Hey. What's going on? This is Jon Sinn, and this is another edition Sinn's Inner Circle, where every month I bring you the latest and best dating content anywhere in the world.
So today I'm going to talk about a topic that is one of the most asked about things out there, and that is how to not run out of things to say. I feel like every time I do a live in-field workshop, or speak to a big group of guys, I get asked what do I say, how do I not run out of things to say when we do live in-field work and we like take guys to talk to girls and we work with them while they're doing it, a lot of guys leave interactions that are going really well, perfectly well, where the girls like them, because they run out of things to say. And I know that that's probably a big problem for a lot of people out there listening to this; so today I'm going to give you kind of some background on why people run out of things to say, and some strategies, including my four-step process to ensure that you'll never run out of things to say when you're talking to a woman, ever again.
So I'm very, very excited to get started with this and I want to start by talking about kind of what it feels like to run out of things to say when you're talking to a girl. So I want to just walk you through an experience that I've had. You read up on a lot of seduction material, you study your routines, you go out to a bar or a club, or the grocery store, wherever you want to go run game, and you see a girl and she's hot, and it's a perfect scenario to approach her and it just seems like it's going to be really easy, and you walk over and you start a conversation, maybe with an opener and one of the Opening 2.0 CD I did a while ago. You know, maybe with something else, and she responds really well, and she stops talking. Maybe she introduces herself and now there's a pause, and you're not sure what to do. Or, maybe you've been in this situation where you are talking to a girl, it's going really, really well but you stop talking to her because even though it's going well, it's been 10, 15 minutes, now you're not sure what to do next, what to say, and it starts to stall.
Or, maybe you're on a date, and everything went really well, or you got set up by a friend, or you met a girl online and for some reason you just can't find anything to connect on, and it's just hard for you to keep making conversation, even though she seems like a nice person. Or, maybe you've been talking to a girl, and you're just not getting anywhere with her, and she's giving you one-word responses, but you can tell she kind of interested, so you want to keep talking to her. All of these are scenarios that I, personally, have been in where not running out of things to say is a really, really valuable skill.
So if you've ever been in any of those situations, you know, you approach a girl and then it's going well and you're not sure what to say, you approach a girl, it's going badly and you're not sure how to keep the conversation going so that you can do the things to build attraction that maybe can win her over, you're doing well with a girl, and it just falls flat because you're not sure what to talk about next, or what to say. Or, you're on a date with a girl, and you're just like, fuck, how do I keep this conversation going, and talk about things that are interesting to her, as well as to me. So today I'm going to give you guys a rundown on everything about how to avoid all those situations, or turn those situations into positives.
So the first thing—is why do guys run out of things to say? Well there are a couple of different reasons. First, is the fact that when you approach a woman you're attracted to you get really, really, really nervous. So a lot of guys they, no routines, cold, they can tell you routines in their speech. I remember – it’s a funny story, a little bit mean, but when I took my boot camp in 2004 there was a guy there who we were talking about openers, and he was actually arguing with me about how to run an opener. He was like—no, this is how you do it, and he would run it, and we went out that night and there were a lot of girls who went to the Standard in L.A. and I opened a bunch of sets and ended up bouncing a girl to Mel's Diner and he didn’t talk to a single girl. So a lot of times the anxiety gets to you and you're too nervous to even think about talking to girls. Sometimes that means you need to get acclimated to your environment and get used to being in a bar, and if you haven’t been in a bar or club in like 10 years, then you might want to get re-acclimated, first before you even start approaching, but once you've gotten kind of used to approaching then you can still freeze up because you're nervous, especially if it's going well, or badly, or neutral. I mean, really, every reaction can make you more nervous, because if it's going really well, guys tend to freeze up because they're like—oh, shit, I don’t want to mess this up now that it's going really well. If it's going really badly, guys tend to freeze up because they want to give up and walk away. And if it's neutral, and guys are not sure what to do or say to make it go good, so that nervousness is the big, big factor in why guys most freak out, and we are going to talk a lot about relaxation when we get to my four-step method for never running out of things to say.
Another reason guys run out of things to say is because they're not really well versed in conversational structure and they don’t really know what they like to talk about, they're not really that well prepared. So those are the kinds of humane reasons. Now some guys try to compensate for this by using routines, and we'll talk about that in a few minutes.
