Someone once said, if it was raining brains Roxy Robinson wouldn’t even get wet. In all of New York they didn’t come much dumber than Roxy the Weasel. To be frank, Roxy as a dope!

:)


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Bug C Malone

Scene 1
(All on stage in various positions, all frozen, when silly stringed all turn to look then cross them selves)
KNUCKLES Someone once said, if it was raining brains Roxy Robinson wouldn’t even get wet. In all of New York they didn’t come much dumber than Roxy the Weasel. To be frank, Roxy as a dope!
CHARLIE I gotta get to the alley way quick. He's making for Perito's. Benny you cover the back. Yonkers, watch the sidewalk.
LOUIS Dumb as Roxy was, she could smell trouble like other people could smell gas. But she should never have taken the alley behind Perito's Bakery.
CHARLIE Your name Robinson?
ROXY Uh huh (Nods)
BENNY Roxy Robinson?
ROXY Uh huh (Nods)
YONKERS Also known as Roxy the Weasel?
ROXY Uh huh (Nods)
BENNY The same Roxy the weasel who works for fat Sam?
ROXY Uh huh (Nods)
(Gang Silly string Roxy, falls to the floor as if dead)
ANGELO Whatever game it was that everyone was playing, sure as eggs is eggs, Roxy Robinson had been well and truly scrambled.
(Funeral music. Gang pick him up and carry him off slowly)
(Beautician and Fran enter, bring on salon chair, sit C stage)
MOLLIE Now, the girl in the chair here is Flash Fran. The best lawyer in New York, she's a little shady but she's the best…believe me. Flash Fran's silver tongue can get a guy out of jail quicker than a truck load of dynamite.
(Gang enter and silly string the beautician and Fran, fall back in chair dead.

(Gang pick up chairs and carry off stage to funeral music)


SCENE 2
YONKERS Now as you can see, something kind of fishy is going on here. To be perfectly honest, i'm beginning to wonder what's going on myself. I mean, this plays only just started and already the stage is full of stiffs! Oh by the way, you're probably wondering who he is.
(Appearing at back of audience)

BUG Well, my name's Bugsy, Bug C Malone


BUGSY MALONE (ALL)
He's a sinner
Candy-coated
For all his friends
He always seems to be alone
But they love him
Bugsy Malone

A city slicker


He can charm you
With a smile and a style all his own
Everybody loves that man
Bugsy Malone

Hot-headed Bugsy makes his mind up


Don't mess with Bugsy or you'll wind up
Wishing you'd left well enough alone
He's a man, a mountain
He's a rolling stone

And will he leave you


Sad and lonely, crying
I couldn't say, but it's known
That everybody wants that man
Bugsy Malone

(All one doing different things in their sections, i.e. playing cards, cleaning, warming up, doing makeup, sat in office. Blousey walks past with directions like she's looking for something)
BUG Hi, how you doing? I'm Bugsy Malone. (Blousey ignore him)
BUG You a dancer? A singer, right? Oh, a base-ball player. (He pulls bat out of her bag)
BLOUSEY Zip the lip wisey. I'm in no mood for conversation.
BUG Ahh, you don’t wanna be my friend?
BLOUSEY Listen wise guy, I'm surprised you don't fall over with that big head of yours!
FIZZY You can go in now. (Blousey goes past her) Fat lot of good it will do her though, ever day they just tell us to come back tomorrow!

BUG Now, I bet your wondering what kind of joint this is. Well this is Fat Sam's place, Fat Sam's Grand slam, the hippest place in town, the place to see and be seen.

FAT SAM'S GRAND SLAM (ALL)
Anybody who is anybody will soon walk through that door
at Fat Sam's Grand Slam Speakeasy
always able to find you a table there’s room for just one more
at Fat Sam's Grand Slam Speaskeasy

Once you get here feel the good cheer


like they say in the poem
Fat Sam's ain't humble
but it's your home sweet home
plans are made here,
games are played here
I could write me a book
each night astounds you
rumors are a-buzzin
stories by the dozen
look around your cousin at the news we're making here.

Anybody who is anybody will soon walk through that door


at Fat Sam's Grand Slam Speakeasy

(instrumental)

da da da da da da
da da da da da da
da da da da da da da
ooh yeah ooh yeah da da da da da da da

see the politician


sitting by the kitchen
said he caught his fingers
in the well he was wishing in

Once you get here


feel the good cheer
like they say in the poem
Fat Sam's ain't humble but its your home sweet home
plans are made here
games are played here
I could write me a book
each night astounds you
rumors are a-buzzin
stories by the dozen
look around your cousin at the news we're making here

Anybody who is anybody will soon walk through that door


at Fat Sam's Grand Slam Speakeasy!
Music continue under next scene, abruptly stop as Gang enter
(Bug and Blousey bump into each other)
BUG Ouch, look where you're going will you.
BLOUSEY Oh I'm so sorry. Oh! It's you, the wise guy!

BUG That bat could be classed as a dangerous weapon you know.

