Character List: Hoss- Off-Off-Off Broadway producer. The best OOOB producer, although he is getting old
Janice- Gossipy, bubble-gum teen who would rather be somewhere else
Henry- Frat bro who is only there for his “resume”
Artie- Hip new OOOB producer. Looking to take Hoss’s job.
2 Unnamed Children (at the end and still a maybe)
Three people walk into a room with two chairs and a table. Hoss McBoss: So, you’re probably wondering why I brought you, the two unpaid interns, into my office…. The reason is, we need new material for the play directed towards capturing a younger audience. Janice: What play? Hoss: Damnit Janice, this is an Off-Off-Off-Broadway musical theatre company extravaganza, where do you think you’ve been working the past three months? Janice: Oh, I thought it was just a really nice Starbucks. Hoss: The point is kids, what’ve you got for me? Henry: What about this angle. Kids these days, they don’t know what they want. So, the play will be called “What do you want?” It’ll be a collective poll to determine what our next play will be about. Hoss: Henry, you know the point of me bringing you two in here was so that we could come up with a new play, right? A survey is counterintuitive. Not to mention it gives people power, money, choices. And, if people don’t know what they want, how the hell will they be able to tell us what they want?! Janice: What about, like, celebrity gossip?
Janice: I’m just saying, it’s relatable. Hoss: Okay, that’s good, relatability, what else have we got? Henry: What if there was a dog…. Hoss: No. Next? Janice: Okay, so like, mass media is a pretty big deal, right? Hoss: Sure. Janice: So what if we had a cellphone character named Miss Media? Hoss: Gee, how long did it take you to come up with that one?
Janice: 2 years of undergrad and an Associate’s degree in English… Hoss: Right now all I’ve got is celebrity dogs with cellphones, come on people! Where’s the drama, where’s the comedy? The action? The love? Henry: I was in love once. It was freshman year in high school… Her name was Pamela… Anderson. Hoss: Oh Christ. Henry: [While Sniveling/Crying] I never even got to talk to her wahahaha! Janice: [Looks at him with disgust] Well, my idea was good, if you don’t like it maybe you just aren’t hip enough to, y’know, get it. Hoss: [Stands up straight, trying to recompose himself] Hey, hey guys, I’m hip...yo?.. Come one, I owned a skateboard once… I played NES...dawg? Henry: Dude, you’re lamer that my dead grandma and SHE’s DEAD. Janice: Yea Hoss, you’re such an old fogey. Hoss: Nah man, I’m down with it, I’ll use your ideas to make a dope play, player. Janice: Stop talking, please. Hoss: We reconvene tomorrow. Scene Ends. Next scene, same setting. Hoss: What is up my glip glops! Henry: What the hell is a glip glop?
Hoss: It’s a Rick and Morty reference.
Henry and Janice look at each other, confused. Hoss: Rick and Morty? Adult Swim T.V Show? Forget it. What’ve we got today.
Janice is about to speak when a man enters the office. He wears a fedora, a scarf, and some glasses. He begins slow clapping. Artie: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Hoss, consulting kids for advice now? Hoss: Artie? What the hell are you doing here! Artie: Oh, just checking out my future office. I see you’ve really made this place old and lame, suitingly. Hoss: Ah, fuck yourself Artie, I’m still the best director on Off-Off-Off-Broadway…. Artie: Well the best director in the O-O-O is about to be the best director in the No-no-no. Janice: Oh ma gawd, stop talking. [Texts] Artie: Whatever, you should treat me with respect if you want to keep that job of yours. Henry: Dude, it’s an unpaid internship, I’m not going to stay if my boss becomes some hipster douchebag. Artie: Hey, hey! I am the hipster douchebag alright. I liked being a hipster douchebag before being a hipster douchebag even existed! [Straightens himself out] Anyway, all of this banter has made me late for my Pumpkin Spice Latte, later d-bags. [Flips them off as he walks out]. Hoss: [Yelling after him] Yea, well your sister liked pumpkin spice lattes! Janice: Wow. Henry: What the hell is Art the fart talking about Hoss? He’s taking your job. Hoss: Listen guys, the company wants someone trendier. They want to be Off-Off Broadway, which is actually a thing, unlike the unofficial OOOB. If I can’t deliver, I’m out. You guys are my last hope. Janice: Wow, cool story bro.
Henry: Yea, I’m hungry, can we get lunch?
Hoss: I’m glad that you guys at least listen to me. End Scene. Lights up, scene 3, a new day, same location. Janice and Henry enter arguing, they stop to see Hoss dressed like Artie. Janice: Hoss are you okay? Henry: Yea, you look a little phased out bro. Hoss: Oh, I’m just totally fly my main man. Don’t you worry. And Jan-Jan, wha-wha-whasssuppp? They look at each other confused. Hoss: Come on guys. WAZZUP! Janice walks over and slaps him. He appears humbled. Janice: Come on Hoss, this isn’t you. Henry: Yea, you’re Hoss “The Boss” McGillicutty, you’re the toughest producer in the OOOB. Hoss: But guys, if I don’t change my attitude, I’m out of a job. He sits. Hoss: You know, it used to be simple. You go out, you pick something nice to write about, to produce, and that’s it. People used to line up to hand me their writing. All ages… Now…. I’d be lucky to have my own son show me something he wrote. Janice: Hoss, you don’t have a son…. Hoss: Exactly. Henry: Comon man! I may’ve taken this internship just to build up my resume, but I also took it because it’s Hoss “The Sauce” McGillicutty I’d be working for! Hoss: But I’m not even hip, you guys said it yourselves. Janice: Hoss, we’re young adults, our minds change like, everyday?
Henry: Yea, like today I hate Janice, yesterday I made love to her…. Hoss: What?! They both blush on stage. Visible awkward tension.
Hoss: I can’t believe this, you guys are supposed to be giving me ideas for a play and you’re useless, but then you go off and shag somewhere and give me the greatest idea for a play so far!
Janice & Henry: What?! Hoss: It’ll be called something chic like… “Unpaid Interns” no… “Unpaid and in Love”... uh… “Money can’t buy love, thank goodness, because we have no Money.” Whatever, the title isn’t important. Here’s the plot, two young adults, fresh out of college, university sweethearts. They both get internships, being unpaid and struggle to live together in New York City. Henry: That might actually be cool. Hoss: Of course it will be! It gives love, drama, action, and excitement in a relatable setting for the younger adult audience. You guys smell that? Everyone looks towards the audience and smells with an intensity. Hoss: Smells like an Anthony [play on Tony award] to me. Now let’s get to work! They sit down and begin writing and discussing, the scene fades to black.