Section 1: bmw-specific & General Automotive News, Oddball Trivia, Jokes, Memes, & Cartoons

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BMW TV Guide

January 14-31, 2018

Section 1:

BMW-specific &

General Automotive News,

Oddball Trivia, Jokes,

Memes, & Cartoons:

BMW Group remains world’s #1 premium automotive company: BMW Group achieved its best-ever annual sales in 2017, the 7th consecutive year it has achieved a new annual record. This success was spread throughout the company with both BMW & MINI brands achieving new all-time high figures. BMW M & BMW i also achieved record sales, as did BMW Motorrad. With this sales result, BMW Group reconfirms its position as the world’s leading premium automotive company. The company’s core BMW brand achieved a new all-time sales high, growing sales by 4.2% across the year, to total 2,088,283. BMW X vehicles continued to be significant growth drivers with sales of X vehicles up 9.6% compared to the previous year, despite limited availability of the BMW X3 due to the introduction of the new generation in November. The BMW 5 Series limousine, which underwent a model change during 2017, achieved growth of 55.2% (30,359) in December, with sales of the world’s leading premium business sedan up 6.3% (291,856) in the full year. Other models which contributed to the brand’s growth in 2017 include the BMW 1 Series (201,968 / +14.7%), & the BMW 7 Series (64,311 / +4.5%). ‘We are delighted with these new record sales figures, which mean BMW Group, with its 3 premium automotive brands BMW, MINI, & Rolls-Royce, remains the world’s leading premium automotive company,’ commented Ian Robertson, until 31 December 2017 BMW AG board member responsible for Sales and Brand BMW. ‘We have continued to increase sales despite headwinds in some major markets & model-changeovers of several of our most significant vehicles. This demonstrates the high desirability of our brands & products, ranging from the i3 to the M5* & from the BMW 1 Series to the BMW 7 Series. We clearly achieved our target of selling over 100,000 electrified vehicles in a single calendar year & are delighted that, following its model changeover, the BMW 5 Series returned to its position as segment leader in the final months of 2017,’ Robertson continued. (*: BMW M5: fuel consumption combined:10,5l/100 km; CO2 emissions combined: 241 g/km. Fuel consumption & CO2 figures were calculated as per the EU test cycle & may vary depending on the tire format). Pieter Nota, who on 1 January 2018 succeeded Robertson on the board of BMW AG, added, ‘I am confident BMW sales will continue to grow during 2018, while we also maintain our focus on profitability. Increased availability of BMW X models & our ongoing model offensive, which includes the launches of brand new models this year such as the BMW X2 & the BMW 8 Series, will ensure we bring even more customers to the BMW brand in 2018.’ Target exceeded: over 100,000 electrified vehicles sold in 2017. BMW Group’s leading role in premium electro-mobility confirmed In December, BMW Group celebrated delivery of the 100,000th electrified vehicle sold in 2017. In total, 103,080 electrified vehicles were delivered to customers during the year; this increase of 65.6% underscores the company’s leading position in electro-mobility. The BMW Group sold more electrified vehicles in Europe than any other premium manufacturer in 2017 & the company’s position on the world market is also extremely strong. 4 years after its launch, sales of the BMW i3 grew in 2017 by 23.3% to total 31,482 worldwide. The plug-in hybrid BMW iPerformance vehicles also continue to grow in popularity, with sales almost doubling to total 63,605. Launched in June 2017, the MINI Countryman plug-in hybrid also made a significant contribution to boosting BMW Group’s electrified sales, with a total of 5,799 delivered to customers around the world. BMW Group is expecting strong double-digit growth in electrified vehicle sales in 2018. By the end of 2019, the company aims to have at least half a million electrified BMW Group vehicles on the road. BMW’s high-performance BMW M vehicles achieved record sales in 2017. Deliveries of BMW M & BMW M Performance vehicles increased by 19.1% compared to the previous year, with overall sales topping 80,000 for the first time ever. In its 1st full year on the market, the BMW M2 (fuel consumption combined: 8.5-7.9 l/100 km; CO2 emissions combined: 199-185 g/km. Fuel consumption and CO2 figures were calculated as per the EU test cycle & may vary depending on the tire format.) was the strongest growth driver, with total sales of 12,293. The BMW M Performance variants of the new BMW 5 Series also contributed strongly to the increase in sales. With the launch of the new BMW M5 in in the spring, BMW M’s powerful success story looks set to continue in 2018. The MINI brand overall achieved a new sales record in 2017 with 371,881 vehicles delivered to customers around the world, an increase of 3.2% on the previous year. The new MINI Countryman saw a jump in sales of 30.0% (84,441). Another significant contributor to the brand’s sales success was the MINI Convertible, which grew sales 12.0% (33,317). ‘We are delighted that with our new brand strategy, we have achieved a new sales record. The focus of the MINI portfolio on fewer but more characterful models was completed with the launch of the new MINI Countryman last year,’ stated Peter Schwarzenbauer, Member of the BMW AG Board of Management responsible for MINI, Rolls-Royce, BMW Motorrad. ‘The Countryman contributed significantly to MINI’s growth in 2017 & the 1st MINI plug-in hybrid also achieved excellent results. I am sure that this success will continue into 2018, with the launch from March of the new MINI 3 & 5 door, as well as the MINI Convertible, supporting the brand’s further growth,’ he continued. Rolls-Royce: The Goodwood-based luxury house delivered 3,362 units (-16.2%) to customers in almost 50 countries during 2017. This result was achieved despite the absence of Phantom from the market due to model-changeover & against a backdrop of unsettled market conditions in the important Middle East market. New Phantom was unveiled in July to unprecedented worldwide acclaim by media & prospective customers alike & has a strong order book. 1st customer Phantoms are due to be delivered in January 2018. BMW Motorrad achieved a 7th consecutive record year, with more motorcycles & maxi-scooters delivered to customers than ever before. Sales across the range increased by 13.2% with a total of 164,153 units delivered worldwide - the ever- popular GS models were particularly strong growth drivers. A total of 14 new & updated models in the range, including additions to the R nineT family & the attractively priced G 310 R & G 310 GS also helped drive BMW Motorrad to its most successful sales year ever.” (January 12) [Note: If you have trouble opening this web site, paste the URL into your browser & hit ENTER or RETURN.]