BLOUSEY My mum made me pack it!
BUG Why, 'cause you’re a sports nut?
BLOUSEY It's for protection, in case I get robbed!
BUG You’re a singer right?
BLOUSEY Depends what you want me to be, I dance and I sing, that’s why I'm here, to see about a job
BUG So, did you get the job then?
BLOUSEY Nah, not yet, they said come back tomorrow.
BUG Yeah, that’s what they always say! What's your name anyway?
BLOUSEY Brown
BUG Sounds like a loaf of bread!
BLOUSEY Blousey Brown.
BUG Sounds like a stale loaf of bread! Well, I'm Malone, Bug C Malone.
(Dandy Dan's Gang enter with lots of noise etc.

People running everywhere and hiding to try and get away. Gang leave and everyone slowly comes back on, starts tidying up etc)
FAT SAM Ok everyone, it's ok, nothing to worry about now. Back to your tables, back to the bar. Girls get back on the floor! I wanna see everyone enjoying themselves. Free drinks on the house. It's just a little excitement that’s all. No one can say Fat Sam's ain't the liveliest club in town!

(Beckons to his boys to come round)
LIGHTS FADE TO A SPOT WHERE THEY ARE.

Boys, this means war! Dandy Dan's gang are going down!


SPOTLIGHT FADE TO BLACK. MUSIC
SCOOP We interrupt this programme to bring you an important news flash….Reports are coming in of a gangland incident on the Lower East Side, involving Roxy Robinson, believed to be a member of the gang of Fat Sam Staccato. Robinson was a victim of a sensational event and we go over to our reporter on the spot for a . . . . FADE TO BLACK

SCENE 3

FAT SAM So, tell me how you allowed this to happen? Roxy was one of my best men! What have you got to say for yourselves you bunch of dummies? Knuckles? Louis? Angelo? You’re a disgrace to your profession. Do you hear me? A disgrace! And most of all you’re a disgrace to me, Fat Sam!

And we all know who’s behind this, don’t we?

GANG Sure boss
FAT SAM Don’t need a hatful of brains to know that do you?
GANG Certainly not boss.
FAT SAM So, who is it then you dummies?
GANG umm, umm, Dandy Dan Boss?
FAT SAM (Falls off chair) Don’t you dare mention his name in my presence you hear me?
FIZZY Er Boss, um how about our audition? You said come back tomorrow.
KNUCKLES Not the best time right now Fizzy, can you come back tomorrow?
TILLIE But today is tomorrow knuckles?
ANGELO Will you two just get out of here!

(DOWN STAIRS SLOWLY AND SADLY, LIGHTS FADE ON GANG AS GANG TRYING TO CONSOLE FAT SAM)
BUG Can I give you a lift?
BLOUSEY You got a car?
BUG Erm, no!
BLOUSEY Then how you gonna give me a lift, put me in an elevator?
BUGSEY It's a nice night, we could walk. Which way you going?
BLOUSEY Which way you going?
BUG This way
BLOUSEY Then I'm going this way!
BUG Hay, have you eaten?
BLOUSEY Ever since I was a child!
BUG Haha! You hungry?
BLOUSEY No! . . . I'm starving!
BUG Are you going back to the speakeasy tomorrow?
BLOUSEY Er no, I'm gonna try my luck at the Bijoux Theatre.
BUG The Lena Marelli Show?
BLOUSEY She walked out. They’re looking for a replacement.
BUG Oh she walks our every week and every week they have auditions and every week she walks right back in again. . . But don’t let me put you off!
BLOUSEY I won’t! What do you do?
BUG I find fighters, boxers. In fact I was a fighter myself once, pretty good too.
BLOUSEY You were?
BUG Sure, I could have been a champion.
BLOUSEY You could?
BUG Sure, but for a couple of things.
BLOUSEY Like what?
BUG Like jelly legs and a glass jaw.
BLOUSEY Some champion.
WAITRESS Look buddy, in case you’re wondering, I ain’t part of the furniture. Are you eatin’ or are you meetin’?

BUG Er . . . no we’ll have two Banana splits with double ice cream, nuts and chocolate sauce, two cream Arizona doughnuts and a coke with two straws.

(DANDY DAN’S GANG ENTER AND START FIRING

B & B HIDE UNDER TABLE)


BLOUSEY We can’t go on meeting like this.
SCENE 4
(LOUELLE & DANDY & GANG INTO LOUNGE. MUSIC PLAYING)
LOU Oh honey, don’t switch that off, i was enjoying that!
DAN I have to concentrate princess. I have a little business to attend to.
LOU But ain’t you gonna play no more?
DAN Later my rose, later.

Hi boys, relax will you! I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for all your hard work so far. Everything has gone swell, just swell.


GANG Thanks Boss!
DAN Fat Sam must have had quite a shock. Soon all he will have is the clothes he stands up in and a suitcase full of memories.
SCENE 5
(FIZZY, TILLIE, LORETTA AND BANGLES CLEANING AND TIDYING DRESSING ROOM AND CLUB.

