Stage Direction and Extra Gags by Heather Walker Version 2 05/02/05



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EVA: The Musical

by Phil Lee

Stage Direction and Extra Gags by Heather Walker

Version 1.2 05/02/05

Source Material: http://www.unc.edu/coup/eva/

CAST
SHINJI

ASUKA


REI

MISATO


RITSUKO

MAKOTO


GENDOU

KAJI


ANGEL

ANGEL 2


MINION

TEACHER


FANBOY
SCENE 1
[Crew directions: Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL, set Tokyo-3 backdrop. Each brings up some buildings and places them all across US. Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL.]
Lights up.
[Scene:Tokyo-3 backdrop and a few (cardboard) buildings upstage. MINION enters SL to CS with a placard warning the audience that "This Musical Contains Spoilers. Rated PG." After giving the audience time to read, MINION exits SR as SHINJI enters SL.]
Track 1 begins.
SHINJI: [Looking around, anxious, excited]

I was alone and suicidally lonely

'Til my dad said, "Yo! Downtown!" [moves CS]

Though I had been abandoned my precence is demanded

So I've gotta go - downtown!

After sending me away so I won't be a bother

Suddenly I'm summoned by my cold and distant father

Oh, what the hell. [moves DS]


How much trouble could I get in?

It sure beats sitting and playing with my violin.

I'll go downtown! Just how bad could it be?

Downtown! Someone there might love me.

Downtown! Shinji is coming for you! [throws arms out flamboyantly]
[MISATO enters SR to DS to SHINJI's right, "driving" with steering wheel in hand.]

MISATO:

My name's Misato, just hop into my auto

And we'll head into - downtown.

I'm here with orders to take you to headquarters

Where there's lots to do - downtown.

The reason why we brought you here will come as quite a shocker.

You'll get a clue as soon as you stop staring at my knockers


[MISATO gets SHINJI's attention from her chest.]

Let's hit the road.


[Begin “driving” around stage: from CS to DSL to USL to CS.]
Everyone is waiting there,

You can meet up with your father...


[ANGEL enters SR, shambling amongst the buildings USR.]
SHINJI: [pointing, horrified]

What's that thing over there!?


[ANGEL takes a step toward them, they drive DSR.]
MISATO:

Let's go downtown! They've got a petting zoo! [points to ANGEL]

Downtown! Didn't your pop tell you?

Downtown! It's time for monster-ful now! [MISATO throws wheel]


[Instrumental break. As action goes on, all three break to face audience and enthusiastically sing, "Downtown!" MISATO and SHINJI bolt US to hide behind two buildings. ANGEL closes on SHINJI, but MISATO comes out from behind her building, taps ANGEL on the right shoulder, confusing him, and ducks to the left, grabbing SHINJI from behind the building. MISATO drags SHINJI to DSR and they crouch/bend down low as if still hiding. ANGEL continues looking around the buildings for his prey. They break to face audience and sing another, “Downtown!”]
MISATO:

It's good to find you're of a mind to go and meet that critter.

I'm sure you two will be good friends - try not to look so bitter.

Now come along. [MISATO stands and lifts SHINJI, who is unwilling to move and gently pulls back.]


It's time to go stop that thing

Though you look kinda scrawny and not much for fighting.

We'll go downtown! Try not to have a cow. [SHINJI shrinks back.]

Downtown! Don't curl up fetal now!

Downtown! Destiny's waiting for you!

[MISATO pushes SHINJI and exit SR. ANGEL jazz-hands his way across stage to exit SL, singing "Downtown, downtown..." as song fades until he exits.]

Track 1 fade to off.

Lights down.
SCENE 2
[Crew directions: Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL, placing NERV backdrop and removing the buildings from US. Crew Right removes steering wheel. Crew Left brings up folding chair for MAKOTO and places it far DSL. Crew Right brings up folding chair for MINION and places it far DSR. Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL.]
Actors take places.
Lights up.
[Scene: NERV backdrop and two chairs seating MAKOTO DSL and MINION DSR who are acting busy and facing the audience as if it were a monitor. RITSUKO stands DSR, occasionally writing things in her notepad, reaching up to touch the "screen." MISATO and SHINJI enter SR and cross behind RITSUKO, MINION, and MAKOTO as they say their opening lines, ending up at SL.]
MISATO: And here we are in NERV's beautiful, underground world headquarters!
SHINJI: Um...exactly what is NERV?
MISATO: It's like the Mickey Mouse Club, only better.
SHINJI: That explains all the singing. Does this make you Annette?
MISATO: [Showing off her chest] Yes, only better. And here's the man in charge of our happy bunch!
[GENDOU enters SR, ending up between and slightly behind RITSUKO and MINION.]
RITSUKO, MINION, MAKOTO, MISATO (or CAST):

Who's the leader of the gig to save humanity?

G-E-N! D-O-U! I-K-A-R-E!
GENDOU: That's I-K-A-R-I you idiots.
SHINJI: Father.
GENDOU: Son. [pause for a moment then begin again enthusiastically] Shinji! Long time no se! How's it going? [continue next line without hearing SHINJI's repsonse]
SHINJI: Well...
[Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL, rush up from either side of stage and place backdrop of EVA unit. Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL.]

GENDOU: Great, that's really great. [puts his arm around SHINJI, conspiratorilly...is that a word?] Listen, how about doing your old man a favor by getting in that big ol' robot [points dramatically behind toward backdrop] and fighting off the thing that's tearing up the city, eh?

