Crowd Everyone with a script in their hands (apart from Dave)
Intro Have you ever wondered what the Bible would have been like if God had chosen the Australians instead of the Jews. We think the stories might have had a different flavour if the Ozzies had been God's chosen people.
Here is our version of what it would have been like if David and Goliath had been Australian.
Narrator Now the ANZACS stood on a mountain on one side of the valley and the enemy stood on the other side. The enemy had a great lump of a bloke called Goliath, who was over nine feet tall. He had a skid lid of solid brass on his noggin, armour all over him, and his spear must have weighed a ton.
Goliath stood and yelled out,
Goliath Come on and fight, ya mob of dingoes! Pick out a bloke and let's see what he's made of! If he can bump me off, we'll be your roustabouts, and vica versa.
Narrator This really scared the living daylights out of the ANZACS. It put the wind up 'em good and proper. "If only we had Ned Kelly here with his armour on," they said. Even the Prime Minister was spooked out of his brain.
Now Dave was the youngest son of Jesse, from a small one-horse hick town out the back of Bourke. Jesse had eight rascals, and was over the hill and just about to kick the bucket. The three oldest boys were diggers in the army, but Dave worked for his old man as a sheep musterer. One day, Jesse said to Dave,
Jesse Come here kid, and take this heap of tucker to your brothers in the army. Give a bit to the CO as well, so he'll give your brothers a fair go. Now stop muckin' around and get cracking. I haven't got all day."
NarratorSo Dave got up when the day was a pup, picked up his swag, and headed off to see his brothers. It took so long he had to stop for smoko on the way. He boiled the billy and had a good cuppa. Meanwhile, the ANZACS were up the creek in a barbed wire canoe. They were so desperate, the Prime Minster even offered his daughter in marriage to the first bloke who would take on the big yobbo, and she was quite a sheila! Also, they would get a pile of dough into the bargain - that was a bit of alright! But still, no-one wanted to have a go.
Narrator They then told Dave what Goliath had said. Dave then asked,
Dave Who does this great nong think he is? Just let me have a go at the ratbag. I'll let him have it!
Narrator Dave's oldest brother, Trev, really chucked a mental. He did his block!
Trev What are ya! Who do ya think you are, you little squirt! You'd better stop shooting your mouth off, or you'll come a cropper good and proper."
Dave Strike a light! Don't jump down me throat!
Trev You couldn't fight your way out of a wet paper bag, you little twerp!
Dave I reckon I could.
Narrator When Dave's second eldest brother, Norm, heard what Dave was saying, he laughed his head off, and said,
Norm Stone the crows, Dave, what do ya think this is - bush week?"
Narrator Dave's third brother, Fred, couldn't see anything funny in it at all. He just looked at Dave like he'd gone fair round the bend, and said,
Fred Why don't you go back to the bush where you belong?
Dave Fair go! Why don't you give me a break?"
Narrator Then he took off, yelling over his shoulder,
Dave You no-hopers wouldn't know what day of the week it was!
Narrator Dave then went to see the Prime Minister, and told him he would give it a go. The PM said,
PM You've got two chances of killing that greasy giant - Buckley's and none.
Dave Oh, I dunno. The Lord my God helped me kill a dingo and bunyip with my bare hands. I reckon he could help me do this oversized galah like a dinner.
Narrator When the PM saw that Dave was fair dinkum, he finally gave in and tried to give Dave a great stack of armour. Dave could hardly walk with it on.
Dave This is hopeless,I'll fix him without all this garbage. She'll be right, mate.
Narrator Then Dave walked out to meet Goliath, carrying only his shanghai. When Goliath saw him, he nearly laughed his head off, saying,
Goliath What do you think I am, kid, a puppy dog or something? Take one step closer and you'll get the biggest knuckle sandwich you've ever sen. I'll have you for breakfast, ya numb skull.
Dave Get off the grass! Just because you've got a head like a hub cap you think you're a big wheel. Well I've got news for you, buster, and it's all bad! I'm coming against you in the name of the Lord!
Narrator As Goliath ran to meet him, Dave quickly popped a gibber into his shanghai, and slung it at Goliath. It went like a rocket, and got him fair in the scone.
Narrator Goliath went out like a light and carked it. Dave ran over and took out the giant's sword and lopped off his noggin.
Crowd "You little ripper!"
Narrator All the diggers cheered Dave.. They ran down the side of the mountain shouting, "Good on ya, mate!" and singing "Come on Aussie, come on."
Later on, the PM asked his off-sider who Dave was and where he came from. His reply was that Dave came from the other side of the Black Stump, where the crows fly backwards to keep the dust out of their eyes.