Rufus Wainwright

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There's no life without humour. It can make the wonderful moments of life truly glorious, and it can make tragic moments bearable.

Rufus Wainwright





Here are more than 650 jokes, stories, life incidents, moral lessons etc (refer also part 1 and 2). You can use these jokes, stories etc in various ways like:


For publication in your news magazines, parish bulletins, social media or other publications. (simply copy and paste)

Can be used for sermons, speeches, compering the events etc.

Can be used for storytelling. jokes contests for children/youth or others (website details may be given in advance so that contestants can come prepared)

Can be used as lighter moments during picnics, parties etc

Just to relax during your free time.

Fr Felix Rebello



Compiled from various sources

Contd from part 3



409] A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office”? “I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill”. The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

410] Once a preacher was preaching on the theme: I am coming - The final coming of Christ. The church was full and some people were even seated right in front of the pulpit. Unfortunately, at times the priest suffered from memory loss. At one point, he spoke in the person of Christ: “I am coming!” but just then his memory failed him. He couldn’t proceed. He repeated, “I am coming! But still no success. To hide his embarrassment, he hit the railing of the pulpit and shouted once again “I am coming!”. to the horror of al, the railing gave way, and he landed in the lap of a lady sitting below. As the priest apologized to her, she excused him saying: Father, it is not at all your fault. I should have been more careful. In fact you said three times ‘I am coming’.

411] A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode our stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or probably will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "The Wedding cake."
412] A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that "JONAH" was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if JONAH went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
413] A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old. After explaining the commandment to "HONOR" thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
414] An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

415] A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

416] The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or, 'that's Michael. He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
417] A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty

418] Paul: I am late, teacher, I overslept.

Teacher: what? You mean to say you sleep at home also?
419] Teacher (to parent): Rahul is naughty and deserve punishment.

Parent: Please do not punish Rahul, he is very sensitive. Just slap the boy next to him-he will get the message.

420] On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

421] The Lord got so tired of a certain man's prayers that He appeared to him one day and said: "I have decided to give you any three things you ask for. After that I won't give you anything else." Happily the man made his first petition at once. He asked that his wife should die so that he could marry a younger woman. His petition was granted. But when his friends gathered for the funeral, they began to recall all the good qualities of his wife, and the man realized that he had made a terrible mistake. So he asked the Lord to bring her back to life. He did that left the man with only one petition left. He was determined not to make a mistake this time, because he would have not chance to correct it. He consulted wisely. Some of his friends told him to ask for immortality. But others said: "What good is immortality if you don't have good health? And of what use is good health, if you have no money? And of what use is money, if you have no friends?" Years passed, and he could not make up his mind what he should ask for: life or health or power or love. Finally, he said to the Lord: "Please advise me what to ask for." The Lord laughed and said: "Ask to be contented no matter what life brings you."

422] A policeman stopped the parish priest who was riding through the town at night on a bicycle without light. “I’m sorry. Father, but the fine is Rs 5/- said the policeman. “But, my son,” protested the priest, “nothing can happen to me, for the Lord is travelling with me”. “What, exclaimed the policeman, “two people on the same bicycle? Then, Rs. 10/-, please”.

423] The parish priest always preached very long and very loud. Nobody had the courage to confront him except the big-mouth of the town. She goes to him to complain: “Father, you preach so loud, I don’t see why I should come to the church at all! I can hear you even from my house!” The priest replied, “Of course, you can do it and hear my sermon thus. And when it comes to Communion, you can also receive it staying in your house – you’ve got a such a long tongue!”

424] Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have colour TVs?" "Sure." "Give me a green one, please."

425] Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" "Just a sec," says the rep. "Thank you." says the Sardar and hangs up.
426] Sardarji is filling up a job application. He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED. After much thought he writes: Yes.
427] Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes, if you bring me a pair of crocodile

boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs, angrily exclaims: "71st and *again* barefoot!"


428] Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask." The Sardar asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The Sardar says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos. His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?" He said, "It's a Thermos flask." The boss asks, "What does it do?" He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
429] What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies? He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
430] What does Sardarji do when he has one white sheet and wants an extra sheet? He makes a photocopy of the white sheet.