TALLULAH DOING MAKEUP. FAT SAM AND KNUCKLES IN OFFICE)
FAT SAM Stop crackin’ your knuckles Knuckles.
KNUCKLES But its how I got my name boss!
FAT SAM Well cut it out or I'll change your name! (Calls to Tallulah)

Tallulah you ready yet? How much longer do you want us to wait?
TALLULAH Coming honey, you don’t want me to look a mess do you?
(FS paces up and down, Knuck copies)
FIZZY Er, Mr Sam, about our audition?
FAT SAM Later Fizzy, I'm busy right now, tell those girls to keep practicing and I'll see you tomorrow, I promise you, tomorrow Fizzy!
FIZZY But boss, yesterday you said tomorrow.
FAT SAM TALLULAH! You spend more time prettying yourself up than there’s time in the day. I’ll see you in the car. (As he turns Knuckles is right behind) KNUCKLES! Get out of my way!
KNUCKLES Sorry boss
TALLULAH Night Fizzy, night girls. I hope you get your audition.

TOMORROW SONG (Fiz, Tillie, Lor, Mollie)

Tomorrow
Tomorrow never comes
What kind of a fool
Do they take me for?
Tomorrow
A resting place for bums
A trap set in the slums
But I know the score

I won't take no for an answer


I was born to be a dancer now, Yeah!

Tomorrow
Tomorrow, as they say


Another working day and another chore
Tomorrow
An awful price to pay
I gave up yesterday
But they still want more

They are bound to compare me


To Fred Astaire when I'm done
Anyone who feels the rhythm
Movin' through em
Knows it's gonna do em good
To let the music burst out

When you feel assured


Let the people know it
Let your laughter loose
Until your scream
Becomes a love-shout, ah

Tomorrow
Tomorrow's far away


Tomorrow, as they say,
Is reserved for dreams
Tomorrow
Tomorrow's looking grey
A playground always locked
Trains no winning teams

I won't take no for an answer


I was born to be a dancer now
Anyone who feels the rhythm through em
Knows it's gonna do em good
To let the music burst out
When you feel assured
Let the people know it.
Let your laughter loose
Until your scream becomes a love shout
Ah
SCENE 6
OP SING (Opera singer on and sings badly)
OLIVIA DV NEXT!
OP SING But I have other songs.
OLIVIA DV Yes honey, but do you have another voice? NEXT
MAGICIAN Good evening, I am the great Marbini! From this hat I will produce not one, not two, but three rabbits!
OLIVIA DV NEXT, NEXT! Don’t give up the day job!
(Dancers onto stage, do terrible ballet dancing)
OLIVIA DV Get off my stage, NEXTTTTT!
DANCER What does she mean next? Doesn’t she like us? I’ll punch her right on the nose!

BLOUSEY Blousey Brown, singer.

OLIVIA The light honey
BLOUSEY Er, sorry Mrs De Velt, I didn’t quite catch that?
OLIVIA The light honey, step into the light, I need to see your face, this show ain’t set down a mine!
(Piano starts and as Blousey opens her mouth to sing,

LENA storms down the centre aisle and shouting)

LENA Olivia, Olivia, I'm back! I’ll give you one more chance or else I'm out for good!

You hear me? Olivia Out! Out! OUT! (Onto stage and barges Blousey off stage)

Ok honey beat it! This show has got its star back! Lena’s come home! Hit it Buckley!
LENA’S SONG (Lena)
BUG Cheer up honey, there’s a million jobs out there!
BLOUSEY Sure, on the street corner with a hat to catch dimes in!
BUG It takes time to me a movie star! We could come back tomorrow.
BLOU Come back tomorrow! Come back tomorrow! That's all I ever hear! I spend my whole life coming back tomorrow!
SCOOP We interrupt this show to bring you a further bulletin on developments in the latest outbreak of hoodlum gang warfare.

Captain O'Dreary, Seymour Scoop RTZ Radio. Can you tell us if you have located the weapons used by the gangs yet?


O'Dreary No comment!
SCOOP Have you located the source?
O'Dreary Sure I had it on my hamburger at lunch!
SCOOP No Captain, the source of the guns?
O'Dreary Oh, then no comment!

SCENE 7
LOUELLA As you can see O'Dreary and Scoop have about as much chance of solving this case as I have of becoming the president of the United States! Meanwhile back In our story, Fat Sam is definitely getting a little nervous - I mean if you had a gang of dumb bums to relay on you'd be nervous! And trust me, Dandy Dan's lot ain't all that either!


BAD GUY'S SONG (Boys)
We could of been anything that we wanted to be,

But don't it make your heart glad,

That we decided a fact we take pride in,
To become the best at being bad,

We could of been anything that we wanted to be


With all the talent we had,
No doubt about it, we fight and we tout it,
We're the very best at being bad guys,
We're rotten to the core,
My congratulations no one likes you anymore,
Bad guys, we're the very worst,
Each of us contemptible when criticised and cursed,

We made the big time malicious and mad,


We're the very best at being bad,
We could of been anything that we wanted to be,
We took the easy way out,
With little training we mastered complaining,
Manners seemed unnecessary we're so rude it's almost scary,

We could of been anything that we wanted to be,


With all the talent we had,
With little practice we made every black list,
We're the very best at being bad,
We're the very best at being bad,
We're the very best at being bad,
ANGELO Hello Sam
FAT SAM Yeah, start gabbin
ANGELO I located the guns
FAT SAM Spill then snake eyes, spill
ANGELO You know the Hung Fu Laundry?
FAT SAM On East 13th Street?
ANGELO That’s it. 2nd Floor, behind the laundry.
FAT SAM Good work Angelo, you go and tell the rest of the boys and get your selves over there pronto, I wanna know what’s going on in that place!
ANGELO Hay Dan, it’s Angelo, I spoke to Fat Sam, and he fell for it!
DAN Good work, you’ve earned your place in this group. Sam’s boys are in for quite a party.
(Dan’s group on, hide in behind tables and walls and things, shh each other etc.

