be very very fit, and eat the right things. What are two things that footballers can never ever eat before breakfast? Lunch and Dinner....or Dinner and Tea. Mary’s father has 4 children; three are named Nana, Nene, and Nini. So what is the 4th child’s name? Mary.
What three numbers have the same answer when added together and multiplied together?
1, 2 and 3. What walks all day on its head? A nail in a horsehoe. What has a bottom at the top? Your legs. The more of them you take, the more you leave behind. What are they? Footsteps. Poke your fingers in my eyes and I will open wide my jaws. Cloth, card, or paper, I am greedy and devour them all. Who am I? A pair of scissors. It stands on one leg with its heart in its head. What is it? A cabbage. What's full of holes but still holds water? A sponge. What has four fingers and one thumb, but is not alive? A glove. How many letters are in the alphabet? Eleven. (in ‘the alphabet’) While walking across a bridge I saw a boat full of people. Yet on the boat there wasn't a single person. Why? Everyone on the boat was married. What is half of 2+2? Three (Half of two is one, plus two equals three)
How many seconds are there in a year? Twelve (January 2nd, February 2nd...)
What word looks the same upside down and backwards? SWIMS. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly. What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? A chair, a bed and a toothbrush.
A horse is tied to a 20 foot long rope. The horse wants to get some water that is 30 feet away. The horse gets the water easily. How is this? The other end of the rope isn’t tied to anything.
What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles (there’s a mile between the first and last letters) What happened in the middle of the 20th Century that will not happen again for 4,000 years? A year like the year 1961, which reads the same even when upside down; this won’t happen again until 6009. What grows up while growing down? A goose. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up? An umbrella. In what year did Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall in the same year? It happens every year. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? She lives in the southern hemisphere. What is it that when you take away the whole, you still have some left over? The word WHOLESOME. Long and thin, covered in skin, pink in parts, and put in tarts. Rhubarb! A wizard had seven daughters. Every daughter had a brother. How many children did the wizard have in all? Eight. It’s a fruit, but sold as a vegetable. It’s hot, but it sounds cold. What is it? Chilli.
What is as big as a horse but weighs nothing? The horse’s shadow What can you catch but not throw? A cold What runs but has no legs? A nose