First of all, NO, I’m not pregnant. NO, I’m not getting married, and NO I’m not crazy. Yes, I know they invented the phone, and yes I know we talk almost every other day. I just wanted to write you a letter. There are a few things I think you should come clean about. I thought we were close. You’re my Mother. There are certain things you have failed to tell me. Yes, you prepared me to take on the world, but you left a few things out. All I want to know is. Why? Why didn’t you tell me?
Where should I begin? How about I start at the top and work my way down. Can we talk a about this lovely hair that you have passed on to me? I’m not just talking about the hair on my head either. I will thank you for giving me some of that good hair like Grandma and them got. However, I will not thank you for the hair that is growing out of my chin. It’s coming in nicely by the way. My mustache is coming in nicely also. I should have a full grown goatee by the time I’m 65. Thank you for the genes. They must have come from the fountain of youth, because I have managed to maintain my girlish looks. I still look like I’m in my early 20's. Okay my late 20's. Alright, alright my early 30's, and that’s my final answer. Anyway, who’s counting? I am, and my fountain is starting to get a little dry. I’m spending a small fortune in facial creams. This is cutting into “The Gucci Shoe Fund” by the way. The last time I smiled it took 3 weeks to smooth out the lines around my mouth. There ain’t no way I’m doing that Botox thing. So, now I just walk around totally expressionless. Shoes before surgery, I refuse to go under the knife. Hopefully I will look half as good as you do now when I’m your age. You like how I slid that in don’t you? No, I don’t need any money either. Oh Mommy, I don’t think I can take it anymore. I’m not ready to be 36, but I don’t think I have much of a choice at this point. I’m pretty sure you’re getting a good giggle out of this. I’m just getting started.
Moving on down, let’s talk about my figure. What’s going on? I was tight. I was firm in all the right places. All my stuff was standing at attention. I had it going on. My body was like POW! Why didn’t you tell me it wouldn’t last forever? All I know is one day I was the hottest thing walking, and then it seems like one day I woke up and noticed my classic coke bottle shape was slowly turning into a 2 liter bottle. Mama I got stuff hanging out all over the place. I’ll have to take out a loan for the up keep and maintenance just trying to keep everything above sea level. I need lifting creams, some straps, a harness, something to help lift up my face, my breast, my tummy, and my behind. As soon as I turned 25, I noticed my behind slowly creeping down the back of my leg. My nice round booty use to sit up so nice. It was round and firm with a slight jiggle. You know, the kind of jiggle that would make the men ask if I wanted fries to go with my shake. I don’t get it. I look just like my Daddy. So, how did I end up with your square hips and flat behind? Speaking of flat, I use to have a beautiful flat stomach with an inny belly button. The sit-ups aren’t working. I didn’t have a baby. So, what’s happening? I guess I need to back away from the table and maybe I should have thought twice about getting fries to go with my shake. My beautiful hourglass figure has been reduced to a nice round pooch that has given birth to twin love handles, one set for each side. Please don’t let me forget my saddlebags. Actually I would like to forget my saddlebags, but they just keep hanging around. They’re making it hard for me to drop it likes it’s hot and get back up. Talking about hot, you just couldn’t give me that nice rack you got? No, I couldn’t get the double D’s. Oh no, I had to become a lifetime member of the IBTC (The Itty Bitty Titty Committee). Thanks Mom. It’s not too bad. I can wear those ultra low cut to the navel shirts, and not worry about the twins playing peek-a-boo, cause they ain’t going nowhere. I mean that’s what I heard. I would never wear something like that though. I’m a good girl, and I wear plenty of clothing when I go out. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Is that thunder and lightening I hear?