Sam’s gang in and start looking round etc)
CHARLIE Got you! FIRE!!
(Dan’s gang jump out and splurge Knuckles,

he falls to the ground Louis and Angelo escape. )

DAN Sorry Knuckles, but you should never trust a gangster! Take him away
(Gang on and carry off snake eyes and Louis)
LOUELLA Yuck what a mess!
DAN Just a day’s work my rose, just a day’s work!
LOUELLA Sam ain’t gonna like this one little bit!
DAN He ain’t gonna be able to do nothing about it though, soon he’ll be throwin’ in the towel.

SCENE 8
FAT SAM WHAT! I don’t believe it! Another two of them gone, not knuckles, not snake eyes NOOO!
LOUIS What we gonna do boss, there’s only the two of us left.
ANGELO Yeah boss, they’re taking us out one by one!
FAT SAM Nothing, we do nothing! We act like is everything ok, like nothings happened. Carry on as normal, “Tutto casa sono buono”.
LOUIS Umm, what does that mean boss?
FAT SAM You don’t speak Italian?
L/A No boss!
FAT SAM You call yourselves gangsters and you don’t even speak Italian?
L/A No boss!
FAT Just play it cool boys, that’s what it means, just play, it, cool!
(Knock on the door, boys jump out of their skins; Boys go to see who it is)
LOUIS It’s that broad about her audition again.
ANGELO He’s busy lady, come back tomorrow!
FAT SAM No wait honey! (turns to boys) We need to act normal remember!

We’ll be right there honey, make yourself comfortable, we’ll be down in a minute. (To boys) See just like I said, normal! We need some help boys, some serious help, we need a specialist.


LOUIS A Doctor boss?
FAT SAM NO! Not a doctor you dummie, a hoodlum and a gang.
(Bug, Leroy, Cagey Joe, Jo, Tillie, Loretta, Fizzy all girls all down stairs cleaning etc)
DOWN AND OUT (Bug, Leroy, CJ, Jo, Fizzy, Tillie, Loretta, Velma, Bonny)

Down, down, down, down, down, down, down and out

Down, down, down, down, down, down, down and out
Down, down, down, down, down, down, down and out
Down, down, down, down, down, down, down and out

You don't have to sit around


Complaining 'bout the way your life has wound up
Think of all the time you waste
And time's a precious thing to let go by

Sure you've hit the bottom


But remember you'll be building from the ground up
Ev'ry day's another step
That takes you even closer to the sky, so give a try

Down, down, down, down, down, down, down and out


Down, down, down, down, down, down, down and out

You don't have to sit around


Depressed about the way that luck deceived you
Fortune sailed away, you missed that boat
And found that you'd been left behind
Fight and fight some more
Until you know the world is ready to receive you
Lady luck's a fickle bird
But a lady is allowed to change her mind

You don't have to sit around


Complaining 'bout the way your life has wound up
So be a man you know you can't be certain
That you'll lose until you try
You don't have to sit around
Complaining 'bout the way your life has wound up
So be a man you know you can't be certain
That you'll lose until you try, so give it a try

We are marching up, up, up and out

(Repeat and fade)
BUG So guys, Fat Sam needs our help, he needs a gang. Are you up for it?
ALL Yeah, we’ll help you, were in etc . . .
BUG Then let’s go,
FAT SAM Thank you guys, you’ve saved our bacon, now we need a plan, everyone think . . . .

FAT SAM Got it, we a arrange a meeting with Dandy Dan, Angelo and Louis you’ll be in the bar with me and Bug C and your gang will be hiding around the corner ready to pounce.

Oh hello! Is that Dandy Dan’s residence? Could I speak to himself please? This is Sam Stacetto. Don’t worry about what it’s about, he’ll know me.

DAN Hello! Oh hello Sam, what can I do for you?
FAT SAM I want to meet you Dan, to do some talking.
DAN Where?
FAT SAM The club?
DAN Yeah ok Sam, you're on, but you come alone, no gangs, though, you come on your own!
FAT SAM No gangs Dan, you have my word.

What’s he talking about don’t bring your gang, he’s wiped out all my gang!

Just you and me
DAN Agreed (Both put phone down together)

Got him, the knucklehead!