Drugged Driver Manages To Crash Car Into Second Story Of Building: “Incredibly, nobody was killed in this bizarrely impressive wreck, so you can be grimly amazed without all the guilt. A driver, who admitted to being under the influence of drugs, managed to launch a Nissan Altima through the wall of a second-story dentists’ office in Santa Ana, CA. The wreck happened about 5:30 a.m., when the Altima, piloted by a driver who’d taken narcotics & was traveling quite fast, hit a raised central road-dividing median on French Street near the intersection of 17th Street. That impact with the median launched the car on its improbable parabolic flight, where it crashed through the upper wall of the two story building, & was left dangling, and soon, burning. There were 3 people in the car. The driver exited the car & was dangling out the side, hanging by the door, & was eventually caught by police. The driver & 2 passengers were taken to the hospital for their injuries, which have been described as both minor & major by various news sources. A crane was used to extract the car from the dental office, a large-scale version of the tooth extractions that happen there every day, perhaps the dentist mused. Don’t do drugs, kids. And if you do, sure as hell don’t drive into upper-story dental offices.” (Jason Torchinsky, January 15) See the video @
Fark headline: “Dog missing for 5 days is found alive in a snow bank. When asked how the ordeal was, the dog replied, ‘Rough.’”
Jalopnik headline: “American Racing Legend Dan Gurney Dies At 86.”

NewsMAX headline: “Supreme Court to Consider Internet Sales Tax Collection.”