I want to pinpoint a couple of major places where guys tend to run out of things to say, the number place where guys tend to run out of things to say is right after the opener. Generally when guys are using a new opener they're shocked that it worked, especially if they're using an opinion opener, or a direct opener, or something that they are not really used to talking to girls about, and engages in a conversation because what happens is, the girls are looking at you like you're supposed to know what to do afterwards, and this can be really nerve-wracking for some guys, right. So it's really important that you have a set way to transition after you start a conversation, that's one place where routines will come in handy, and again, we will talk about how routines come in to all this, but another place where guys tend to run out of things to say is in the attraction phase. If you tell one or two stories, or you have a couple of different routines, and nothing really seems to be sticking, then for a lot of guys that can be a really nerve-wracking process and they tend to kind of run out of their prepared material and then not know what to do after that and they tend to either shut up or leave, or ask interview questions. All of which are bad ways to deal with that.
So I want to take a second here and talk about what we know definitively doesn’t work. So if you do run out of things to say there are a couple of things that definitively, 100 percent do not help you get the girl you're talking to.
Number one is leaving. A lot of times guys leave, unless you're leaving specifically to do a takeaway or to build jealousy or to go to the bathroom, or something, or to go talk to another set of, if you're just leaving because it's not going well, that doesn’t help you. Leaving doesn’t help. You want to stay in the conversation until they give you a definitive sign that they're not interested. You know, maybe you try to isolate the girl, or move her or get her phone number, or qualify her and she definitively doesn’t do it, then you kind of know to move on, or until they're attracted. Generally you don’t do more than 10 minutes. if a girl has been talking to you for 10 minutes and she hasn’t shown any signs of attraction and you try to make one escalation, like isolation, moving her or getting her to qualify herself, and she doesn’t go for it, at that point you might as well give it up.
Now the exception is during the daytime, because if girls are going to talk to you for 10 minutes during the daytime, most of the time they're interested. And every now and then they are not, but most of the time.
The next thing that we know definitively doesn’t work is shutting up, not saying anything, especially if the girl isn’t talking. If the girl is talking a lot you can shut up, but if the girl is not really talking and you start a conversation and maybe you've talked about a couple of different things, and now it's not going so well, and you just shut up, that doesn’t work. And asking interview questions one after another and saying—nice, or cool. That doesn’t work either, so if you stay away from those three things. I'm not saying you can't ask questions, or talk about how to use questions later on, but if you stay from those three things, and you try something, you're going to have a much, much better chance of getting a positive result with women, than if you leave, don’t say anything or just ask questions, and don’t actually get involved in how the conversation is going.
So now I want to take a few minutes and talk about how to not run out of things to say versus having a bunch of routines. Because what a lot of guys do is they will decide, okay, I don’t know what to say to a girl, I'm going to get an hour worth of routines, and there's a couple of problems with that. Number one, not everything you say can be scripted. You want to kind of work on concepts and themes rather than like step by step routines. Like I generally will talk to every girl about the same topics but not usually in the same words, not always at the same time, not always in the same sequence, it's really kind of a mixing and matching, but knowing what your strong topics are, and we'll talk about that more in a little bit, but having a lot of routines, number one—you're not going to remember all of them. Like I have a really, really good memory and even I cannot remember every routine in the world when I'm talking to a girl, especially with the little bit of anxiety that kicks in just from elevated heart rate, and then getting your nervous system going, like a physical response that doesn’t go away. You're not going to remember everything, you can't use the same routines in the same sequence every time and like it work consistently. It's weird, it's not a good idea.
So the idea here is to be able to express who we are and keep talking and giving the girl a chance to get to know what type of person we are and hopefully that will attract her and there are some things you can do that are attractive tactics and techniques, but basically, if you're running out of things to say, you have no chance attracting the girl because you can't attract her with silence, or by leaving. So that's something to keep in mind when you're thinking that you script everything. In fact, there are only 8 places that you really need a routine for and we'll talk about those in a little bit. But I want you to keep that in mind, that you can't script everything, you're not going to be able to use routines in exact order every single time, because what happens is, in the real world you get things you can't plan for, and some of these things help you and some of them don’t. So you can't have a mapped out contingency for everything, you've got to just have basic idea of what your strong topics are, how you like to present yourself to women. What your kind of ideas for grounding yourself and explaining who you are as a person, and then having some ways to connect with them and some other things to keep conversation going is good as well.
I definitely think if you really – because some guys are not good conversationalists, I remember when I was younger, I was not a good conversationalist, I mean it took me a lot of approaching women and having conversations to really get the kind of appropriate way to interact and how to understand not to cut people off when they're talking or move a conversation along, so it's important if you, in the beginning, have no conversation abilities whatsoever, and you really don’t know what to talk about, you get a couple of simple things that you can go to and they don’t have to be the greatest things in the world. One of the things I think guys underestimate is how cool the things they have to say to women have to be. I think that was a byproduct of the early 2000s kind Mystery Methods style of teaching, where there were a lot of "DHV Stories", which were these incredible stories about how you were performing and some guys were chasing your exotic dancer girlfriend, and blah-blah-blah-blah. And nothing wrong with those stories, those stories can work in comfort, once a girl is willing to listen to a 5-minute story that you're telling her. But in attraction they are just a little try-hard and a little too much investment for most types of girls.