SHINJI: What!? [pulls back, upset]
[RITSUKO turns to action, becoming interested.]
GENDOU: Trust me, it'll only take a few minutes. Jump in the mecha, go beat up the angel - why, you'll be right back home again just in time for dinner!
RITSUKO: [taking a step toward CS] Sir, I object! Your son has no training whatsoever and you want to send him out to fight an angel?
GENDOU: Well it's him or Rei.
[REI enters SR, limping and helped onto stage by Crew Right. They dump her by MINION, DS, where she collapses. Crew Right exits SR.]
REI: Hai...
RITSUKO: Good point. Shinji, get in the EVA. [goes back to work writing in her pad, DSR]
SHINJI: Hold on just a minute. Why on earth would you drag a random kid in from off the street and put him in charge of piloting a giant robot?
GENDOU: Because I enjoy torturing teenagers.
SHINJI: ...really?
GENDOU: [laughing a bit too heartily] Oh no, no, not at all! [more laughter] No, of course not. [chuckles] The thought never rossed my mind. Right, Ritsuko?
RITSUKO: [gives REI a swift kick, laughing] Of course not sir.
REI: Hai.
SHINJI: Okay, but I still don't understand. Why me?
Track 2
[GENDOU puts his arm around SHINJI, CS. MISATO stands back to DSL. MISATO, RITSUKO, MAKOTO and MINION bop back and forth with music.]
GENDOU:

[spoken] You see Shinji,
In this world, don’t know why,

Monsters drop from the sky

Someone’s got to turn them to goo

You’ve got to fight an angel or two.


You’ve got to fight an angel or two, boys,

You’ve got to fight an angel or two!

CAST: [RITSUKO and MISATO lean forward toward audience]

We don’t want you turned to goo.

You’ve got to fight an angel or two!

GENDOU:
Tanks and such just don’t work [ANGEL enters SR, sneaking to USL.]

Angels have their little quirks

To make them yield use your AT-Field [At USL, ANGEL makes a face and shakes ass]

To go and fight an angel or two! [ANGEL exit SL]


You’ve got to fight an angel or two, boys.

You’ve got to fight an angel or two!


CAST:

They weild their own AT-Field.

So go and fight an angel or two!
GENDOU:

We would fight if we could

But, alas, it’s just no good. [RITSUKO and MISATO lean in and shake finger]

If you aren’t fifteen then no machine [GENDOU motions back to EVA backdrop]

Will let you fight an angel or two.
You’ve got to fight an angel or two, boys.

You’ve got to fight an angel or two!


CAST:

We aren’t keen to force a teen,

But help us fight an angel or two!
GENDOU:

If we don’t stop them soon,

Everyone on Earth is doomed.

Make up your mind to save mankind [GENDOU shakes SHINJI’s shoulders a bit]

And help us fight an angel or two.
You’ve got to fight an angel or two, boys. [GENDOU puts arm around SHINJI]

You’ve got to fight an angel or two!


Track 2 fade to off.
GENDOU: So how ‘bout it? [take SHINJI by the shoulders] Remember, it’s you or Rei.

Track 3



[REI struggles to get to her feet, gasping in pain. SHINJI sighs.]
Track 3 fade to off.
SHINJI: Alright, alright, I’ll pilot the Eva! But just this once, ok?
GENDOU: Sure, sure, no problem. Off you go! [shoves SHINJI SR]
[SHINJI exits SL. MISATO steps next to GENDOU.]

MISATO: Well, what do you think, sir?

GENDOU: We’re doomed.
[Off stage, SHINJI screams.]
GENDOU: Completely, utterly doomed.
REI: Hai.
Lights down.
SCENE 3

Part 1
[Crew directions: Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL and place NERV backdrop. Exit SR and SL.]


Actors take places.
Lights up.
[Scene: NERV Headquarters backdrop. Everyone in generic NERV HQ positions and looks bored. MISATO files her nails. MINION plays with a bounce ball. MAKOTO reads a book. RITSUKO looks stoic. GENDOU sits with his hands before his mouth. SHINJI enters SR and walks across to DSL.]
GENDOU: Ok, so we weren’t completely doomed. Well done, Shinji! And you only had to spend three days in the hospital!
SHINJI: [sitting on the edge of DSL, to right of MAKOTO, putting on his headphones] I hate you, Dad.
Track 4
MAKOTO: Sir! Another angel has appeared on the edge of the city!
GENDOU: Well, I guess we’ll have to do something about it, eh? Misato, who’s going after it?
Track 4 volume up.
[MISATO looks from REI to SHINJI. SHINJI bops his head along to the music, not paying attention.]
REI: Hai.
MISATO: [sighs and walks to SHINJI] Shinji, you’re up!
SHINJI: Hunh?
Track 4 volume up.
MISATO: [lifting his earphones] There’s another angel out there and you’re going to go fight it. [lets the earphones pop back against SHINJI’s ear, and turns to off-stage SL] HEY KEEP IT DOWN BACK THERE!
Track 4 off, no fade.
MISATO: That’s better. Hop to it, kid!
Track 5

[Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL. Crew Right brings up the plug suit, Crew Left brings out the changing sheet and flashlight. The sheet is held up as SHINJI changes behind it right there at DSL. The sheet has a picture of an EVA covering its naughty bits.]