431]There was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave... "No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then we would become a State of USA and develop automatically." All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd was not. Someone! asked him why he wasn't happy. The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL... WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"

432] Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied. "Damn, he recognised me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied. !
433] Why did 18 Sardars ! go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed.
434] How do you measure Sardarji's intelligence? Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
435] What do you do when Sardarji throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
436] What do you do when Sardarji throws a pin at you? Run like crazy...he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
437] How do you make Sardarji laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
438] What was Sardarji doing when he held his hands tightly over his ears? He was trying to hold on to a thought.
439] Why does Sardarji work seven days a week? So you don't have to retrain him on Monday.
440] Why can't Sardarji make ice cubes? He always forget the recipe.
441] How did Sardarji try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff.
442] What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

443] What do you see when you look into Sardarji's eyes? The back of his head.

444] What do you call a Sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh. (Silent t)
445] What do you call a Sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh. (Silent t)
446] Why does Sardarji always smile when a lightning blazes? He thinks his picture is being shot.
447] Why does Sardarji have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
448] How can you tell when Sardarji sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
449] Why can't Sardarji dial! 911? He can't find the 11 on the dial.
450] How do you get Sardarji on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.
451] "Oh, look at the dead bird." Sardarji looked skyward and asked, "Where, Where?
452] What do smart Sardars and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them.
453] Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman than a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
454] The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kms a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kgs. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home."
455] Sardars Hari Singh and Gan Singh are at a railway station. Hari asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?" "No," answers the clerk. "Can I?" asks Gani.

456] Sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park. When the Dinosaurs start approaching he cowers in his seat. His friend asks him,"Kyun Sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyun lag raha hai? Cinema hi to hai." Sardarji replies, "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai,pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin woh to janwar hai, usko kya pata."

457] Having lost his donkey Sardarji, got down to his knees and thanked God. A passerby saw this and asked, "Your donkey is missing. What are you thanking God for?" Sardarji replied, "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
458] Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills the birth certificate. "Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese." "How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?" " Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it said every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."
459] Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and Sardarji were sent to the outer space. The ground control issues commands, "Rubi!" "Woof!" (barking sound ) "Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!" "Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!" "Sardarji!" "Woof." "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
460] Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along t! he same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

461] Santa and Banta Singhs landed up in Bombay and got into a doubledecker. Santa somehow managed to get a bottom seat in the bus. Unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. When the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to look up Banta, found Banta in badly scared, clutching the seats in front with both hands. Santa asked, "Arre Banta! What's going on? Why so scared? I was enjoying my ride down there? Scared Banta replied, "Yeah, but you've got a *driver*."

462] Santa with two red ears went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears. "I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang. Instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But...what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called again."
463] A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. Tell me,' said the passerby, 'What on earth are you doing? ' Well,' said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig the hole, Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole. Today Balwant is off ill, but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off, does it?
464] Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocerry shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago. "Where is my free gift?" he shouted at the shopkeeper. "But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely. "Don't fool me," replied Banta, "it is clearly written on the packet of the butter 'Cholesterol free'".
465] One day Santa Singh was home and he went to the kitchen, opened the Sugar bottle, peeped inside and closed it. His wife was seeing this. After some time Santa again went to the kitchen, opened the Sugar Bottle, peeped inside and closed it. His wife again saw this. Santa Singh again and again did the same thing. His wife was puzzled at why did he do something like this. So, she asked Santa, 'Why did you open the Sugar bottle, see inside and close it often?' Santa Singh replied, 'I am a Sugar Patient you know.... Our doctor advised me to check up the Sugar often'.

466] Sardarji: Nurse, I am very eager to know my blood group.

Nurse: B positive

Sardarji: please tell me soon ....

Nurse: B positive

Sardarji: Madam, I am being positive, but I also want to know the blood group.

467] A Sardarji bought a new car. Next day he is driving his car to office. On the way he was waiting for the Signal. Suddenly he opened the door and got down. Then he went to the Traffic Police and asked him, 'How much should I pay to turn right?' The Policeman was astonished and asked, 'Why are you asking like this?' Then Sardarji showed him the sign board which was in the corner of the road: 'Free Left Turn'
468] Santa Singh sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing.