Now there are certain girls who are listeners and who respond to bragging and display the materialistic type stuff, and with those girls, those kind of stories work, but for most guys, we don’t have those stories, so that kind of raised the bar of what guys thought they had to talk about, when the bar is really – your competition is the—where are you from, what do you do guy. And most guys don’t even approach, so most girl s aren’t getting approached that much, and when they do, it's by like the drunk, where are you from, what do you do guy, for the most part. So it really just has to be a little more interesting than that. Like having opinions, having some topics that you like talking about is really more than enough and having some routines to grease you through a couple different way points, which can be difficult, especially if you are a beginner, and don’t worry, we'll talk about all those way points, coming up.
So with that said, I want to introduce my four-point system for never running out of things to say, ever, ever, ever again. And this system came about because I've now taught close to 200 boot camps and in that time I've seen that a lot of guys think they don’t have anything to say, and they get really nervous so they tense up and they just want to remove themselves from the negative stimulus and that really is one of the least helpful things you can do when you're trying to learn this stuff. Like you really not doing yourself any favors by ejecting early and you're not doing the girl any favors because you might be her future husband, or something.
So with that said, my four-point system basically encompasses a couple of different things. Number one, it's going to talk about stuff to do before you actually go out, number two, it's going to talk about stuff to do before you actually approach, and then three and four are going to be as you're actually talking to a girl in real time.
So the first thing, obviously, we talked about it a little earlier, is preparation.
Step number one is preparation
Step number two is relaxation
Relaxation is super, super important when it comes to attracting women and when it comes to running out of things to say, that anxiety kills your preparation. You can be the most prepared guy in the world, but if you don’t relax, you're not going to be able to access all that great information that you've got stored in your brain. So we are going to talk about how to relax both before you approach and as you're approaching. Step number three, now we are talking about things that we're going to do as we are actually talking to the girl, to find new conversational material.
Step number three is observing
A lot of the time you can get conversational material just from looking at the girl, looking at various things about her. I'll give you some things to look at in different situations and some ways to kind of focus that.
Step number four is share
Sharing is a big thing, it comes down to the principle of reciprocity, which I talked about quite a bit, but people are more likely to share things when you share with them first. And being able to open up and talk about yourself and put yourself out there, encourages other people to open up, especially women and gives them a glimpse into kind of the type of person you are. So the system is prepare, relax, observe share.
So let's zoom first to preparation. So like the Boys' Scouts we always want to be prepared. Now does that mean that every single time we go out we need to have a list of routines we are going to run, or this that or the other, no. but it definitely pays to be prepared beforehand and to have a way to access some notes as you're actually out talking to girls. I know this sounds kind of nerdy, but the best guys I know all have a cheat sheet with things that they could talk to girls about, maybe an opener, maybe just the basics of just some conversational material, in case we stall out. I keep mine in my cell phone. I address it from a girl's name, but actually for my cell phone number I just save it under a girl's name and then if I run out of stuff when I'm talking to a girl, I just flip my phone open, look at something real quick and then find a way to segue into what I wanted to talk about. There's no substitute for being prepared, knowing what you want to talk about and what kind of ways you're going to use to talk about that whether it's routines, free association and any of the observing techniques, or sharing techniques we'll talk about later in this CD.
You want to have an idea of what you're going to try to talk about, and what works. The other thing to keep in mind as you're preparing is what happens when you're having good interactions. All of the good stories and bits and kind of things I talk about to girls that I rotate through have all come from things that I've said to girls that got a really good reaction in the real world. And that's how it happens, most of the time your best kind of pieces, and your best observations and expressions come from things that you create spontaneously and then use in similar situations. So that's the ultimate preparedness. If something is really working for you, write it down and use it more often, and see where it works. The idea of ranging concepts to figure out where they fit is something that's really underrated, you've got to know when to use that technique as well as what technique to use.
So with preparation, the first thing you've got to do is you've got to know your strong topics. You've got to know what it is you talk about well. For me, I talk well about TV, I talk well about writing, books, Eastern philosophy, tattoos, piercing, partying, smoking weed, obscure arguments about comedians, and stuff about girls. I really am interested in women especially bitchy, funny women. So those are kind of the topics I stick to. Traveling, living a lot of places, the differences in cultures, these are all things that I'm pretty comfortable talking about. The differences between men and women, dating, girls I've dated, guys girls have dated. All that stuff is stuff that I'm really comfortable with. Topics I'm not great on, I'm not super well up-to-date on music, I'm not super well up-to-date on movies anymore, I'm not really political, I'm not really religious, I don’t really care a lot about kids, I don’t like kids. I'm not really big on family stuff. So there are definitely topics that I know I want to stay away from and topics I know I am not good at, and having a list of 10 things you really like to talk about, is the basic step of being prepared for talking to girls. Before you even have an opener, you should have 10 things that you like talking to girls about, and we'll have some other exercise.