Track 5 fade to off.
[As changing is taking place, ANGEL enters from back of house, walking up the center aisle slowly, until he is roughly halfway to the stage. When changing sheet comes down, SHINJI throws up a Sailor Moon pose. Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL, and SHINJI stands DS to confront ANGEL who now turns on his flashlight “laser” as does SHINJI.]
SHINJI: Alright, alright! Hey! You! This town isn’t beig enough for the both of --
[ANGEL “hits” SHINJI with his flashlight beam while making a zapping noise of some sort, and SHINJI screams, collapsing where he stands. RITSUKO rushes to SHINJI’s side and begins fanning him, checking his pulse, etc.]
GENDOU: [angry] What was that supposed to be?
RITSUKO: At a guess, first degree burns.
MISATO: Oh, they’ve got laser beams, now? Lovely.
RITSUKO: Not only that, but the angel has stopped just above us and is currently boring its way through our defenses!
[ANGEL approaches the front of the stage and begins drilling with a handheld drill at the stage for a bit.]
GENDOU: [hands before his mouth, in contemplation] How close can we get to this thing without it blasting us?
MISATO: Let’s find out. Oh, Shinji!
[Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL, lift SHINJI and frog-march him to DSR and hold him forward, and ANGEL hits SHINJI with his flashlight laser, eliciting a scream from SHINJI. Repeat for DSL. Crew Right and Left give up and drop SHINJI DS, where he collapses. Crew Right and Left exit SL.]
RITSUKO: Perhaps if he approached from the back of the room?
[SHINJI curls up fetal, whimpering]
RITSUKO: Come on you big baby! You’re not hurt! Walk it off!

MAKOTO: How about we get a really big laser gun, set it up outside the Angel’s defensive perimeter, feed it the entire power output of the convention -

MISATO: Country.
MAKOTO: ...Right. Country. And have Shinji blast the thing from far away while Rei shields him from retaliation?
[Everyone pauses a beat, looking around.]
GENDOU: I knew there was a reason we kept you around here. Operation Maybe We Won’t All Die Horribly...begin!
[GENDOU, RITSUKO, MINION exit SR. MISATO, MAKOTO exit SL.]

SCENE 3


Part 2
[Crew directions: Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL and place Tokyo-3 backdrop. Crew Right moves MINION’s chair just right of DS. Crew Left moves MAKOTO’s chair just left of DS. Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL.]
[Scene: Tokyo-3 backdrop. All cast except REI clears from the stage. REI sits in MINION’s chair. SHINJI stands, pained, and limps a little to MAKOTO’s chair.]
SHINJI: Um, hey there Rei. Mind if I join you?
REI: ...
SHINJI: Right. [sits down] Well...it’s just...I’ve barely said anything to you since I got here and I thought we should talk before our latest desperate attempt to save mankind.
REI: ...
SHINJI: I mean, it’s just that I’m really nervous. There’s a lot riding on this mission. What if I’m not up to it? Do you really think I can do this?
REI: [there is a pause before REI grabs SHINJI’s arm begins singing]
You’ll be swell! You’ll be great!

Gonna have the whole world on the plate!

Starting here, starting now,

Honey, everything’s coming up roses!


[REI jumps from her chair, facing the audience, singing with flamboyant hand gestures.]

Clear the decks! Clear the tracks!

[Crew Right and Left enter from SR and SL, wearing labcoats. RITSUKO enters SR, holding a syringe, tapping it.]

You’ve got nothing to do but relax!

[Crew holds REI down and RITSUKO “sticks” REI with the syringe, making REI trail off on the last few bars of the song.]

Blow a kiss. Take a bow.

Honey, every...thing’s...hai.

[Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL.]
RITSUKO: [standing right of REI] Sorry about that, Shinji. Sometimes her meds wear off. We’ll just let you get back to your conversation. [RITSUKO exits SR]
SHINJI: [pause] So...uh...like I said, do you think everything will be alright?
REI: Hai.
SHINJI: [unconvinced] Great.
MISATO: [entering briskly from SL] Right, the hopes and dreams of the entire planet are riding on your shoulders. [pats SHINJI’s shoulder].
[Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL. Crew Right brings trashcan lid and hands it to REI. Crew Left brings flashlight and hands it to SHINJI. Crew Right leaves with REI’s chair and Crew Left leaves with SHINJI’s chair. Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL.]
MISATO: No pressure! [begins walking off SL and calls over her shoulder] Hit it! [exit SL]
Lights down.
[SHINJI shines his flashlight at ANGEL and makes zap noise, who shines right back making zap noise. REI blocks ANGEL’s light with her shield. ANGEL drops his octagon prop blandly and exits back of House. REI collapses.]
Lights up.
GENDOU: [enter SR to REI] Great work, guys!
SHINJI: Uh, is she going to be alright?
[REI sits up.]
GENDOU: Don't worry, Shinji. [hands on his belt or runs a hand through his hair, sleezily] Doctor Gendou's special medicine will fix

her right up.


SHINJI: [pause] Um.
[REI stands, mechanically.]
GENDOU: You know, I'm really proud of you Shinji.
SHINJI: Really? Do you mean it?
GENDOU: No, not really. Come on, Rei! [arm around REI]
[REI and GENDOU exit SR. SHINJI looks like someone kicked him in the teeth.]
Lights down.
SCENE 4

[Crew directions: Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL and place Battleship backdrop. Crew Right removes Rei’s shield. Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL.]

Actors take places.

Lights up.

Track 6.
[Scene: Battleship backdrop. MISATO and SHINJI stand CS, looking out to the audience as if looking out to sea. MISATO holds a pair of binoculars. SHINJI’s arms are folded, doesn’t want to be there. REI stands DSR, eating popcorn, oblivious to her surroundings.]
SHINJI: Why are we here again?

Track 6 fade to off.
MISATO: The German branch of NERV is sending over our latest monster

killing machine. Oh, and a giant robot, too.


[ASUKA enters SR and walks between SHINJI and MISATO, pushing SHINJI out of the way.]
ASUKA: [to MISATO] Don't worry, it also kills monsters. Guten tag! I'm Asuka Langley Soryu!
SHINJI: Gesundheit.
ASUKA: [turning to SHINJI, snidely] That's my line. [reaches to shake his hand] Are you a fellow Eva pilot?
MISATO: That depends on what you mean by "pilot".
ASUKA: Flailing wildly about and causing massive amounts of

collateral damage with a giant robot?