Before I work my way down to the good part, let’s talk about these men. I know you told me to watch out for these men, and I know that they don’t make them like Daddy anymore, but you could have given me a better warning. Most of the men I have come across have just about lost their minds. You said there are some sorry men out here and you weren’t never lying about that. Mama they find out you have your own place, a job, and no kids, and Honey they try they best to hang a shirt in your closet. Next thing you know, they coming over every night. Ain’t bought not ner’a piece of a grocery, and got the nerve to roll up in here talking about what’s for dinner. They come over there and grab the remote and start flipping channels on my TV, talking about how my cable sucks, and how I should get the dish. Mind you, he ain’t offering to get it for me. He’s just making a suggestion. The next time you turn around he got his bag of dirty laundry sitting in your floor. He doesn’t have a washer and dryer at his Mama’s house, which is where he lives. So, he thought I wouldn’t mind washing some of his things. Don’t let the first of the month roll around. You can’t find his tail nowhere. When you do find him, you ask him to kick in on the bills and he conveniently forgets how he had his feet kicked up eating my food, watching my cable, and how he washed his raggedy draws in my washing machine. Oh, he gonna come over in some new kicks, but gives me some crap about how he is in a financial bind right now. Do you know that some have had the nerve to try and dip into “The Gucci Shoe Fund”? They must be crazy. So, don’t go picking out a mother of the bride outfit, cause I don’t see myself getting married anytime soon. It’s scary out here. It’s so much stuff going around. As if that isn’t enough to worry about, I don’t think that even you could have prepared me for these “DL Brothers”. So not only do I have watch him around my girlfriends and other women, but now I have to watch him around them and their boyfriends too. What’s really going on? Despite all these crazy, jobless, broke driving a Lexus, still living with they Mama, five baby Mama having, can’t decide if I’m straight or gay so I’ll have both, men out here, there is still that “ONE”. Mama you didn’t tell me about that “ONE”. There is always one that will get you open. Mama I came up on one that had my nose so open you could see what I was thinking. Mama I was gone. I was weak. There was one thing that got me that way. You didn’t tell me about that either, but we are gonna talk about it now.
Now, we are down to the good part. I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I’d better go back. I can remember it like it was yesterday. You sat me down for that mother to daughter chat and told me everything I needed to know about sex. “Keep your legs closed and don’t come up in here with no nappy-headed grandbabies.” Ah, those were words to live by, cause if I didn’t, I’m not to sure they would have been able to get all my teeth back in my mouth, especially when my teeth and myself would have been knocked into the middle of next week. However, you didn’t tell me that as soon as that man touched me in the right place, that my legs would part like the Red Sea. Forget about the butterflies. You should have told me about “The Tingle”. See “The Tingle” is what get’s you in trouble. You also didn’t tell me about “That Spot” and “The Reach”. See, you told me everything else, but you didn’t tell me that it felt good. You ain’t tell me about “That Spot”. See, not all the men know about “That Spot”, but the ones that do, how mercy. That’s how that “ONE” got me open. First, he made me tingle. Then he found “That Spot”. Mama I wasn’t ready. You should have prepared me. Honey, he hit “That Spot” and it sent me right into “The Reach”. It felt so good I was just a reaching. I don’t know what I was reaching for, but I was gonna get it whatever it was. He had me reaching for the sky. He had me reaching for the stars. He had me here in Maryland reaching for something off the shelf in somebody else’s house in California. Mama he put it on me. Oh, Daddy if you are reading this, this is just something I heard the girls at work talking about. I just put myself in it as a way to explain it to Mama. I want to wait till I get married. Is that thunder and lightening I hear? Don’t worry I’m being safe. I’m also holding on to the advice you gave me before I left home. This one is my personal favorite. “If you gonna give it up, don’t give it away. You ain’t got to be no “Ho”, but don’t have no man laying up under you that can’t do nothing for you.” That’s where I get my #1 house rule from. That rule is, the only people that see the sun rise in my apartment are the ones that pay rent. I don’t have to depend on no man, but I sure ain’t gonna be taking care of one. I don’t know though. If I run into another one that hits “That Spot”, he just might have me out there working some serious overtime. Somebody help me. “That Spot” ain’t no joke.
Mama I’m sure you have a lot more you need to tell me. I’m sure you will sit back and continue to let me discover them on my own. I’m sure you will get a good laugh out of it when I do. That’s alright. I guess you must have told me enough, because I think I’m doing pretty good. I’ve been on my own for 12 years. I’m not on drugs. I ain’t no baby mama. I ain’t shacked up with no man playing wife. I’m in school and I’m working hard and making my way. I learned all that watching you. There’s something I haven’t told you. You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I don’t know anybody else who can walk into a room like you do. You got the men cutting their eyes, and the women rolling them. I tell you. You Graham women are some of the most evil red women I know, but you are the strongest women I know. I am proud to be a part of that. I am proud to be a strong woman who isn’t scared to speak her mind. I’m glad to be a woman who can take care of herself. I am glad to be like you, square hips, flat butt, and all. Thanks for being my Mom. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some shopping to do. I have to put “The Gucci Shoe Fund” to use. I have to get my Grown & Sexy on. That’s what us 30 and over folks do. You think you can walk into a room? I learned from the best. They rolling their eyes now and I ain’t even got there yet.
Love ya Mommy,