The bystander: A Marathon race is going on

Santa Singh: What do they get from that?

Bystander: The winner will get a prize.

Santa Singh: Then why are the others running?!
469] Santa Singh: I was born in the Punjab.

Banta Singh: Oh really, which part?

Santa Singh: All of me, silly.
470] Santa : What is ANOTHER difference between a MOSQUITO and a FLY?

Banta : A FLY can FLY but a MOSQUITO cannot MOSQUITO!


471] Santa : Tell me five FEROCIOUS animals you can think of..

Banta : 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.


472] Q: How can you recognize Santa Singh in a submarine?

A: He is the one with the parachute on his back.


473] Santa Singh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.

"Is this one one one one?", says the voice.

"No, this is eleven eleven."

"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"

"No, this is eleven eleven."

"Well, wrong number. I am Banta calling, sorry to have woken you up on

the middle of the night."

"That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."

474] Q: Why did the Santa Singh take a pair of binoculars with him to a

funeral?


A: It was a distant relative's funeral
475] There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the funeral are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baarat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?" Comes the reply, "Haan ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain* tumour se mara hai
476] A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God. "God? You there, God?" he asked. "Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered. "Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked. "Go ahead, my son, anything." "God, what is a million years to you?" God answered, "A million years to me is only a second." The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny." The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "Sure, give me a second."
477] An elderly woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. Though he looked weathered and feeble, he had a content smile on his face. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a happy life?" "Well, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said, waving a wrinkled hand through the air, with a smoldering cigarette between his thumb and finger. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing!" said the woman. "So, how old are you?"

478] A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and

started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first

husband."

479] Married life is very strange. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


480] A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and

threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over

too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a

while but then smiled "It really works!"

481] One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the

safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me!" "Pray for me!"

482] A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

483] A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

484] The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

485] Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in  church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

486] A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

487] A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.  The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,  "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

488] One man had been teaching his three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after him the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. He listened  with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

489] A COMPUTER USER’S PRAYER

Dear God, Help me log on without fretting,Guide me as I’m interneting, Bless my downloading and uploading,Keep my browser from exploding, May my website be protected, Let not my password be rejected, Keep my line connection clear, And let tech support be always near! Please keep all my programmes alive. And be sure to back up my hard drive! And protect my computer from Catching a virus, And end up crashing. Amen.
490] A little girl just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”
491] Eleven people were hanging on to a single rope suspended from a helicopter trying to take them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman. They decided that one person would have let go because if they didn’t, the rope would break and all of them would die. No one could decide who it should be. Finally, the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children. All the men started clapping.
492] Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because the white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life”, her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
493] After going through the story of the Prodigal Son, a Sunday school teacher asked the kids, “At the end of the story who is it that ended up in the worst situation?” One of the kids shot up her hands and answered, “The fatted cow”.

494] The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, “There’s Lavina, she’s a lawyer”, or “that’s Michael, he is a doctor.” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher”. She’s dead”.

495]


  1. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

  2. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

  3. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

  4. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

  5. The people who followed the Lord were called 12 decibels.

  6. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

  7. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

496] Albert Einstein once entered a restaurant and realising that he had forgotten his glasses, said to the waiter, “Please read the menu for me”.“I am sorry sir”, replied the waiter, “I cannot read. I am also an illiterate person like you”.


497] FUNNY BOOK TITLES
MY GOLDEN WEDDING by Annie Versary

A LOAD OF OLD RUBBISH by Stefan Nonsense

TAPE RECORDING FOR BEGINENRS by Cass Ette

MAKING THE MOST OF LIFE by Maxie Mumm

MAKING THE LEAST OF LIFE by Minnie Mumm

WHEN SHALL WE MEET AGAIN by Miles Apart

THE ARCTIC OCEAN by I.C. Waters
498] COMPUTER FUNNIES


  1. What is a computer’s first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

  2. What is an astronaut’s favourite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar

  3. What happened when computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk

  4. Why was there a bug on the computer? It was looking for a bite to eat.

499] Pupil (on phone): “My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today”.