Another thing that you could do is have a list of things that you think women would be attracted to you about if they knew about you, and if this doesn’t have to be based on any community attraction switches, or anything like that, but just things that you think, okay, I think girls would like me more if I told them I did this. Like I do a decent amount of charity work for a [Planned Parenthood] and I tell girls about that and that works really. I'm not saying you should run out and tell girls you do work for Planned Parenthood unless you're actually doing it, but you have something like that, that could be something that women will be attracted to you. I also box and do grappling and I know women are attracted to me when I talk about that. Again, I'm not going to get super in-depth, like technical about either of these things, but they are topics that I can bring up that allows me to branch out, like I'm really good about talking working out too, that's another thing that I talk to girls about all the time. I even talk to girls about sports.
If you are a good conversationalist you can make anything interesting but initially you want to figure out the things that are easy for you to talk about, that you can talk about with your friends and family and that you're used to talking about, so that it doesn’t feel super strange.
The second thing, when it comes to preparation, is you have to know where you need routines. So here's where I'm going to give you the eight types of routines you basically want to have, bare minimum preparation-wise. Just so that you are prepared in case things go well. So the first thing everyone should have openers. You don’t want to be out there making up openers on the fly, it's a really bad idea, it generally doesn’t work that well, and it's going to put you in trouble when you're trying to follow up. So you definitely need an opener, you definitely need an opener. You definitely need a transition. The first and second thing you say to girls are generally going to build the impression of the conversation if you stumble on the first or second thing you say to a girl, it's not impossible to recover it, but you're definitely not doing yourself any favors. So you want to make that as smooth as possible, especially the second thing.
The first thing can be kind of awkward if the second is really good. If the first thing is really awkward, and the second is really awkward, you are already in the danger zone. Even if the first thing is really good and the second thing is really awkward, you are in trouble, so those two are most important.
Then you want to have a way to tease a girl, just some way to like, lightly sparkle a little sexual tension. You want to have one kind of fun routine, like a role play, or a game or a funny story, you want to have one interesting routine like a cold read, or an interesting story, or an observation, or something about psychology, or something you can show her really quickly. You want to have a way to isolate, that's really important. You want to have a way to isolate so that when a girl is digging you if she's in a group, you can't go that far in a group, so you've got to get her alone, so you want to have just a quick way. Something like—I want to go outside it's too loud in here, something easy like that. You want to have a way to get a girl's phone number, just a default way, even if it's something as simple as look, I really want to talk to you again, let's exchange numbers, I promise nothing but good conversation, but if we like each other, maybe you'll hang out, and then a way to [bounce ?].
If it's going really, really, good and you have her phone number and she still want to hang out, a way to get her back to your place, a reason. You know something like—hey let's go have one more drink back at my place. Or let's go watch a movie back at my place, just something simple, so that when those situations do come up, you're not like—oh, my God, if only I had a way to get her back to my place. If only I had a way to get that girl's phone number. So those are kind of the eight little routines that you're going to want to have handy and ready when you're talking to girls. So by knowing your strong topics, you're going to be able to fill in the gaps between those routines and by also experimenting with different tactics and techniques, not necessarily routines but things like role playing, grounding, cold reads, et cetera. You will start to get a better feel for how to fill out a conversation in a fun, interesting way that girls will respond to.
So that's preparation. The next step of the four-step system is relaxation. Relaxation when it comes to talking to women is one of the most important things overall. The more comfortable you are around girls, the more comfortable you are talking to strangers, the more comfortable you are expressing interest, the more relaxed you are asking for a girl's phone number the more all of this just seems normal and natural to you, the better you're going to do with girls—100 percent guaranteed. So it's really, really important that we learn to manage the initial rush of nerves, and nervous energy that happens when we start talking to women especially women we are really attracted to. Women that you think are like your perfect 10 are going to actually have a physical affect on you and it's really important that you stay calm, and you stay relaxed. That's what we re shooting for, a lot of guys focus a lot on being confident or feeling like their game is a ten or they can get every girl all you need to do is be relaxed, so that you have full faculties. Because what happens when you're trying too hard to project an image or you're trying too hard to be confident of this, that or the other, is you're going to come off stilted, you're going to come off awkward, and it's not going the to work.