MISATO: That sounds about right.
[KAJI enters SR and MISATO takes a small step toward SL in disgust, making room for him to stand next to her.]
KAJI: [as he enters] And if there's anyone here who knows about flailing wildly, it's Misato.
MISATO: Oh, god, not you.
KAJI: Howdy, babe.
MISATO: [sighing loudly] Guys, meet my ex-boyfriend, Kaji Ryoji.
SHINJI: [reaching in front of ASUKA, offering a hand to shake] Hello Mr. Ryoji, my name's Shinji...
KAJI: [cuts SHINJI off] Go away, kid, you bother me. [turns back to MISATO]
SHINJI: [snaps hand back] Yes sir, Mr. Ryoji!

KAJI: [leaning left elbow on MISATO’s right shoulder] So...doing anything later tonight?

SHINJI: [leans in front of ASUKA, hands clasped] I'm free!
KAJI: [makes a shooing motion with free hand] Not you, kid.
ASUKA: [grabs KAJI around the waist] If Kaji's going to hook up with any teenagers around here, it's going to be me.
MISATO: What in the hell are you doing here?
[MISATO leans away just enough so that KAJI falls a little toward SL, forcing ASUKA to pull down KAJI’s pants, revealing leopard print boxers.]
KAJI: [quickly pulling up boxers] Gendou hired me to do a few odd jobs for NERV.
MISATO: Such as?
KAJI: For starters, bugging the hell out of you.
MISATO: By dating fifteen year olds?
KAJI: [should have his pants up by now] No, that's just a hobby. [half-step forward to look at REI] You wouldn't happen to be fifteen, would you?
REI: Hai.
KAJI: Fantastic! Want to go out for dinner sometime?
REI: Hai.
KAJI: Now that's my kind of woman.
MISATO: [furious, stamps foot] Kaji!
KAJI: [back to MISATO] No, seriously, I'm here to keep an eye on the new Eva and help out if anything should happen. [folds arms, nodding, self-satisfied]
[ANGEL enters USR, jumping out at REI]
ANGEL: [I’m-gonna-get-you motions] Grr Arg! [ala production closing credits in Buffy/Angel/Firefly shows]
KAJI: And by "help out," I mean, "run for it." Later, guys.
[KAJI exits SR, running]
MISATO: Aw, not again.
Track 4, loud.
EVERYONE: [except REI] STOP THAT!
Track 4 off, no fade.
SHINJI: I hope you don't expect me to fight that thing without an Eva handy!
[Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL. Crew Right takes REI’s popcorn. Crew Left takes MISATO’s binoculars. Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL.]

ASUKA: [as Crew moves] Who said anything about you?

Track 7.
[ASUKA steps DS, facing audience, singing with flamboyant hand gestures, all smiles. Others form a line behind her, snapping their fingers and bopping their hips, ala West Side Story. SL to SR, order is as follows: MISATO, ANGEL, REI, SHINJI.]
ASUKA:

Times have changed

And humanity's fighting back,

Since Antarctica got a smack, [beat, then everyone claps once]

When we endured Second Impact.
If today,

Our fair planet God would condemn,

Instead of causing the Third Impact,

I am gonna impact him. [thumbs over shoulder at ANGEL]


[MISATO, ANGEL, REI, and SHINJI begin grapevining: beginning with a right step, cross, right step, left heel, reverse, repeat.]
In olden days an Eva pilot

Was always a shrinking violet,

But now, God knows,

Anything goes.


[Grapevining stops during this verse, back to step-kicking, ANGEL steps DS to ASUKA’s left, SHINJI steps DS to ASKUA’s right.]
Good fighters, too, who once used rifle shots [ASUKA makes gun point at ANGEL, who shields himself with arms.]

Now use big honkin' robots [SHINJI flexes]

When fighting foes, anything goes!
[With each line in this verse ANGEL tries to reach around the front then the back of ASUKA to get at SHINJI. SHINJI, in turn, evades leaning to the right or left, opposite of ANGEL’s grabs. Beginning with the first line, ANGEL grabs behind ASUKA forcing SHINJI to lean DS, so on.]
SHINJI:

The Angel's on top of us!

ASUKA:

There's no stopping us



SHINJI:

I can't fight today!

ASUKA:

Well, that's right today


SHINJI:

We're gonna drown today! [ANGEL and SHINJI cease their actions and move back to places behind ASUKA]

ASUKA:

It's going down today


As everyone knows.
[MISATO, ANGEL, REI, and SHINJI grapevine.]
And despite Shinji's useless prattle

I know that I'll win the battle

Against all foes,

Anything goes!


[MISATO, ANGEL, REI, and SHINJI stop grapevining, begin step-kicking.]
While Misato avoids ex-lovers [MISATO stops stepkicking to spread arms and spin once, slowly, during this verse.]

I'll lure them beneath the covers!

As she well knows,

Anything goes!


When pilots are abused by fathers [SHINJI stops stepkicking to spread arms and spin once, slowly, during this verse.]

They wish Dad was rather like all

Those average joes,

Anything goes!


[For this refrain, ASUKA begins the action, then each character takes on a new aspect of the line being sung, clockwise, until it ends with ASUKA acting the “gonzo” line, and everyone acting the last line.]
If saving the world you like [flex muscles]

If spears hurled you like [throw a spear]

A bit of class you like [bow and tip hat]

If kicking ass you like [kick]

If Heino you like [beer sway]

Or me gonzo you like [shake boobs]

Then settle back for the show [left hand on hip, right on head, lean back]
[MISATO, REI, and SHINJI step-kick in place. ANGEL begins stalking up to ASUKA.]
When every week another critter

Gives me the chance to glitter

And be aglow [spreads her arms and hits ANGEL in the stomach, knocking him back into formation.]

Anything goes!

[Crew Left enters SL with a battleship cutout, walking it across the stage from USL to USR and then back to MISATO in time to hand her the ship as she explains to ASUKA how to kill ANGEL.]