School Secretary: “Who is this”?

Pupil: “This is my father speaking!”

500] Tamil Jokes:

Whats the opposite of Gopalakrishnan? Comepalakrishnan.
What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy ? Subramanium Didn't See Me.
How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu? Ready....Steady.....PO
What do you call a really colourful Tamilian? Rangamannar Rangarajan.
What is the Tamil name for the tallest building in Japan? Nikkumo Nikkado (Will it or wont it stand?)
What is the difference between Kunikudi Vaidyanathan & Gandhiji? One is a violanist, the other is a non-violanist!

501] Malayalee Jokes:


What do you call an amazing Malayalee? Pheno Menon.
What do you call a dashing Malayalee? Debo Nair.
What do you call a Malayalee drunkard? Kutty Sark.
Why did the Malayalee cross the road? To join the trade union on the other side.

502] Sindhi Jokes:


Why are a Sindhis nostrils big? Because air is free.
What do you call a god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani.
A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani.
A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja.
A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani.
A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja.
A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani.
A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani.
A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani.
A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rin-dani.
A Sindhi postman? Mailwani.
A communist Sindhi? Karl Lal-wani.
A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani or Primlani.
A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani.
A forgetful Sindhi? Bhulo Bhulchandani.
A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani
A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani.
A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani.
A Sindhi fly? Makhija.
A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thad-ani.
A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani.

A Sindhi who falls from the 25th floor? Mar-jani.

503] Maharashtrian Jokes:


What is a gay Maharashtrian called? Deccan Queen
What do you call a Maharashtrian tailor? Sadashiv.
Which Maharashtrians wrote the book 'Apartheid in South Africa?' Dhaval Gore and Krishnakant Kale.
What did Bruce Lee say to the Maharashtrian? Tumhi Marathe, Aamhi Karate.

504] Gujju Jokes:


Why did the Gujjus think the man who acted as Gandhi in the film was a woman?
Because his name was 'Ben' Kingsley.
Why does the Gujju go to London? To see his Big Ben.
Why did the visitor to the Gujju home run away when he was offered
tea? Because the Gujju said he would serve snakes with it.
What is a Gujju picnic called? A snake in the grass.
Why did the Gujju wear a Tuxedo to his vasectomy? If he was going to be impotent, he wanted to look impotent.
Why did the American get scared of the Gujju? Because he said 'Sue kare chhe.'
What did the Gujju mean when he said," Maro dikro STATES ma gayon?" His son failed in statistics. Maro dikro Dubai gayo? My son drowned.
Which programs do gujjus couples love to watch on tv? Be-watch (Baywatch, Be in gujju is 2)
What do you call a knee less gujju ? Nilesh (Pronounced Nee-Less)

505] Bengali Jokes:


An angry Bengali letter? Chitti-chitti Bong Bong.
A talkative Bengali? Bulbul Chatterjee.
An outlawed Bengali? Kanoon Banerjee.
An enlightened Bengali? Jyoti Basu.
Bengali who works? A work of fiction.
A stupid Bengali girl? Balika Buddhu.
A Bengali marriage? Bedding.
A Bengali voyeur? Keyhollo.
A mad Bengali? In Sen.
A dark Bengali who lives in a cave? Kalidas Guha.
A Bengali mobster? Robin Ganguli.
A perfumed Bengali? Chandan Dass.
A Bengali goldsmith? Shonar Bongla.

What is bigger than the state of Bengal? The Bay of Bengal

What's bigger than the Bay of Bengal? The Bengali Ego
When does a Bengali sound like a dog? When he says Bow(wow). Also when he bharks(works).
Why was the Bengali fired from being salesman at Raymond's retail store? Everytime someone asked him what the material was, he replied "Terrybool".

506] This is a true incident which happened in a college in Bihar. A new lecturer (also a Bihari Professor) was unable to control the class. The guys were just talking without giving any attention to him. So he wanted to send out a guy who was creating most of the problem, out. But he didn't know how to put it in English. He went near the guy. Shouted "follow me". The guy followed him till he went out of the class. Now the lecturer turned back and again shouted "Don't follow me" and went inside the class..........