FAT SAM Got him, the big salami!
(Bug, Leroy, cagey Joe, Jo, Tillie, Loretta, Molly, Fizzy all cleaning etc)
SCENE 9
BUG Hi guys.
All Hi Bugsy!
BUG How you doing? Still practicing?
FIZ Yeah, still practising!
MOLLY You know us, Bug all work no play!
BUG Have you guys seen Blousey? I thought she was here for her audition?
TILLIE Oh yeah, she was here, but she went to get some air.
LORETTA Yeah, she got tired of waiting!
JO But she's left her bag, so I guess she's coming back!
(Tallulah enters with the dancers/singers Velma, Bonny, Tilly & Olivia)
TALL Suddenly everyone wants to be in show business!
BUG Oh, hi Tallulah, hi girls!
GIRLS Hi Bugsy!
LEROY Sam's busy Bugsy, why don’t you have a drink while your waiting?
TALL Ok girls, time to rehearse!
VELMA Oh come on Tallulah!
BONNY Yeah Tallulah we've been rehearsing all morning!
OLIVIA Yeah and my feet are killing me
TALL I said beat it!
OLIVIA Sometimes she can be such a cow! (All girls exit)
TALL You know what I think of you Bugsy; I've always found you kind of . . . special.
BUG Careful Tallulah.
TALL Come on Bugsy, give a girl a break
BUG You sure you got the right guy?
TALL Come on Bugsy, how about smearing my lipstick?

(As she's leaning closer for a kiss Blousey enters and sees them. FS's gang & FS enter)

BUG Oh um hi Blousey I has just looking for you?
TALL Where were you looking? In Tallulah's mouth? Hush your mouth I'm only here to sing.
FAT SAM Ok honey, I'm all ears.

I'm Feeling Fine (Blousy) (Tillie, Loretta, Mollie backing)
I'm feeling fine
filled with emotions
stronger than wine
they give me the notion
that this strange new feeling
is something that your feeling too
matter of fact
I’m forced to admit it
caught in the act
and maybe we've hit it
is this strange new feeling
something that your feeling too

Chorus
if this is love its a rhapsody


I’m gonna sing it like a song
and if you're singing it back to me
forget about sophistication
keep it simple
that’s my style

**love at its best


a pleasure to make it
a chance that I’ve test
I’m willing to take it
if this strange new feeling
is something that you're feeling too

repeat chorus

repeat **

FAT SAM Ok honey I've heard enough, you’re hired. Let's go guys




SCENE 10
BUG That was great Blousey, really great. Are you mad 'cause of Tallulah? I can explain everything . . . Blousey! Blousey!
LOUIS Hay Bugsy, can you come up here a minute, Fat Sam wants a word.
FAT SAM I need you and your guys do to a job for me Bugsy, you wanna earn yourself some extra dosh Bugsy?
BUG Doing what? Something dodgy no doubt?
ANG No, no nothing like that Bugsy, don’t worry we just need some bodies that’s all, nothing dodgy at all!
BUG Everything's dodgy with you Sam! But yeah, I'm on board, so what we gotta do?
FAT SAM Well Bugsy . . .
BUGSY MALONE (All)
He's a sinner
Candy-coated
For all his friends

He always seems to be alone

But they love him
Bugsy Malone

A city slicker


He can charm you
With a smile and a style all his own
Everybody loves that man
Bugsy Malone

Hot-headed Bugsy makes his mind up


Don't mess with Bugsy or you'll wind up
Wishing you'd left well enough alone
He's a man, a mountain
He's a rolling stone

And will he leave you


Sad and lonely, crying
I couldn't say, but it's known
That everybody wants that man
Bugsy Malone

(Singers sing song round mic, all gangs sorting themselves out etc, getting silly string ready)

SCENE 11
DAN So, what can I do for you then Sam?
FAT SAM How about some straight talking Dan?
LOUIS You guys have been taking liberties
CHARLIE We've been taking what's ours
ANGELO Trouble is, it belongs to us
BENNY LEE Too bad, possession is nine tenths of the law
KNUCKLES Now hang on a minute; we need to talk this all out sensibly.
YONKERS You're in the wrong gang Jo, why you wanna be with this dime a dozen gangster!
FAT SAM You button your lip Yonkers! I have to be shown some respect!
DAN Zip your lip Sam, nobody talks to my boys like that!
BUG Well tell them to keep their wise cracks to themselves!
FAT SAM Ok enough with this, guys let them have it!
DAN It's a double cross! Let them have it guys!
(Bugsy grabs Sam's arm and they run up the aisle, the rest of the guys splurge each other)
BUG Never again Sam, never again!
WE COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING
We could've been anything
That we wanted to be
And it's not too late to change
I'd be delighted to give it some thought
May-be you'll agree that we really ought

Two, three, four

We could've been anything

That we wanted to be
Yes, that decision was ours
It's been decided we're weaker divided
Let friendship double up our powers
We could've been anything
That we wanted to be
And I'm not saying that we should
But if we try it, we'd learn to abide it
We could be the best at bein' good guys

Flowers of the earth


Who can even guess how much
A real friend is worth?
Good guys, shake an open hand
May-be trusting
If we try to understand
No doubt about it
It must be worthwhile
Good friends do tend to make you smile

We could've been anything


That we wanted to be
Yes, that decision is ours
It's been decided we're weaker divided
Let friendship double our powers

You give a little love


And it all comes back to you
(Da da da ra da da da)
You know you gonna be remembered
For the things you say and do
(Da da da ra da da da)
You give a little love
And it all comes back to you
(Da da da ra da da da)
You know you gonna be remembered
For the things you say and do
(Da da da ra da da da)
(Repeat and fade)