Fark headline: “When you insist on mooning people in public, be prepared to be the butt of jokes.”
Fark headline: “Oh my God! See lions attacking swimmers in San Francisco Bay! Oh, sorry, I mean sea lions are attacking swimmers in San Francisco Bay. Wait, that’s not much better.”
Fark headline: “When robbing a store, it’s a lot easier to have a getaway car waiting, rather than having to go knocking on neighbors’ doors & asking for a ride while still wearing your masks.”
Fark headline: “When figuring out that you’ve had too much to drink & shouldn't be driving, it’s best to pull over & sleep it off. Just not at the Holland Tunnel blocking traffic.”
Fark headline: “Semi driver mashes truck loaded with potatoes under low-height bridge; driver knishes he hadn’t scone this way. Gnocchi, I’ll stop roasting now.”
Fark headline: “And the state with the highest poverty rate is....California.”
Fark headline: “Ivana Trump says ex-husband is not racist, merely confused. ‘And sometimes he says silly things’”

PennLive headline: “Pair sought for stealing credit card at Pa. Walmart, scurrying away on scooters.”
Autospies headline: “Vandals In Amsterdam Are Torching Tesla Vehicles.”
DRUDGE headline: “FLASHBACK: Jesse Jackson praises Trump for ‘lifetime of service’ to African Americans.”
DRUDGE headline: “Grocery Store Clerk Fired -- For Stopping Shoplifter.”
DRUDGE headline: “Thieves steal car from good Samaritan trying to save child.”
Fark headline: “‘10 workers dead after bridge unexpectedly collapses.’ So bridges are expected to collapse now?

Fark headline: “Crappy Denver to Hawaii flight forced to turn around in middle of the Pacific because the toilets were all full.”

Fark headline: “Well, Johnny, how was school today? OK, I guess. Tommy farted in homeroom, & we had pizza for lunch, then the cops came in & shot up the armed robber, so can you come & pick me up early?”
Fark headline: “Your body is throttled & contorts at such breakneck speed when you sneeze. I's kind of like having an orgasm while being in a car accident at the same time.”
Fark headline: “Baking relative supports family with rare form of diabetes. Boiling a relative considered not as effective.”
Fark headline: “Pro Tip: Don’t steal cars. But if you do steal a car & there is a dead guy in the front seat, either ditch the body or steal a different car before driving through a police checkpoint.”
Fark headline: “Alaska says their emergency system won’t issue false alarms like Hawaii, because by the time workers have manually typed in a warning, remembered the password, clicked multiple buttons, & typed a confirmation, the missiles will have already hit.”
NewsMAX headline: “Holding Your Sneeze Can Lead to Ruptured Throat, One Man Finds Out.”
DRUDGE headline: “STUDY: Worst-case ‘global warming’ scenarios NOT credible.”
Fark headline: “Pointing a BB-gun at someone while robbing a pizza joint in Texas goes as expected.”

“Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the store that installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them. Well, just because I’m a senior citizen doesn’t mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year – that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. It’s been a year, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he’s too embarrassed.” (Bill Kirby, January 9)

“Miners in Africa have found a massive 910 carat diamond worth tens of millions of dollars. The diamond will go to either a museum or to Beyoncé the next time Jay-Z cheats on her.” (Conan, January 16)
Anybody here drink water but wish you could pay more for it? Well, good news, folks, because the next big startup craze in Silicon Valley is companies offering consumers the chance to get ‘off the water grid’ with something called ‘raw water,’ which is water that is unfiltered, untreated, & unsterilized. Wow, drinking that sounds un-sane.” (Stephen Colbert, January 16)
“North Korea and South Korea are considering having a joint women’s ice hockey team for the Olympics. Of course, when a North Korean player enters the penalty box, they’re never seen again.” (Conan, January 15)

“I assume you know that an emergency alert went out on Saturday morning. This text is something received by everyone with a cellphone at 8:07 a.m. on Saturday: ‘Ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii. Seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill.’ And then they didn’t get a correction until 38 minutes later. So for 38 minutes people were seeking immediate shelter — which in Hawaii, what does that even mean? Everybody get under a Mai Tai umbrella? People were freaking out. Although not as much as they would be in any other state. But the fact that it took them 38 minutes to get around to telling people there wasn’t a ballistic missile on the way is very Hawaii. It’s about as Hawaii as it gets. I have to say, I was at a Walmart in Maui once. I stood in line for 43 minutes with 2 people in front of me. It got to the point where I was hoping a ballistic missile was on the way to put me out of my misery. They don’t have that level of anxiety that we do. You know, usually the Hawaii emergency broadcast system is reserved for messages like, ‘To the owner of a rusty Jeep with an “Aloha, B*tches” bumper sticker, your lights are on.’” (Jimmy Kimmel, January 15)