507] There was a fire one night at a convent, and several retired nuns who lived

on the fourth floor were trapped up there.  They were praying for the Lord to show them a way out of the fire when one of the sisters screamed, "We need to take off our robes, tie them together and climb down to safety." Later, as they were recounting their narrow escape to reporters, they were asked if they had been afraid that the crude rope might break. "Oh, no," they said.  "You see, old habits are hard to break!"

507] A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table.  "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat.   Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm." "That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter.  "It might be quite difficult to prepare." The guest replied, "Oh?  But that's what I got yesterday!!"


508] Little Johnny came home from his first day of school and said, "Mommy, the
teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and sisters who will be
coming to my school." "That's nice of her to take such an interest in your family, Dear.
What did she say when you told her that you are the only child?" She just said, "Thank goodness”
509] A man went to the second wedding of his friend, but refused to go when he was again invited to the man’s third wedding. His wife angrily enquired as to why he didn’t want to go. The man replied, “I have already gone to his wedding twice. How can I go to his third wedding, when I have not invited him of any more of mine?
510] Three year old Johny was lost in the market where he had gone with the mother. Both were searching for each other. Johny was calling for the mother. The mother hears the small voice of her son weeping and calling out: “Kvithaaa….Kavithaaa…”. She reaches him and embraces him. Then she said: “But how strange, why didn’t you call me “Mummy” and called my name”? Johny replied, still weeping, “There are so many mothers here and they were all looking at me when I called “mummy”!
511] The grandmother went for a haircut to a beautician and came back with a short haircut. Johnny was impressed by her look. “Grandma, you don’t look any more like an old woman.” “Thank you darling.” the grandma was obviously pleased. But the boy continued: “You now look like an old man”.

512] A priest visited a hospital to see an old sick lady. On leaving he said: “What shall I send you?” “I want some Ice-cream” the lady said. “O.K. I’ll send you 2 large packs of Ice-cream” the priest replied and went away. Right enough that evening a young man came with two large packs of Ice-cream to the lady in the hospital. “My, how nice of Fr Peter. I wonder how much he paid for it?” lady said. “Pay for it”? He didn’t pay for it. I went to him for confession and as a penance he said, “Take two large packs of Ice-cream to Room No. 400”!

513] A man died and was taken on a tour to hell and heaven. On entering hell he saw men and women enjoying themselves. In heaven he saw men and women having bread and cheese but doing work all day. So he opted for hell. When he was taken to hell he was put in a room where men and women were gnashing their teeth and crying with pain. “But you showed me happy men and women, when I was introduced to hell.” The devil said, “That was our advertisement department”.
514] John would not open his mouth to have his tooth removed. The dentist told his assistant, “Poke a pin in his bottom”. The assistant did that and when he opened his mouth to say ‘aahaaa’, the dentist took out the tooth. Dentist said “Now that didn’t hurt, did it?” “Not really. But I didn’t know that the root went that deep” John replied!
515] In a Catechism class, the teacher asked a student, “how many sacraments are there?” Students said, “Six”. “Didn’t I say, there are seven sacraments”, said the teacher. The student replied, “Yes, but Matrimony and Penance make one sacrament”.
516] A young woman went to a doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor”. “You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman. “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific”. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow that hurts”. Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too”. Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow even that hurts”. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger”.

517] “Help… the Titanic is going to be drowned…” Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God. Just then an Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship, “How far is land, from here?”. The Sardarji says, “Two miles..”. Italian replies, “Only two miles, then why are these fools making noise? I have got the experience of swimming even more”. Then the Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the surface to ask something again- “Just tell me which side is land two miles from here”? Sardarji says, “Downwards….”.

518] A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confessional I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business and taken illegal drugs. I was horrified. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people”. Just as the priest finished his talk, the local politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived”, said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first to go to him for confession”.

519] Men and women on earth die and go to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who dominated their women, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk." Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there is only one man. God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!" "Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"  

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
520] Dear Mr Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have brought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in the key board. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password******. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the ‘shutdown’ button.