If you just seem relaxed, you're going to come off cool. If you look at any picture of people hanging out, the person who looks the coolest, is always the person who is the most relaxed. So that is really important that our body language, our tonality, when you get nervous your tonality naturally tends to arc upward, your voice gets higher as you get nervous, it's really important that you keep your voice at a normal tone and that you don’t freak out as you're talking to women. So we're going to talk about two techniques for doing that, and they are going to be breathing and focused. So let's talk about breathing. Control of your breath, and not to get all yoga and spiritual on you here, but control of your breath, really is control of your life. If you can control your breath, you can control your internal world. The more we can keep our breath calm, steady, deep and controlled, the more relaxed we are going to be. So we want to make sure that we're using deep, deep breathing as we are getting prepared to go out to talk to girls.
I know a lot of guys they get nervous, maybe even before they go out to talk to girls, like maybe they are planning to go out to the bar that night at 10:00 and they get home from work around 6:30 and they are already nervous because they know they have to go talk to girls later. Whenever you feel nervous I want you to take what's called the 15-second breath, and take a couple of them, but anytime you get that pit of your stomach feeling, or you start to feel really uncomfortable physically, like nervous, not like sick, but if you ever start to feel really nervous or really anxious, start taking 15-second breaths, and a 15-second breath is 6 seconds inhalation, 2 seconds of holding, and then 7 seconds exhalation. So you breathe in for 6 seconds, hold it for 2, breathe out for 7, repeat as needed until you start to feel yourself relaxed. If you take a couple of those breaths, your body will be forced to relax, because what happens as we get nervous is we start to breathe more and more shallow, and you don’t notice it because it's not a noticeable change, but it's enough that we start getting those butterflies, it's enough that we start getting maybe jittery, it just throws off our overall ability to deal with the world and have our full faculties just enough. So keeping that breath steady and constant is really important, but before I go to approach any girl, I want to take a couple deep cleansing 15-second breaths, and then I also want to make sure that I take a breath right before I open my mouth to talk to her because I know I'm louder if I project on the exhale. So you speak on an exhale and you breathe out as you're talking your voice is going to be carry much, much better, and that's going to be much, much more attractive to the woman you are talking to.
So that's kind of breathing. But remember when you're talking to a woman, don’t forget to breathe. Sometimes when I'm talking to a girl and she's really, really hot and I feel myself getting nervous and I feel myself starting to run out of things to say I just take a deep breath, I just stop whatever I'm doing, if I'm listening or talking, I stop whatever I'm doing, I finish what I'm saying and I just take a deep breath and exhale out really slowly, and then I'll find myself relaxing again, and being able to think and the things come right to my head as I want to speak.
Now the second point of relaxing is pausing and focusing. That's a really big thing. One of the things I see with guys a lot when I teach in the real world, is they don’t really fully commit and focus on the approach at hand, so a lot of the time they get thrown off by external factors, people are watching, her friends are watching, people are walking by, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t want to say this because I though you couldn’t use that routine in this set of this reason; a lot of thoughts, right. What I want to teach you to do is to pause and focus as you open a set. When you're opening a set, you want to pretend like there's almost nothing in the world besides you and that girl or those people you're talking to. If there's a group, you'll want to focus your attention only on everybody in the group, meaning don’t worry about people to the left or right. Don’t worry about people watching. You know, sometimes you have to do approaches with girls, with a couple of guys standing around sometimes you do group approaches where there are guys in the group, and the guys might be hanging out, so you focus your attention solely on them, nothing else matters, you've got to really to shift it, and furthermore when you're approaching a girl by yourself, you want to shift your focus so that you're solely on her.
If you're approaching a girl during the daytime where it's just a one-on-one approach, you want to block everything else out. You've got to learn to shift your focus entirely to the conversation while remaining relaxed. That means keep breathing, but block everything else out except what she's doing, what she's saying, what you're saying next, how it's going what her body language is saying, if she's looking at you, if she seems engaged, if she seems to want to get away from you, look at all of those things, that's where your focus really needs to be in order to have the best results and not run out of things to say, when you're worried about people watching you, or what's going to happen next, or this, that or the other, and you're not fully focused on the moment. When people say—be in the moment—when they talk about flow, and talk about the zone, state, that comes from a state of hyper-focus and we can achieve this focus without necessarily having to be in state or in it all the time if we focus on it, if we practice consciously trying to block out everything but the interaction, to the point where the girl should notice it and she could get sucked into it, which makes things go really, really well.
So that's relaxation. So now we've talked about preparation and relaxation. Now I want to talk about observation. And when it comes to observing, observing is one of the most important skills when it comes to social interaction in general. The better you get at observing people and reading people understanding what they're saying in their sub-communications, what they're clothing choices say about them, what their markings, like piercing, tattoos, hairstyles, dying their hair, clothing choices, nail choices, bag choices, what the type of place they go to says about them, what they do for a living says about them, what their friends say about them. The better you get at all of this stuff the more success you're going to have with women because you'll start to be able to demonstrate understanding of that person much more easily than someone who is not observant.