__________________________________ACT 2___________________________________
SCENE 12
MY NAME IS TALLULAH (Tallulah & girls)
My name is Tallulah
My first rule of thumb
I don't say were I'm going
Or where I'm coming from
I try to leave a little reputation behind me
So if you really need to
You'll know how to find me

My name is Tallulah


I live till I die
I'll take what you give me
And I won't ask why
I made a lot of friends

In some exotic places

I don't remember names
But I remember faces

Lonelyyyy


You don't have to be lonely
Come and see Tallulah
we can chase your troubles away (ohhh)
If your lonely
You don't have to be lonely
When they talk about Tallulah
You know what they say
Know one south of heaven's gonna treat you finer
Tallulah had her training in North Carolina

My name is Tallulah


and soon I'll be gone
an open invitation is, the road I'll travel on
I never say goodbye because the words upset me
you may for give my going
but you won't for get me

OLIVIA So Blousey, how things going with Bugsy?


BLOUSEY Ok I think, he apologised about Tallulah, we all know what she's like. I'm meeting him in a minute actually; apparently he's just done a job for Fat Sam and got himself 200 dollars so he's treating me to dinner.
MOLLIE Well I'm giving up on guys, they're nothing but trouble. From now on, I'm looking for a husband.
BONNY Yeah me too, I ain't getting too attached, I'm gonna change guys regularly, like a library book.
VELMA Hay guys, what do you think? Do you think I look cute? What do you think of my skirt?
SOPHIE Well, um, I don’t know it's um . . .
VELMA Daisy what do you think?
DAISY Um well I'm not sure, maybe the colours wrong?
TALLULAH I think it's cute, it matches the colour of the veins in your legs!
FIZZY Nice Tallulah! Maybe it's the length?
RACHEL That's the latest length, I read it in a magazine.
FLO Maybe it's the frills; they do stick out a bit!
LORETTA Yeah, they stick out like your ears!
OLIVIA Oh so you think it'll look better on you do you?
MOLLIE It'll look better on a horse!
VELMA You're just jealous! Can I help it if my looks are ahead of my time?

TILLIE They're what?

VELMA Full of personality and character, kind of earthy . . .
TALL Yeah like a bucket of mud!
BLOUSEY Well girls as much as I would like to stay and chat, I gotta go.
FLO Where you going Blousey?
BLOUSEY Can you keep a secret? I'm meeting Bugsy, he got $200 from Fat Sam for doing some job for him and he's bought us tickets for the train to Hollywood, were going together Flo, and I'm gonna get my dream, I'm gonna sing on Broadway, I'm gonna be a star and all that with Bugsy by my side!

oHollHHoll




REPRISE - I'M FEELING FINE (Blousey)
I'm feeling fine
filled with emotions
stronger than wine
they give me the notion
that this strange new feeling
is something that your feeling too
matter of fact
I’m forced to admit it
caught in the act
and maybe we've hit it
is this strange new feeling
something that your feeling too


SCENE 13
(Bugsy enter walks along in the dark, when three hoodies jump out and start beating him up, Leroy enters and sees what they are doing and goes in to help,

he scares them off and picks up Bugsy)
LEROY You ok Mr?
BUG Yeah I’ll be fine. You sure showed those guys, you must be a boxer?

LEROY Me? Nope!


BUG You're not? That's the best punching I've ever seen!
LEROY Ahh, that was nothing!
LORETTA Hay Bugs you ok we heard you got jumped?
BUG Yeah guys I'm fine. So have you ever thought have taking it up? I mean professionally, getting a coach and training.
LEROY Nope
TILLIE Why not, from what I've heard you could be a champion.
LEROY Nope. Never thought about it
BUG Well we know someone that could help you, you know Cagey Joe?

LORETTA We'll he just about everything you need to know about boxing and . . .

BUG Put it there Leroy, you've just got yourself a manager.
(Cagey Joe and boys enter with gloves on etc)
CJOE Hay Bugsy, you ok?
BUG YEAH I'm fine! Joe I want you to meet the next heavyweight champion Leroy smith.
CJOE Soooo, ever been in the ring before boy?
LEROY Nope!
CJOE So you wanna be fighter then?
LEROY Er nope!
TILLIE Sure he does. Look at those hands! Come on Leroy show us what you can do
(Leroy hits pads etc, Cagey Joe looks pleased)
CJOE Ok Bugsy, I'll give him a try. But I tell you now; he'll be no good unless he's got 'it'.
BONNY "IT"? What's "it"?
BUG "IT" is the difference between being a no-hoper slugger and being a champion.
CJOE It's what makes a fighter special. If you haven’t got it, you just haven’t got it!

SO YOU WANNA BE A BOXER (Leroy, Jo, Bug, CJ)
So you wanna be a boxer
In the golden ring
Can you punch like a south-bound freight train
Tell me just one thing

Can you move in a whirl like a humming bird's wing


If you need to
you weave
Can you fake, and deceive when you need to?

Well, you might as well quit


If you haven't got it

So you wanna be a boxer


Can you pass the test?
I can tell you've got it in you
I've trained the best

When you work and you sweat


And you bet that you train to a buzz-saw
Then you near lose your mind
When you find that your boy has a glass jaw

So you might as well quit


If you haven't got it.