3. There is a button ‘start’ but there is no ‘stop’ button. We request you to check this. 4. We find there is ‘Run’ in the menu. One of my friend clicked ‘run’ has ran up to Amristar! So, we request you to change that to ‘sit’, so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any ‘rescooter’ available in system? As I find only ‘recycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ‘find’, but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my ‘mouse’ from CAT. So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning ‘HEARTS’ (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money

9. My child learnt ‘Micrsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when u will provide that?


Santa Singh

521] A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you”. The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road, Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked, “Who are you?” I am your guardian angel, “the voice answered. “Oh, yeah?” the man asked “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

522] Once Laloo was coming out of the airport. As there was a huge rush, the security guard told Laloo “Wait Please” to which Laloo replied “85 Kg” and moved on.
523] A corrupt minster used to write NOT APPROVED on all the papers that were sent to him by his assistants. He always left a significant space between NOT and PRROVED. When the affected persons suitably greased his palms, he would recall the file and just add an E after NOT so that it become NOTE: APPROVED. This was the beginning of e Business in India.
524] Hangman said to the accused, “You’ll be hanged tomorrow at dawn. Any last wish?”. The accused answered, “I’d like mangoes”. Hangman told, “But there are still four months left for mango season”. “I’m not in a hurry. I can wait” came reply from the accused!
525] A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor “Can I help you?”. The man said, “I’ve come to install the phone”.

526] What would you do if your house catches fire while you watch your favourite TV programme? A fire broke out in the hutment area of Beijing, the Chinese capital, in the early morning, gutting the traditional cottages. When neighbours shouted ‘fire, fire’ a lady ran out of her house in her night clothes, grabbing her little baby. And do you know what her husband did? He was enjoying watching a football final! He just grabbed the TV, ran out of the house, searched for an electrical socket to plug in and continued watching the match! No fire on earth or in his house could disturb this soccer fan!

527] I was having trouble with my computer so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?” He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.” I didn’t want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that… in case I need to fix it again?” Harold grinned…. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?” “No,” I replied. “Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out”. So I wrote it down.. ID1OT. I used to like Harold.
528] Santa: In Hindi, jail is called ‘ havalat’ why?

Banta: Because, in jail, there are only two things to eat i.e. ‘hava’ (air) and ‘lat’ (beating).


529] QUESTION: Only once in life, even when we do a mistake people come and congratulate us. When?

Ans: On the day of wedding!


530] Question: How can I avoid mosquitoes biting me during my sleep?

Ans: Go to sleep after mosquitoes go to sleep.


531] Husband: why are you crying?

Wife: sad ending. One left out book was completed.

Husband: which book?

Wife: your bank pass book!


532] Santa: In the running race, who gets the prize?

Banta: Those who run first.

Santa: Then, why those who are behind also run?
533] Santa: If you eat these tablets, in 3 days you will look young.

Banta: if I die?

Santa: I will return your money.
534] In the past no one had the watch, but everyone had the time. But nowadays everyone has watch, but no one has time!

535] Santa: I have benefited a lot by getting married with you.

Wife: How?

Santa: I have got the punishment, in this life itself!

536] These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people

actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court

reporters -- who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were

actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - Don't miss any.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?

A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.


Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.


Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: By whose death was it terminated?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?


A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began he autopsy?



A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan


537] A friend was trying to influence his elderly mother to enjoy the money she had accumulated through frugal living. “Mother,” he said, “you have enough money to last you until you are hundred,” To which she quickly replied: “And then what will I do?”
538] NAKA MHAKA OSLO JOB!!!"

Aieech maka, faaliya tukka!


-------------------------------
And then there was our good ole Goan Gabru who met his friend Santan
at the tinto one evening..
"Arre, Gabru, Boro morre! Where u men, no sign so long... You were
trying for job no, at the Taj. What happened?"
"Arre, Santan... Kitem Sangonk... I no want such job!"
"Kiteak re? Kith zallem?"said Santan.
"I am good swimmer. I would be fantastic lifeguard for sure. I went for interview at the Taj.  Thinga ek Baill ani ek Dadhlo.. Borim english mattalim.. I good speaking english. They ask me 'Who I' I say - I am  Gabriel Joao Leitao from Fortavaddo Nerul. I want to be lifeguard. They say show your feet.. I showed my feet. Then mhaka sangttam show me your knees... I am thinking why for they want to see my Dhomppram but I showing them..."
"Then what?" said Santan.