MISATO:

The code name is Gaghiel

ASUKA:

I'll send it to hell!



MISATO:

The core's inside of it [Crew Left hands ship to MISATO, exit SL]

Open the mouth a bit [MISATO hands ship to ASUKA]

Feed it a battle ship [ASUKA “feeds” ship to ANGEL]

And then we'll let 'er rip [ANGEL collapses with ship]

So watch out when it blows


ALL (except ANGEL):

And despite Shinji's useless prattle

We know that you'll win the battle

Against all foes

Anything goes!
ASUKA:

If saving the world you like [flex muscles]

If spears hurled you like [throw a spear]

A bit of class you like [bow and tip hat]

If kicking ass you like [kick]

If Heino you like [beer sway]

Or me gonzo you like [shake boobs]

Then settle back for the show [left hand on hip, right on head, lean back]


[ANGEL leaps up to finish in the final chorus. MISATO, ANGEL, REI, and SHINJI step-kick, with jazz hands.]
CAST:

And despite Shinji's useless prattle

We know that you'll win the battle

Against all foes

Anything goes...

Anything goes!


[On this last line, all throw out a hand to audience and bend over in a pose as ANGEL collapses again.]
Track 7 fade to off.

Lights down.
SCENE 5

Part 1

[Crew directions: Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL. Set backdrop to NERV Headquarters. Crew Right brings out MINION’s chair and sets it far DSR. Crew Left brings out MAKOTO’s chair and sets it far DSL, and also brings out the computer box which goes to the right of MAKOTO’s chair, and the Chairleg of Truth which goes behind MAKOTO’s chair. Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL.]

[Scene: NERV Headquarters backdrop. For this scene, beside MAKOTO’s desk, there is a small box made to look like a computer unit. ASUKA, SHINJI, and MISATO have Nerf guns. ASUKA hits SHINJI and REI. SHINJI hits ASUKA. MISATO hits RITSUKO, who shields with her clipboard. GENDOU enters SR.]
GENDOU: [takes in the scene for a moment] NERV, you morons. NERV!
MISATO: Sorry. [hits RITSUKO one more time with football or gun.]
Track 4.
MAKOTO: Sir! We're under attack again!
GENDOU: What is it this time?
MAKOTO: I have no idea. But, if the music's playing it must be

something.


MISATO: Wait a minute! It's in our computer system! If we don't stop it soon it'll cause the base to self-destruct!
[RITSUKO walks SL to MAKOTO’s computer and kicks it.]
Track 4 off, no fade.
[RITSUKO nods and walks back to her place.]
MAKOTO: Oh, that's got it. Thanks!
[MAKOTO and MINION begin working again. RITSUKO begins writing in her tablet. MISATO begins talking quietly to ASUKA. SHINJI listens to his walkman. REI stands, blankly. GENDOU places his hands before his mouth.]
Track 4.
MISATO: Ritsuko, give the computer another kick, willya?
GENDOU: [pointing to the “screen” in front of MAKOTO and MINION] Actually, it looks like we've got another giant monster on our

hands.
Track 4 sound up.


MISATO: Shinji and Asuka, go get in your mecha and – [turns to SL] LOOK STOP IT ALREADY, OKAY?
Track 4 sound up.
MISATO: THAT'S IT!
[MISATO picks up Chairleg of Truth from behind MAKOTO’s chair and exits SL. Behind stage MISATO makes bashing noises.]
Track 4 off, no fade.

[MISATO enters SL back to place, pushing hair back as CAST applauds. MISATO takes a bow.]

MISATO: Okay, where were we? Ah, yes - monster. Shinji, Asuka, you two

are up at bat.


SCENE 5

Part 2
[RITSUKO, REI, GENDOU exit SR. MINION exits SR with his chair. MISATO exits SL with her gun and Chairleg of Truth. MAKOTO exits with his chair. ASUKA and SHINJI move to DSR.]


[Crew directions: Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL, placing Tokyo-3 backdrop. Crew Right gets guns from SHINJI and ASUKA, as well as picking up remaining guns or bullets on the floor. Crew Left gives ASUKA her staff. Crew Left picks up remaining guns or bullets on floor and MAKOTO’s computer. Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL.]
[ANGEL and ANGEL 2 enter SL, with arms around each other’s waist, they stop around CS.]
ASUKA: Hey, Shinji, watch this!
SHINJI: Famous last words.
ASUKA: [meets ANGELs CS and waves her staff around] Ho! Ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!
[On the word, “thrust” ANGELs turn their backs to each other and bend over, as if split in half.]
ASUKA: Huh. It worked!
SHINJI: [walks to stand beside ASUKA, but making sure not to block her from audience’s view] Not bad, Asuka!

[ANGELs jump up and apart, making sure not to block each other. Each takes on one of the children. At the same time they do the following attack: Ninja stance while saying “Waaaa!” Point to chest and hit the chin back up. Hand on the bridge of the nose, “poke” the childrens’ eyes. Honk the childrens’ noses and make a “woo woo woo” noise. Gently pull their heads down and noogie them as they drop to their knees and collapse. ANGELs move so they stand DS of collapsed children and attempt to give each other a high five. ANGEL2 misses and hits ANGEL in forehead. ANGEL takes a swing at ANGEL2, but ANGEL2 ducks, pops back up and pulls ANGEL’s nose, making “Nyaaaaaaa” noise. ANGEL smacks ANGEL2’s hands off his face. ANGEL2 puts out his fist, ANGEL hits it, ANGEL2 pulls it back around and hits ANGEL’s head.]

ANGEL: Why I oughtta!
[ANGEL chases ANGEL2 and they exit SL as ANGEL2 makes “woo woo woo” noises. GENDOU enters SR, walks to the children.]
GENDOU: [sigh] Misato! Tell the Self Defense Force to nuke those things!
Lights flash twice (if there is a backlight we can use).