I really don’t use too much material that much anymore because I've gotten really good at observing women and figuring out what kind of girl they are, or think they are, and then just kind of telling them about themselves, my observation about them based on them compared to the thousands and thousands of other women that I've met doing cold approach for more than a half a decade. So becoming observing is definitely a skill you can learn. At first you're going to want to just blurt out observations, it's okay to be random here, or weird. Sometimes you're going to make observations that are not appropriate but you'll learn the line much with anything you're going to learn overdoing it in the School of Hard Knox, as they say. But I want to give you some guidelines right now.
The first thing is what to observe. So there is generally going to be three distinct subjects you're going to want to make observations about when you're talking to girls. So they’re generally going to be observations about her, observations about groups including her group if she's in a group, or other groups if she's not in a group, or she's in your group or, you know, the two of you are by yourself, and there are other people at the Starbucks, or in the mall, on your university campus, and observations about the environment.
So let's go through those one at a time and give a little more detail. First observations about her—so what are we observing about women. The first thing we want to stay away from anything sexual, you know like boobs, ass, you're really sexy-type stuff, because it's just—it can work, but it's really overly aggressive and get you blown out. If you want to get physical, height is an interesting thing to talk about, especially where her height wracks up comparatively to other girls you know, if she's the tallest or shortest in her group, her family and stuff like that. Smiles, you can definitely talk about smiles, interesting smiles, you can definitely talk about her clothing, you can definitely talk about her jewelry, you can definitely talk about her facial expressions, you can definitely talk about her body language, her posture, how fast she's walking, how she moves, all of that kind of stuff, is definitely good or a kind of energy type stuff, if she seems really friendly, if she seems really cold and standoffish, if she seems shy, if she seems really popular, if she seems really, you know, to herself, all of those things temperament kind of stuff are all observations you can kind of make.
You can make observations about what you think she might do for a living, where you think she might be from, all of that is kind of good stuff to make observations about. Now the groups, again, are kind of groups of people, so if she's in a group, if it's night, you can make observations about other people in her group, how they all know each other, what role each person plays in the group, you can make observations about they interact with other people in the club, you can make interactions about how at home or not at home they seem there, you can make kind of observations about what their night seems to be like, you can make observations about what they seem to be looking for, you can make observations about who seems to be closest, how long they've all known each other. Again, what they might do for a living and, again, all the observations you made about girls you can make about each person in their group—height, all that kind of stuff comes back into play.
And lastly, observations about the environment; observations about the environment are basically going to be things about the place you're at, so if you are the mall, there are going to be observations about the mall, and that could include the people that are there and it can include, stuff that's going on, it can include decorations, it can include how it relates to other places, it can include how the girl/girls relate to an environment all that stuff comes into play; so girl-group environment. The other thing to keep in mind is you're going to want to look for cues as to what kind of girl she is. So for example, if I'm talking to a girl in a club and she is dressed in a pink cutoff T-shirt, low-rider jeans with her thong hanging out, she has a lower back tattoo, she's wearing 5-inch heels, a bunch of metal bracelets on one hand, and a bunch of faked diamond rings on the other with big earrings and sunglasses on her head. I can make a lot of observations about what kind of girl she is. If I see another girl who is at the same club and she is dressed like she just kind of came out of a bed or got off work, and she's dressed in a tank top with another restaurants logo on it, and some jeans and she's in a sweat shirt and she's just hanging out with some friends, that tells me a lot what she does.
So we are constantly looking for clues and as to, is this girl a party girl, or a kind corporate nine to five girl. Is this girl a kind of outside-the-box thinker when it comes to tattoos, piercing, how sexual does she seem, how much does she put her sexuality out there. How much does it seem like she parties. How long does it seem like it took her to get ready today. does she seem high maintenance, of low maintenance. Even what she's drinking, like a girl [pounding 00:44:29] shots, tells you something about her, whereas a girl who's drinking beer, tells you something else about her, so you're looking for all of these clues, is she high maintenance, low maintenance. Does she look like she has mostly male friends, female friends, is she out with a bunch of people, one person just by herself in a huge group at a birthday party, all of these things are pieces to the puzzle of figuring out what to make observations about and what to talk about with this girl. Girls will give you a lot of clues as to what to talk about with them, but you kind of need to let them have the chance by looking for things in their dress, they way they carry themselves, all of these little, seemingly insignificant things that overall will give you a really good idea about how to talk to her, how to keep the conversation going and how to steer it towards conversational topics that will be interesting to her. Because people are their own favorite subject, that's one of the big powers of making observations is that everyone loves to hear about themselves. So the more you can observe, the more kind of psychological authority and leverage you're going to gain.