"Then, Sheeh Saiba, Loz dissta sangonk! That lady she tell me 'Show me your testimonials'. Testi.. I no showing nobody my testi nothing!!!

Hanv Dhaon ghara ailo!!!

NAKA MHAKA OSLO JOB!!!"


539] A man approached a beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why” asked the lady. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere”.
540] Three friends were standing on a railway platform and talking excitedly. Suddenly, the train started without the friends being aware of it. Realizing it very late, two of the friends were able to board the crowded train with the third one left behind on the platform, dumbstruck. Making light of the incident, he started laughing aloud. A person besides him asked as to why he was doing so. “Something unique happened. Friends who had come to see me off at the station climbed the train and I am left behind!”

541] After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth. Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English. Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving berth to my child."   Relax!!

                         

542] One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing" Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy Came and asked the same Question. Sardar answered "No No Me Banta Singh" Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him "Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing" Our Sardar slapped him on his face and said, "Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai

543] Mr Banta Singh is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific. Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time. Banta 'Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who U are? I can't compete with a world champion' Gary: 'How about if I play left handed?' Banta: [Think.. Think..] 'OK!' Banta is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Santa Singh. Banta: Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me in spite of him playing left-handed..... Santa: Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!! 

544] Friend: What are you looking at?

Beppo Singh: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Beppo Singh: four asterisks!  
545] Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Beppo Singh: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Beppo Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
546] Beppo Singh: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Beppo Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!! 
547] Lotta Singh: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Beppo Singh: That’s alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

548] A Sardarji, stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"


"Yes, sir?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"


"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

549] Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says" it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'."

550] Then there were two sardars, Zail singh & Jarnail singh. Both of them bought a horse each. "How will we know which is your & which is mine?" asked Zail. "Easy" replied Jarnail. "I'll cut mine's tail yours will be the one with tail". This was heard by a few boys, they cut the other's tail too. Next morning the confusion continued. "Don't worry "retorted Jarnail."I'll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one without the bell." The boys heard this also & cut the bell. The next day, Zail got frustrated & said

"Okay now the last criterion, white will be yours & black will be mine."

551] Santa Singh was traveling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidentally, the photograph fell down from his pocket. When Santa tried to pick it up the photograph slipped under a woman's saree. He asked her "Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph"

The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.

He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him, in a worse condition. Banta explained what happened to him He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied" I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".

He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied," I have 3 grown up daughters. Sorry,I can't allow you to stay".

He went to the next house and asked:" Do you have "grown up" Daughters?".

The Owner asked," WHY?????????" Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night....."

552] Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father." Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?" "No son, that's because you are intelligent. "

Bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??" "No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.

Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father, "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??" The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."

553] One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks.

The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the driver was caught. He was found to be a Sardar. He was questioned. He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc. Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overran that person. Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.


554] One of the world’s greatest scientists was also recognised as the original absent-minded professor. One day, while traveling on the train, the TC asked his ticket and he was unable to find it. The conductor said, “Take it easy. You’ll find it”. When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn’t find the ticket. The conductor recognising the famous scientist said, “I’m sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it”. “You’re very kind”, he said, “but I must find it, otherwise I won’t know where to get off”.
555] The university professor and his wife were leaving church.

Professor: H, ha! Who’s absent-minded now? You forgot your umbrella and left it in the church, but I remembered mine and I picked up yours also.

Wife: Fine, but the trouble is, neither you nor I brought an umbrella to church today!

556] Santa: I have swallowed a key.


Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.

557] Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!

Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .

558] Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?


Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..

559] A lady calls Santa for repairing the door bell.


Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

560] Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?


Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.

561] Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home. The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen. After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back seat.

562] BEFORE THE MARRIAGE:

He: Yes, at last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don’t even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!


She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I’m not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes
After marriage: You can read it from



The bottom, up words!!!

563] The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. "Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

564] Sardar wanted to make a STD call to Punjab. He wanted to save money so what did he do? Simple, he went to Punjab and made a local call.
565] 2 sardars were fighting after exam. Someone asked “Sir why are you fighting”?