GENDOU: Well, it's not as if we were using that part of the city

all that much.
[MISATO enters SL, MAKOTO and RITSUKO enter SR, crowd around children.]
MISATO: [as she enters] Done and done, sir. The nukes didn't stop them, but the angels will be out cold long enough for us to figure out a plan.
MAKOTO: The problem is that the two angels operate in complete tandem, making their attack particularly difficult to fend off. The only solution is to get the Eva pilots to synchronize with each other completely, thus using their own tandem attack pattern to draw the two angels apart and finish them off. I suggest having them train with a music routine of some sort.
[Pause. ALL stare at MAKOTO.]
RITSUKO: Where do you come up with this stuff?
GENDOU: I like this plan! I'm happy to be a part of it! Operation

Makoto Makes Stuff Up And We Go Along With It...begin!


Lights down.
SCENE 5

Part 3
[Crew directions: Crew Left enters SL, removes staff from stage. Crew Left exits SL.]


[Scene: All standing CS, from SR to SL: REI, SHINJI, ASUKA and MISATO.]
Lights up.
ASUKA: You want us to what?
MISATO: You're going to boogie the angel to death.
SHINJI: That's the worst idea I've ever heard.
ASUKA: And why am I stuck dancing with Shinji? Why can't you get Rei to do it?

[As REI sings, after that first line, Crew Right and Crew Left, wearing labcoats, enter SR and SL to hold REI in place. RITSUKO enters SL to sedate REI.]

REI: [ala Ethel Merman]

I got rhythm!

I got music!

I got my man!

Who could ask for anything...hai.
[Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL. RITSUKO exits SL.]
ASUKA: Nevermind.
MISATO: Right! Let's get started, shall we? [snaps fingers]
[Crew left enters SL with DDR pads, placing them DS in front of SHINJI and ASUKA. Crew left exits SL.]
Track 8
[ASUKA flails wildly on her pad while SHINJI slowly, carefully steps on his pad. ASUKA trips up and stumbles onto SHINJI.]
Track 8 off when she stumbles. No fade.
MISATO: Okay, that sucked. Hrm...oh, I know! Sow Belly Trio coming

right up! [snaps fingers]


[Crew Left enters SL, with fiddle and straw hat, handing them to MISATO. Crew Left takes up DDR pads and exits SL.]
MISATO: [with a bar or two of squaredance beginning, REI claps along unexcitedly, SHINJI and ASUKA act out lines.]

Bow to your corner, bow to your own. [bow away, to each other]

Three hands up and 'round you go! [they throw hands up, confused.]

Break it up with a dosey-do [link arms and circle]

Chicken in the bread pan kickin' out dough. [SHINJI trips and falls]

Skip to ma Lou my darling! [ASUKA kicks SHINJI]


[MISATO sighs.]
ASUKA: Oh, I know! [snaps fingers]
[Crew Left enters SL and hands ASUKA a beer stein and sunglasses. Crew Left takes away MISATO’s fiddle and straw hat. Crew Left exits SL.]
Track 9
[ASUKA and SHINJI beer sway back and forth. REI simply sways, preferably off-time with the others.]
MISATO: Absolutely not!
Track 9 off, no fade.

MISATO: Let's see...ah-ha! That's it! Here's the plan guys...

[ALL huddle, whispering.]
Lights down.
SCENE 5

Part 4
Lights up.


[Scene: ANGELs standing side by side, but not blocking from audience, CS. ANGELs bent over forward.]
MISATO: [from off-stage] On your mark...get set...GO!
[ASUKA and SHINJI enter SR and meet ANGELs. When they approach, ANGELs stand straight. ASUKA and SHINJI lift arms above their heads as if to begin a pirouette. Pause a beat.]
Track 10
[When music begins, ASUKA and SHINJI start shaking ass. After a few moments of this, ANGELs cover ears and collapse. MISATO and MAKOTO enter SL and shake booty. MINION, GENDOU, RITSUKO enter SR and shake booty. REI enters SR and does the Robot. Dancing goes on while music and lights fade.]
Lights down.

Track 10 fade to off.
SCENE 6
[Crew directions: Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL. Crew Right brings up two buildings and places them USR. Crew Left brings up three chairs for students to sit CS, facing SL, all center of DS. Crew Right and Left exit SR and SL.]
Lights up.
[Scene: As if in a classroom, children sitting from SR to SL: REI, SHINJI, and MISATO. TEACHER stands before them, facing them, DSL.]
Track 11

Track 11 off.

TEACHER: Good morning class. I'd like to welcome our latest students,

Shinji, Asuka, and Rei. They're the ones who have been stepping on your houses in their giant robots, so be sure to treat them like the social outcasts that they are. Now, open your textbooks to page 523...

Track 4
[ANGEL appears SL. SHINJI, ASUKA, and REI stand and move their chairs in front of the stage (if convenient – otherwise just leave them where they are). TEACHER exits SL. ASUKA holds ANGEL’s arms down, REI shoots at ANGEL, making “zap” noises, and SHINJI stabs ANGEL. ANGEL dies.]
Track 4 fade to off.
[As children retrieve their chairs, ANGEL crawls off stage. TEACHER enters SL.]
Track 11

Track 11 off.
TEACHER: Now, can anyone tell me who Yukio Mishima was?
REI: [raising her hand] Hai.
TEACHER: Very good Miss Ayanami...
Track 4
[Like last time, except this time, ANGEL knocks over SHINJI, ASUKA picks up a building and hits ANGEL with it, and REI trips ANGEL. ANGEL topples and dies.]
Track 4 fade to off.
[Instead of all the children going back to their places, REI wanders off exiting SL and ANGEL brushes hisself off and takes REI’s chair.]
Track 11

Track 11 off.
ANGEL: [waves hand, holding himself like he has to go to the bathroom and roaring Chewbacca style] Uhhn uhnnnn nnnnh ahh!
TEACHER: No, you may not go to the bathroom. You went five minutes ago...
Track 4
[This time REI enters SL, roaring King Kong style. ASUKA and SHINJI hold up REI’s arms as ANGEL tickles REI. SHINJI shakes head and steps back.]
SHINJI: Woah, woah, woah! Stop!
Track 4 off, no fade.
SHINJI: We're not going to do every single fight in the series this way are we?