Which brings us to our last step, which is sharing; this is going to come as a big surprise to most guys, but everyone out there has probably heard about why the interview pick up is bad. And they've heard it's boring, it's the same thing girls hear over and over and over again, and all those are good ideas. But there are things that girls hear over and over and over again that never really get boring. You know, like you want to go party on a yacht or you want to go do cocaine in my hotel room. So it's not just that the girls get bored with it, the problem is the psychological concept of reciprocity, which basically says that when you share something with someone, they're going to be more likely to share something with you. So because man evolved as a social kind of creature, we had to band together, and we had to have ways of trusting, so psychologically we developed this principle of reciprocity, which means that as we do more things for people, or reveal more things about who we're, they are going to reveal more things about who they are. So one of the major psychological problems with an interview pick up is that the guy isn’t revealing about himself—he goes, where are you from, and the girls goes, here, and he goes—cool, nice—or I'm from here, or, oh, I know someone from there, and then he moves onto another question, and it's not really – the girl is giving the information first, and then eventually our mind, psychologically, will go—wait this isn’t reciprocity, and we don’t want to do this anymore. So that's the psychological reason why the interview pick up actually doesn’t work.
So instead what we want to do, is we want to share things about ourselves, but we want to open up, there was a recent Thirty Rock, where Alec Baldwin plays a character and he played the character named Jack Donaghy, and Jack is juggling these two women, and he's talking to Liz Lemmon, who's Tina Fey, and he goes—Liz, I succeed in business because I'm open, confident and positive. You fail because you're closed, negative and pessimistic. And it's really true, if you are willing to open up about yourself and talk about yourself, you're going to get a lot more time to talk to girls. Women are incredibly willing to listen to guys talk about themselves, especially if you do it in the right way, and especially when you do it in a way that is relatable to them, and that they can understand. And we'll talk about the right ways to do that in just a minute.
But learning to share doesn’t just go over kind sharing about yourself but it also goes over sharing positive emotions, giving good emotions, giving humor, adding positivity to the overall interaction help a lot. So when you're sharing you're not just sharing about yourself but you're sharing good feelings, you're sharing those positive emotions with the girl, you're making her feel good, you're giving her things that she wants more of emotionally. So let's talk about what a couple of those things are. The number one technique for sharing is what's called grounding stories, and grounding stories basically came from the idea of Mystery grounding your identity and then we're kind of reinvented by myself and Captain Jack and a couple other people, when I was living in Texas, it was really means stories that talk about who you are and why you are the way you are. So for example, I tell a grounding story about having three sisters and a gay brother, and that made me understand women differently because when I was really young, I would see my sisters going on dates and coming back and talking about guys and I would see them taking dumps and all these things that you're supposed to not see until really later on.
So because of that like I get along way better with girls than I do with guys. And so that's kind of a story that talks about, you know, where I come from. I do have three sisters and a gay brother, and kind of explains why I have so many female "friends". But yes, it grounds me, it explains what type of behavior I'm going to have later on, if there are a lot of girls around, or when I tell stories about my female friends and it allows me to express myself and now that I've talked about my family and I've shared, you know, seemingly intimate information girls are going to be way more willing to share with me. So that's another big thing. Another thing is cold reading. Cold reading is sharing where you're going to have interesting things, you're going to share your thoughts about the girl, and again cold reads are just truisms about people, you know. So you can read up all about cold reading, there's some stuff on the Twenty Skills of Attraction, where I give you guys some cold reads, maybe I'll do a full Sinn's Inner Circle on cold reads at some point in the near future, but basically cold reads are truisms, I might say something like, you know, I bet you that when people met you they think you're kind of a bitch, but I don’t think that's true I think you're just kind of shy, and it takes you a while to warm up to people. Like I bet you have a lot of acquaintances, but not that many close friends.
That’s just a little cold read that's true about most people. Most people have a lot of acquaintances, but only three of four really, really close, close friends. So cold reads share because they share understanding, they show you that you're interested in understanding the girls world and knowing her and being able to explain that to her. Another thing that helps to share is role plays. Role plays help to share because they share positive emotions, they're fun and funny fantasy situations, when you say something like—you know what, me and you are going to run to Canada where they don’t have any guns and we're going to get one gun in over the border, and we're going to rule the entire country. Or, you know what we're going to do, we are going to like, form our own super-hero group, like that movie Kick Ass, except we are just going to beat up people who mess with people who go shopping at the mall. Like anyone robbing at the mall, those are out people we mess up. We're like [Elite 00:42:10] Mall Security.