“I read that the worker who sent the alert has been reassigned. Yep, he’s now in charge of monitoring all active volcanoes.” (Jimmy Fallon, January 15)
“You’ll know President Trump eats a lot of junk food when the doctor puts his stethoscope to his chest & Trump’s heart whispers, ‘Help me!’” (Jimmy Fallon, January 11)
“Sen. Jeff Flake said today that President Trump’s proposed border wall doesn’t need to be a wall, but more of a fence. They’ll even settle for a net or a sternly worded sign, parking cones, &, if they still can’t afford it, just get some old guy who yells, ‘Get! Get outta here!’” (Seth Meyers, January 11)
“President Trump spent Martin Luther King Jr. Day at his golf club in Florida. And what better way to celebrate Martin Luther King than with the whitest thing you can do — golf at a private club that’s named after you. The only whiter thing he could have done would be to put on some cargo shorts & listen to NPR at Whole Foods.” (Seth Meyers, January 15)

This weekly publication normally hits the streets between noon Wednesday & noon Friday. It always starts with the previous Sunday’s shows so that you may see details of some programs that often do not release accurate details before broadcast dates. With multiple JPEG photos in News Briefs/Jokes & at least 1 image per page in the schedule, the Microsoft Word version exceeds 8 MB some weeks. Contact us @

Section 2: BMW TV Schedule:
* designates definite BMW connection

Except as noted, all listings are Eastern time zone & half-hour.

Sunday January 14

440-630am Steve McQueen: The Man & Le Mans on TMC Extra Production problems affect the filming of the movie Le Mans in 1970, a passion project for Hollywood icon & racing enthusiast Steve McQueen. 2015.
555-755am * Scream 3 on HBOZone & HBOZone HD blue BMW Z3; Liev Schreiber, Beth Toussaint, Roger L. Jackson, Kelly Rutherford, Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, David Arquette; 2000
657-832am * Hancock on
STZENBK & SZEBHD Jason Bateman drives 1971 BMW 2002 & Will Smith flips it over; also 1992 BMW 3 [E36]; also with Charlize Theron, Jae Head; 2008
7-845am Steve McQueen: The Man & Le Mans on
TMC & TMC HD Production problems affect the filming of the movie Le Mans in 1970, a passion project for Hollywood icon & racing enthusiast Steve McQueen. 2015.
8-10am * Joe Dirt on MTV & MTVHD blue BMW 2002; David Spade, Brittany Daniel, Dennis Miller; 2001

845-1025am * Taxi on ThrillMAX Bumbling cop Jimmy Fallon & car guy/cab driver Queen Latifah chase 4 female bank robbers (led by model Gisele Bundchen) driving BMW M3s (2003 E46) & 7-Series (2002 BMW 760Li E66).  Ann-Margaret stars as Fallon's mother.  Remake of 1998 French film with same name.  Writer: Luc Besson (La Femme Nikita).  Director: Tim Story (2004).

954-1141am * My Best Friend’s Wedding on STZENCL Cameron Diaz drives black BMW E36 325i convertible; Julia Roberts, Dermot Mulroney; 1997

10am-1235pm * Cars on FreeForm (ABCFam & FamHD) Mike is green cartoon BMW Isetta; Academy Award nominee 2006
1235-305am * Cars 2 on FreeForm (ABCFam & FamHD) The cartoon character Finn McMissile slightly resembles the classic 1957 BMW 507 (which served as the basis for the design of the BMW Z8 43 years later). Finn is described as “a master British spy” who sounds a lot like James Bond. He has “an arsenal of ultra-cool gadgets & weaponry, including ... a missile launcher.” Sounds a lot like the BMW Z8 driven by Bond in The World is Not Enough. The actor Michael Caine plays the part. Former BMW.WilliamsF1 Team driver Juan Pablo Montoya is the voice of another one of the cars. In the Latin American version, GRAND-AM Rolex Sports Car Series driver Memo Rojas Jr. (Chip Ganassi BMW/Riley #01) plays himself. 2011
130pm Cars.TV on MY12 A series saluting automobiles features interviews with the people who design, create, & collect amazing vehicles.