ASUKA: Good point. How about a nice musical number instead?

Track 12
[As opening begins, everyone lines up and begins hand-jiving. When singing starts SHINJI begins running from ANGEL. Chase in a circle around stage, exiting stage at SR, past the front of stage and out House door left. Reenter through same door with SHINJI chasing ANGEL in front of stage and through House door just outside SR. Reenter SHINJI being chased by ANGEL, and enter stage from SR. If there’s time, sing the rest of the song with ASUKA and REI. If not, SHINJI is chased by ANGEL as exit SL.]
ASUKA and REI:

Who's peeking out from behind a building

Trying his best not to run and flee

Who's going toe to toe with the angels

Everyone knows it's Shinji!
Who's tromping down the streets of the city

Angsting for everybody to see

Who's reaching out to impress his father

Everyone knows it's Shinji!


And Shinji has sad, sad dreams

And very low self esteem

And Shinji will whine and scream
Through every fight! {Through every fight!)

Through every fight! (Through every fight!)


[During interlude, ASUKA and REI handjive off opposite sides of stage. ASUKA exit SL, REI exit SR.]
Lights down.

Track 12 fade to off.
SCENE 7

[Crew Right and Left enter SR and SL. Place NERV Headquarters backdrop. Crew Right brings out MINION’s chair and places it far DSR. Crew Left brings out MAKOTO’s chair and places it far DSL.]
[Scene: Usual NERV placement, with KAJI, with everyone looking bored. ASUKA smiles and bats eyes at KAJI who yawns.]
MISATO: Well, it's boring, but at least it's quiet.
GENDOU: [enters SR, speaking] Not for long - our shadowy UN oversight committee, SELEE is really pissed off at us.

MISATO: Selee? What?

RITSUKO: It probably has something to do with the Angel you're keeping down in our basement.
SHINJI: Angel?
KAJI: Oh, you mean Adam, the angel that casued Second Impact!
ASUKA: Second wha?
SHINJI: Speaking of Angels, there's one right outside. Should I go fight it or something?
MISATO: So that's what that thing downstairs is! What about that spear sticking out of it?
RITSUKO: You mean the Lance of Longinus?
MISATO: Spear, lance, what's the difference.
SHINJI: [feeling ignored] Well, I guess I'll go fight the angel, then.
[SHINJI exits SL]
KAJI: More importantly, what about the Marduk Institute?
RITSUKO: The guys who pick the EVA pilots? What about it?
[GENDOU makes “cut-it-out” motions.]
KAJI: They don't really exist. Gendou makes all the decisions.
RITSUKO: [to GENDOU] Is that true?
GENDOU: [looking uncomfortable] Maybe.
MISATO: Hold on, where's Shinji?
MAKOTO: He went off to fight an angel. He won, but his body was absorbed by his Evangelion.
[pause]
MISATO: Well, that's pretty freakin’ weird.
RITSUKO: So is Gendou's relationship with Rei.
KAJI: You mean the clone of his dead wife?
[GENDOU smacks forehead.]
ASUKA: Is that true, Rei?
REI: Hai.
GENDOU: Don't listen to her, that could mean anything.
REI: Hai.
GENDOU: See? She agrees with me.
KAJI: I'll be right back, I'm going to go figure out more about the Human Instrumentality Project.
[KAJI exits SL.]
ASUKA: The wha?
SHINJI: [speaks as enters SL] Yeah, the wha?
MISATO: Shinji! I thought you were absorbed by your Eva!
SHINJI: [perky] I was, but I'm back now.
MISATO: [really confused] Oh...Well, okay.
ASUKA: Can we go back to this Human Instrumentality thing?
GENDOU: I'd rather not talk about it.

MAKOTO: Guys, there's another Angel coming.

MISATO: Damn. [makes dismissing motions] Um, Rei, go chuck the Lance of Longinus at it.
REI: Hai.
[REI exits SR.]
ASUKA: No, seriously, Human Instrumentality, someone talk.
GENDOU: I don't know what you're talking about.
MISATO: But Kaji does! [looks around] Hey, where's Kaji?
KAJI: [ducks back onto stage, entering SL, takes usual place] Sorry, can't answer. I'm dead.
ASUKA: When did that happen?
KAJI: Off-screen. Very tragic. Sorry.
[REI enters SR]
GENDOU: Ah, Rei! How did it go?
REI: Hai.
GENDOU: Wonderful! Glad to hear it!
ASUKA: Say, does something seem different about Rei to you guys?
[Pause, in which everyone looks at REI]
SHINJI: Nope.
GENDOU: No, nothing at all. I'm quite sure the original Rei didn't die and I didn't activate one of the many Rei clones I keep downstairs.
MAKOTO: Geez, how much crap do we have down in the basement, anyway?
ASUKA: Instrumentality? Hello?
RITSUKO: Fine, I'll tell you. Human Instrumentality is Gendou's mad plan to kill everyone on the planet, unite them all into a single soul, and thus be reuninted with his dead wife, Yui.
REI: YOU LIAR! YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME FOR WHO I WAS!
[GENDOU backs away, as everyone else takes it in shocked silence.]
ASUKA: Woah.
SHINJI: Say, can we take a break for just a second?
GENDOU: [behind KAJI] Look, baby, I can explain...
SHINJI: No, seriously, I'm confused, can we hold on for just one second?
MISATO: Shouldn't we be trying to stop Gendou or something?
REI: [makes motion like she’s going to strangle GENDOU] I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!
ASUKA: I think Rei's going to do it for us.
[ALL begin talking at once. GENDOU keeps KAJI between himself and REI.]
SHINJI: Hey! Time out! EVERYONE SHUT UP A MINUTE!