It allows the girl to step outside of herself in the interaction where it might be just you hitting on a girl, and to have some fun, and it gives distance and objectivity for her to play, which is good. And the last thing when it comes to sharing is you've got to understand how to use questions. So for a really long time I thought the question were like we were moving money from a bank account but you didn’t know much money was in there. That's not entire accurate, but you don’t want to ask a bunch of questions because of the idea of reciprocity, that's why it's sharing. You don’t want to put the burden of keeping the conversation going on the girl or the group, so when you're using questions it's very easy to switch them into statements. Instead of saying—where are you from, you could say something like—you seem like you're from Orange County. Or you strike me as you have more like an East Coast vibe. Did you move to California?
But you want to use your questions to set things up, and you want to know where you're going to go. A lot of guys, the problem again, with the reciprocity, is that they're asking questions but they're not sharing about themselves. So you can use grounding to set up a question. Like I may say something like—yeah, you know, for me I grew up with three sisters and a gay brother, so I'm more comfortable with fashion, but I didn’t really have that male role model. Do you have sisters or brothers? And now I can ask her a question and she's going to be 10,000 times more likely to answer that if I ground myself first, and then I have something to go with it afterwards. So afterwards I might use a cold read, I might say—oh, you know, yeah, I could tell—let's say she has sisters, I could be like—oh, yeah, you seem like a little more on the girly, feminine side, I bet you take like a really long time to get ready. And if she's like—oh, I have brothers, I could say something, yes, you seem like you're a little more of a Tom-boy type girl. I bet like you have like a leather Harley Davidson belt buckle or something.
But again, that's how you kind of put these techniques together. They all work in tandem, so you also might ask question and tease a girl, and ask a girl where she's from and then make fun of her answer. So I might say—where are you from? And she'd be like I'm from Santa Monica, I could be like—oh my god, I meet like another [inaudible 0:54:29] like snob girl, I can tell we're not going to get along. Or, I can use information as a way to ground myself, right. I grew up in Venice Beach, and you would be like—oh, cool, I grew up in Venice, that's awesome. So that's another thing you can do, you can use it to relate, ground yourself, tell a story. She might say I'm from Santa Monica, I might go—oh my God, that's really funny, when I was growing up we used to go down to the Santa Monica Boardwalk, and pier all the time and like we'd walk around and like try to talk to girls when we were like 14 or 15, never actually talk t any girls, we came really close a few times. We'd get close and like smile and run away. So yes, I spend a lot of times in Santa Monica. Now we are relating, we’re grounding ourselves, we're telling a story. I might go—oh, my ex-girlfriend is from Santa Monica, you know, I went to the Santa Monica prom, (that's not true, but it could be). So there are a lot of different things we can do off-questions, we can tease, we can tell a story, we relate, we can also cold read, we can also role play, we can do a lot of different things. So don’t be afraid to use questions just have something – have a plan for what you're going to do when the girl answers the question.
Alright let's recap everything.
First we talked about kind of what it looks and feels like to run out of things to say in various situations. Right after the opener, when you're like shit, it's going so good now, and I'm like messing it up.
We talked about why guys run out of things to say because they are not prepared and they're not relaxed, and they don’t have a good grasp of basic conversational stuff.
We talked about when guys run out of things to say generally right after the opener, or 5, 6 minutes in when things are going well.
We talked about never running out of things to say versus routines, how you cannot script everything and you want to improve your conversational skills as well as we're going to have a couple different types of routines.
We went through my four-step system. Step number one, be prepared. Know your strong topics, the eight types of routines you need—an opener, a transition, a tease, one fun routine, one interesting routine, one way to isolate one way to close, one way bounce.
We talked about, you know, being relaxed—step two—breathing, keeping your body language relaxed, making sure your vocal tonality is relaxed. We talked about pausing, and shifting focus; shifting focus to black out every distraction around you except that girl or that group.
We talked about step number three, which is observing. We talked about becoming a more observant person, looking for the clues as to what kind of girl she is in her, the group, the environment, looking for those ideas of what you can talk about, what sorts of things she might be interested in.
Step number four—sharing; talking about ourselves, sharing positive emotions, grounding, cold reads, role plays and the variations on the questions.
Now I want to end this with two quick exercises that will really help you guys to be more prepared.
Exercise number one:
I want you to write a list of 10 topics you really love talking about, 10 things you really, really like talking about that you could talk about all day.
Exercise number two:
Write a list of 10 topics about things that you know women are interested in that you would like to learn more about. Maybe you want to learn more about fashion, maybe you want to learn more about celebrities, maybe you want to learn more about pop culture, maybe you want to learn more about hair, shoes, aerobics, or yoga, [crossfitter 0:58:12] or anything that a girl might be interested in. Write down 10 of those that you research to learn more about, so you have new things to talk about in a couple weeks, once you've gotten bored of these.
So that's going to wrap it up, again, as always, if you have any questions send them to email@example.com and I will talk to you next month.