Putting him in the ring, Joe


Look at what you found
We can use the fun, Joe
Pushing him around

Well show him the ropes


And destroy his hopes

Put him in the ring, Joe


Give the guy a chance
Let him feel the sting, Joe

We can make him dance

We'll pulp him to bits

Then he'll call it quits for sure, Joe

So you wanna be a boxer


Wanna be the champ
There's a golden boy inside you
Not a punched-out tramp

If you listen and you learn


There's an honor you can earn and defend here
When you do see the crown
You're a king not a clown
A contender

But you might as well quit


If you haven't got it

Put him in the ring, Joe


Something new to punch
Let me have a swing, Joe
Then we'll go to lunch

We'll make it quite swift


Then he'll get the drift

Put him in the ring, Joe


Chicken a la carte
Let me have a wing, Joe
Tearing him apart
That chicken will crow

Let me have him Joe




SCENE 14
FAT SAM That's the whole empire gone Tallulah, you hear me? Everything! And they'll be coming here next to take the club. There's only one thing I can do. I gotta get him back!
TALL Who? Get who back?
FAT SAM No you dumb Dora, Bug C Malone. Call him.
TALL No answer honey.
FAT SAM Well then you gotta go and talk to him, poysonally!
TALL Poysonally?
FAT SAM POYSONALLY!
TALL Poysonally! So long Sammy
(Bugsy downstairs waiting for Blousey)
TALL Hi Bugsy
BUG Blousey! Oh it's you. What you doing here Tallulah?
TALL Nice to see you to Bug C! I got a message for you!
BUG Oh yeah from who?
TALL Don’t worry it ain't from me! It's Fat Sam who wants to see you not me!
BUG I can't go, I'm waiting for someone.
TALL You are?
BUG Blousey, we're going to Hollywood, we're gonna make her a star.
TALL Look Bugs, that sounds swell, but you need dough to get to Hollywood and Fat Sam needs you, and I'm sure he'll make it worth your while!
BUG Ok then let's go.

(Fat Sam skids/falls on a wet floor as she comes down stairs to meet Bug & Tall)



SCENE 15
(Fat Sam enters and falls over on the wet floor)
FIZZY Careful Boss, that floor's wet!
FAT SAM You stupid broom-pushing no-good hoofer. I'll break that mop over your head! You . . . You . . .

Oh hi Bugsy. Glad you could make it. How you been?


BUG Fine Sam, and you?
FAT SAM Oh, a little difficult at the minute Bugsy, why don’t you pull up a chair and sit down? Tallulah honey . . . go fix your make up.
TALL I've already fixed it
FAT SAM Then go make yourself even more beautiful then you already are.
TALL But you know that’s impossible!
FAT SAM TALLULAH!
TALL Ok ok, I'll go an' manicure my gloves!

(Phone rings Tallulah answers it)


TALL Bugsy, it's for you, it's Blousey!
BUG Excuse me a minute Sam

Hello Blousey.


BLOU Bugsy, where are you? We said 8.30 and you’re already half an hour late!
BUG Sorry Blousy, but something's come up, some business.
BLOU Oh yeah, with Tallulah! Anyway did you get the tickets?
BUG Er, no, I told you Blousey something's come up.
BLOU You promised me Bugsy, you promised!
BUG I know Blousey, but this can't wait, and Hollywood can.
BLOU I don’t know why I ever trusted you Bugsy Malone, you’re a liar and a joke and I don’t ever wanna see you again.
(Blousey slams down the phone and shouts, then sits down on suitcase and sings)
ORDINARY FOOL (Blousey & Louella, Tallulah)
Only a fool
Like fools before me
I always think with my heart
Only a fool
That same old story
Seems I was born for the part

It's a lesson that I've learnt


And a page I should have turned
I shouldn't cry
But I do

Like an ordinary fool

When her ordinary dreams
Fall through

How many times


Have I mistaken
Good looks and lies
For bad news?
How many times
Have I mistaken
Love songs and laughs
For the blues?

When a road I've walked before


Ends alone at my front door
I shouldn't cry
But I do
Like an ordinary fool
When her ordinary dreams
Fall through

It's a lesson that I've learnt


And a page I should have turned
I shouldn't cry
But I do
Like an ordinary fool
When her ordinary dreams
Fall through
Scene 16
BUG Leroy, Jo, Cagey wake up. Come on Leroy get up!
LEROY Who is that?
JO Oh it's you Bugsy, what can we do for you?
BUG Come with me boys, I got you a job.
LEROY You got me a fight already Bugsy?
BUG Not quite Leroy, this is a, different kind of job
JO But were tied Bugsy, we been up 'till late training, come back in the morning.
BUG It'll be too late in the morning boys, we gotta go now. We gotta do a job for Fat Sam, hitting Dandy Dan where it hurts . . . . and there's $200 dollars in it for you!
JO Well why didn’t you say so! Come on boys we got a job to do!
Scene 17
(Daddy Dan with gang by SR door in huddle planning what to do.

FS and Bug gangs, dancers etc all frozen in club)

DANDY Right boys, this is it, the end of the war, the final chapter. This is the big one!