[silence]

SHINJI: I'm completely lost. What on earth are you people going on about?
KAJI: Er, we're discussing the plot. We've got to wrap up the musical, don't we?
SHINJI: But it doesn't make a lick of sense!
MISATO: Hey, we're just working with what they gave us, you know?
SHINJI: Look...I...oh, to hell with it. I'm too confused to care anymore. Why should I even bother trying to figure all this out?
GENDOU: Why? I'll tell you why! Guys, give me a hand, will ya?
Track 13
[SHINJI, MISATO and MAKOTO exit SL. ASUKA, RITSUKO, REI, and MINION exit SR. GENDOU and KAJI move to DS. Crew Left enters with towel over arm, and tray in other hand. On tray are two (empty) plastic chamapaigne glasses. GENDOU and KAJI each take one. For this song, GENDOU sings a couplet, KAJI sings a couplet, and GENDOU sings another couplet. On the third verse, KAJI then GENDOU, then KAJI again. Both sing the last couplets. Bridge alternates between GENDOU and KAJI. Both sing the “refrain” and both sing the last three lines.]
The fans today in the SF scene

Watch cartoons on the TV screen

So to pick up geeks you will have to see

Bebop and Fu-shi-gi-yu-gi

One must know both shounen and shoujo

From Sai-lor Moon to Na-ru-oo-to

Unless you watch Gundam, Kenshin, or X

You'll leave the con without having sex


(Bridge)

But the winner of them all

Who will put them flat on their backs

Is the series people call

The greatest cash cow of Gainax
(Refrain)

Brush up your Eva

Start obsessing now

Brush up your Eva

And otaku you will wow.

[As they sing this verse, MAKOTO and MISATO enter SL and waltz from USL to USR. When they exit SR, ASUKA and REI enter SR and try to waltz. REI can’t waltz, so ASUKA grabs REI’s arm and stalks to USL and they exit SL.]

When chatting up someone who is cute

Just bring up the Marduk Institute

If someone is giving you that look

Put their name in your little Red Cross Book

When flirting on the telephony

Let them know that you like it Sound Only!


[GENDOU and KAJI wince and say “Oo” at the joke.]

Brush up your Eva

And they'll all kow-tow
[During this verse, SHINJI and RITSUKO enter SL and SR and spin across US to the opposite side and exit SR and SL. Following suit, REI and MISATO do the same from opposite sides of the stage, except REI merely walks across stage.]

If you want to get touchy or feely

Start smooth-talking to them about SEELE

To make them think you're outta dis Earth

Show 'em the little Death and your Rebirth

If you want to make sure that they call back

Go for a second and a third impact! [Both make a kick and say “Oo”]

Brush up your Eva



[EVERYONE slowly joins the stage, for a big finish.]

And they'll all kow-tow - Pen-Pen!

And they'll all kow-tow - Jet Alone

And they'll all kow-tow!


Track 13 fade to off.
GENDOU: There, now does it make sense?
SHINJI: Not really, but what the hell, I'll try to stick with it a few more minutes.
GENDOU: Well, let's get this wrapped up, then. Do you want the long, drawn-out, everyone dies horribly movie ending or the bizzare, introspective, terribly vague TV ending?
SHINJI: Is the TV ending shorter?
GENDOU: Yep.
SHINJI: Let's go with that one. But make it snappy!
GENDOU: Okay then, Shinji, we'll get straight to the heart of your problems - but I'm going to need everyone to give me a hand here, okay?
[ALL agree.]
GENDOU: [to the audience] You can all help out, too. I think you'll recognize your cue. [to SR] Hit it!
Track 14
ALL:

Love, love, love,

Love, love, love,

Love, love, love.

GENDOU:

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.

Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.

Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game

It's easy.

MISATO:

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.

No one you can save that can't be saved.

Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time

It's easy.
ALL:

All you need is love, all you need is love,

All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
[During the guitar break, ANNOYING FANBOY stands out in the middle of the audience and starts going on about how “This isn’t how the show went, this is all wrong, SHINJI wasn’t that whiny, etc.” Until 2 planted helpers “beat” him down, when ANNOYING FANBOY yells, “Ow! MY SPLEEN!” CAST on stage claps.]

All you need is love, [REI shakes boobs and sings instrumental bar here]

all you need is love, [repeat]

All you need is love, love, love is all you need.


ASUKA:

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.

Nothing you can see that isn't shown.

Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.

It's easy.
ALL:

All you need is love, [ALL shake boobs and sing instrumental bar here]

All you need is love, [repeat]

All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

All you need is love – all together now!

All you need is love – everybody!



All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
[As ending fanfare goes on, GENDOU and SHINJI step a little forward of the group and face each other.]
GENDOU: So, whaddya say, son?
SHINJI: I...I love you, Dad!
[GENDOU and SHINJI embrace, as everyone else claps. When GENDOU and SHINJI release each other, everyone makes eye contact to time it, and everyone makes a one-arm-out pose.]
ALL: Eva!
Track 14 fade to off.

Lights down.
[CAST stands in a line DS]
Lights up.
[CAST bows for themselves, points to light/sound and bows to them, claps, join hands, Final Bow.]
Lights down.

House Lights up.



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