230pm * MotorWeek on VELOCITY/HD Theater Repeat of Dec 30 DirectTV PBS-XD episode: 2017 Volkswagen Golf Alltrack; Goss: Protect your Paint; Tire Tracks: '69 Camaro Z/28; Quick Spin/1st Impressions: 2018 BMW X3 & 2017 Jeep Renegade & 2017 Callaway SC757 Corvette Z06 Aerowagen;Alfa Romeo Stelvio.

250-435pm * Captain Ron on HBOComedy & HBOComedy HD 1987 BMW E30 325i Convertible; Kurt Russell, Martin Short, Mary Kay Place; 1992
330-6pm * Mr & Mrs Smith on AMC & AMCHD Assassins in 3 BMW E39 5-Series chase the Smiths. (Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn, Adam Brody, Kerry Washington, Director Doug Liman, 2005)

435-7pm * Vanilla Sky on ShoBeyond BMW 3-Series E30 (Tom Cruise, Penélope Cruz, Cameron Crowe, 2001)

5-8pm * Mission: Impossible III on IFC & IFC HD BMW E38 7-Series; Tom Cruise; Philip Seymour Hoffman; Ving Rhames; 2006

525-7pm * Bad Santa on Showtime & Showtime HD Billy Bob Thornton drives 1995 BMW E38 740iL. Also with Bernie Mac, John Ritter, 2003

530pm * Dakar Rally Highlights on NBC Sports Network New Daily highlights of the 2-week, 5600-mile 2018 Dakar Rally through Peru, Bolivia, & Argentina -- including 7 diesel-BMW-powered MINI vehicles -- including the brand-new RWD MINI John Cooper Works Buggy alongside the more traditional Countryman-based 4WD MINI John Cooper Works Rally

626-801pm * Hancock on STZENBK & SZEBHD Jason Bateman drives 1971 BMW 2002 & Will Smith flips it over; also 1992 BMW 3 [E36]; also with Charlize Theron, Jae Head; 2008
630-8pm * Beverly Hills Ninja on TMC Extra black 1996 BMW E36 328i Convertible & Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow II; Chris Farley, Nicolette Sheridan, Robin Shou, Chris Rock; 1997
7-10pm * A View to a Kill on TVOne James Bond movie includes Tibbet's chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce (Roger Moore, 1985)
745-10pm * The Fugitive on ActionMAX BMW E32 750iL; Harrison Ford; Tommy Lee Jones; Sela Ward; 1993
10pm-120am * Ronin on ActionMAX black BMW E32 735i, `85-`88 E28 5-Series, & black 1991 BMW 535i [E34] badged as an M5 (with a real E34 M5 in some scenes); described as 1 of the best movies for long European car chase scenes; Robert De Niro, Jean Reno, Natascha McElhone; 1998

1136pm-206am * Mr & Mrs Smith on AMC & AMCHD Assassins in 3 BMW E39 5-Series chase the Smiths. (Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn, Adam Brody, Kerry Washington, Director Doug Liman, 2005)

midnight * Dakar Rally Highlights on NBC Sports Network New Daily highlights of the 2-week, 5600-mile 2018 Dakar Rally through Peru, Bolivia, & Argentina -- including 7 diesel-BMW-powered MINI vehicles -- including the brand-new RWD MINI John Cooper Works Buggy alongside the more traditional Countryman-based 4WD MINI John Cooper Works Rally

midnight-230am * The Italian Job on Spike & Spike HD MINIs old & new as well as BMW 8-Series & BMW motorcycles, Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron, Edward Norton, Donald Sutherland, Seth Green, Noel Coward, Benny Hill, & Shawn Fanning (the real founder of Napster) as himself.  2003 remake of 1969 Michael Caine classic.

Monday January 15:


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