GANG Yeah the big one!
DD The shakedown
GANG The shakedown!
DD This is the final dance
GANG The final dance!
DD It's gotta be quick, it's gotta be neat and it's gotta be good
GANG (All in different order repeat above lines)

LOUELLE Enough!!! You idiots, stop repeating everything he says and just listen! So what's the plan then honey, I wanna get on that stage and sing, it's my turn!

DD I know honey, I know, and you'll be there, very soon I promise!

Anyway you shouldn’t have any troubles, just Sam and a few dancing girls!

Now remember when you get in there, just keep on spraying, I don’t want anyone left!
YONKERS Three cheers for Dandy Dan. Hip hip hooray
DD Too kind boys, too kind. Now, for Fat Slams Grand Slam! (Exit SR to FOH)


(In club lots of activity people finding hiding places and setting cans etc ready for the attack)
FAT SAM Right guys, into your positions, this has got to look authentic, just like a normal night at the best club in town!
BUG Blousey, are you gonna get in your position or am I gonna have to take someone else to Hollywood!
BLOUSEY Hollywood! You got the tickets Bugsy?
BUG Two tickets to Hollywood leaving first thing!
LORETTA They're here guys! There here!
FS Places everyone; this is gonna be a show to remember!
(Girls perform song, everyone else as customers or staff etc)
FAT SAM'S GRAND SLAM - (Girls)
Anybody who is anybody will soon walk through that door
at Fat Sam's Grand Slam Speakeasy
always able to find you a table there's room for just one more
at Fat Sam's Grand Slam Speaskeasy

Once you get here feel the good cheer


like they say in the poem
Fat Sam's ain't humble
but it's your home sweet home
plans are made here,
games are played here
I could write me a book
each night astounds you
rumors are a-buzzin
stories by the dozen
look around your cousin at the news we're making here.

Anybody who is anybody will soon walk through that door


at Fat Sam's Grand Slam Speakeasy

(instrumental)

da da da da da da
da da da da da da
da da da da da da da

ooh yeah ooh yeah da da da da da da da

see the politician

sitting by the kitchen
said he caught his fingers
in the well he was wishing in

Once you get here


feel the good cheer
like they say in the poem
Fat Sam's ain't humble but its your home sweet home
plans are made here
games are played here
I could write me a book
each night astounds you
rumors are a-buzzin
stories by the dozen
look around your cousin at the news we're making here

Anybody who is anybody will soon walk through that door


at Fat Sam's Grand Slam Speakeasy!
(Part way through the song DD's gang burst in)
DD Ok everybody freeze! (girls scream and run away)
FS Ok guys, let 'em have it!
(Chaos breaks out, everyone splats each other and everyone ends up covered, the first notes

of ‘you give a little love’ are played and people begin to join in, then all.
YOU GIVE A LITTLE LOVE (All)

We could've been anything


That we wanted to be
And it's not too late to change
I'd be delighted to give it some thought
May-be you'll agree that we really ought
Two, three, four

We could've been anything


That we wanted to be
Yes, that decision was ours
It's been decided we're weaker divided
Let friendship double up our powers
We could've been anything
That we wanted to be
And I'm not saying that we should
But if we try it, we'd learn to abide it
We could be the best at bein' good guys

Flowers of the earth


Who can even guess how much
A real friend is worth?
Good guys, shake an open hand
May-be trusting
If we try to understand
No doubt about it
It must be worthwhile
Good friends do tend to make you smile

We could've been anything


That we wanted to be
Yes, that decision is ours

It's been decided we're weaker divided

Let friendship double our powers

You give a little love


And it all comes back to you
(Da da da ra da da da)
You know you gonna be remembered
For the things you say and do
(Da da da ra da da da)
You give a little love
And it all comes back to you
(Da da da ra da da da)
You know you gonna be remembered
For the things you say and do
(Da da da ra da da da) emily cave rules
(Repeat and fade)
SCOOP We interrupt this song to bring you the final development on the war of Fat Sam Versus Dandy Dan. As you can see from the devastation Dandy Dan has invade the Grand Slam Club and by the scene around me I would say that Fat Sam's gang were ready to great him! And after all this warring I would say I can officially announce the victor is . . . no one, it's a draw boy's, it's over, you're even!
FIZZY Well that sounds like a reason to celebrate!
FINAL VERSE - YOU GIVE A LITTLE LOVE (All)

You give a little love


And it all comes back to you
(Da da da ra da da da)
You know you gonna be remembered
For the things you say and do
(Da da da ra da da da)
You give a little love
And it all comes back to you
(Da da da ra da da da)
You know you gonna be remembered
For the things you say and do
(Da da da ra da da da) emily cave rules
(Repeat and fade)

These are the characters, as you can see a couple are doubled up, the boys parts are from Bugsy – Yonkers and the girls from Blousy – Flo/Franie




Bugsy

Leroy

Cagey Joe

Fat Sam

Knuckles


Angelo

Louis

Dandy Dan

Charlie

Benny Lee

Yonkers

Blousy

Tallulah

Louella

Lena & Fizzy

Tillie

Loretta

Mollie

Velma

Bonny

Olivia

Sophie/Scoop

Daisy/ O’Dreary

Rachel/Roxy

Flo/Franie






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