Sardar 1: This fool left the answer sheet blank. So what?

Sardar 2: Even I did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.
566] A sardar learning Englsih introduces his family in the party. “Hi! I am sardar and this is my sardarni. He is my kid and she is my kidney”!

567] There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch. He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant’s face appears. He asks her, “Mary, what time is it?” Mary answers instantly and with a smile. The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!! He asks, “What kind of a watch it that?” “It’s like a TV with two-way real-time communication.” The gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel’s brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz. The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away. The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, “Sir, you forgot your suitcases.” The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, “No, they are YOURS now. They are the modems you always need to carry for your new watch!”

568] Once, there was a General who wanted to cross a river. He was unsure of the depth of the river, and whether his horse could make it across the river. He looked around for help and saw a little boy nearby. He asked the boy for advice. The boy looked at the size of the General's horse and paused for a moment. He then confidently told the General that it is safe for the General and his horse to cross the river. The General proceeded to cross the river on his horse. As he approached the middle of the river, he suddenly realized that the river was, in fact, very deep, and he almost drowned. After he recovered from his shock he shouted at the boy and threatened to punish him. The boy was stunned and innocently replied, "But General, I see my ducks crossing the river everyday without any problem, and my ducks have shorter legs than your horse".

569] A teacher decided to let her class play a game. She told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes. Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates. So the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates. So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had two potatoes; some three while some upto five potatoes. The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for one week. Days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having five potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After one week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended. The teacher asked:

"How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for one week?" The children let out their frustrations and started  complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they went.



The teacher then said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just one week, can you imagine what it is like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for lifetime???"

570] A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

571] A newly arrived soul in Heaven was met by St. Peter. The saint toured the soul around Heaven. Both of them walked side by side inside a large workroom filled with angels. St. Peter stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all the petitions to God said in prayer are received". The soul looked at the section, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets from all the people of the world. They walked again until they reached the 2nd section, and St. Peter told the soul, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are packed and delivered to the persons who asked for “The soul saw how busy it was. There were so many angels working in that room, since so many blessing were being packed and delivered to Earth. Finally at the farthest corner of the room, the soul stopped at the last section. To the surprise of the soul, only one angel stayed there idly, doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledging Section," St. Peter told the soul. "How is it that, there is no work here?" "That's the sad thing," St. Peter answered. "After the people received the blessings they asked for, very few send their acknowledgments". "How does one acknowledge God's blessing?" "Simple” St. Peter answered. "Just say, "'Thank you, Lord'."

572] Once there were 3 trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams. The first tree said, "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty."  Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take kings and queens across the waters & sail to the corners of the world.  Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull." Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how  close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me."   After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees.  When one came to the first tree he said,” This looks like a strong tree I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter" ..... and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest. At the second tree a woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree, I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship. When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from  my tree so I'll take this one," and he cut it down." When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn & filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for. The second tree was cut & made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship &   carrying kings had come to an end. The third tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark. The years went by, & the trees forgot about their dreams. Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree.  The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manager would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time. Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and he stood and said "Peace" & the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat. Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked  the  man  who  was carrying it.  When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in  the air to die at the top of a hill. When  Sunday  came,  the tree came  to realize that it was strong enough to  stand at the top of the

hill    and be as close to God as was possible, because  Jesus had been crucified on it.   Now: The Moral of this Story?  The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, He will give you great gifts.
573] A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba)

arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha, I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese, 10

packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons.

Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her. The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my

nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.

Love Smita.

PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days.

574] One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay for his hungry stomach, decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. On the way to school, he found he had only one thin dime left and he was very hungry. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young women, opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. The woman thought he looked hungry, so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, “How much do I owe you?” “You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us, never to accept pay for a kindness.” He said, “Then I thank you from my heart.”

Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall to the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case. After a long struggle, the battle was won.

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. The woman feared opening it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words… “Paid in full with one glass of Milk.” … signed by Dr. Howard Kelly. Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: “Thank You, God, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands”.
575] These are ads taken from Shaadi.com - Guys searching for brides... These are actual ads. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!



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